[violette]

I have had a problem that has completely perplexed me for all of my adult life. I am 42 now. I first noticed it when I was about 18. My boyfriend and I got along very well, but if he would mention his ex-girlfriend, I would get very anxious and get a giant lump in my stomach. The next time I noticed it was when I was married for the first time. My ex-husband was married twice before. I could not stand to hear the ex-wives names, where they lived together, anything about their past lives together. Since that relationship ended I don’t have those feelings about the exes anymore. Now, I have been with a terrific guy for over three years, but the same stupid problem keeps tormenting me all the time. When we first started out, I couldn’t care less about his past with his ex. I even asked questions about their lives together. After about 6 months or so, I got the same way as before. Hearing her name makes my stomach hurt, I get very sad, and I just can’t cope with it. He has never done anything to make me feel threatened or that I am second choice. I can’t even bear to hear him talk about a town where they lived and raised their children. I had a very good upbringing in a very happy family with loving parents. I don’t believe that I have any self-esteem issues. I feel that I am a very well adjusted individual except for this one issue. It also drives me up the wall when he says certain actresses are hot, yet I am attracted as well to male actors. I don’t say anything to him because it seems so silly. I know he would reassure me, but I know I wouldn’t feel any better. Any ideas on what is going on? Thanks.

[faux]

I understand that you feel his reassurance would not help you, but it might help you if you did tell him how you feel. Maybe it is silly, but our feelings do not always make sense. Sometimes, just sharing feelings and thoughts can provide a sense of clarity.

[violette]

Actually, I did kinda mention it one time and he did reassure me. He told me that I was all he ever wanted and needed. So I felt better for a little bit. Someone had mentioned that I might just be possessive and not insecure. Have you ever heard of that? Thanks for your reply.

[ollydolly]

You might have to face the fact that you have a jealous streak! Nothing to be ashamed of, in fact I reckon 99% of people do and 1% are liars.

Do not be embarassed about telling him this - most people feel a bit uneasy when a current lover recalls an ex - I know I do - and I know my boyfriend does. You need to say something then he can be more sensitive to your feelings around this. Few of us end up with virgins - yet we kind of wish we could, but most of us are with someone who has a list (hopefully not too long) of past lovers.

My partner has had two wives - I don't want to hear about them unless it happens to be really relevant. Sometimes it is.

[violette]

Actually, I would rather not perpetuate the problem. He shouldn't have to refrain from discussing his past. It's my problem, not his. but thanks for the advice.

[TouchedByMoreThanAnA]

Originally posted by violette
I have had a problem that has completely perplexed me for all of my adult life. I am 42 now. I first noticed it when I was about 18. My boyfriend and I got along very well, but if he would mention his ex-girlfriend, I would get very anxious and get a giant lump in my stomach. The next time I noticed it was when I was married for the first time. My ex-husband was married twice before. I could not stand to hear the ex-wives names, where they lived together, anything about their past lives together. Since that relationship ended I don’t have those feelings about the exes anymore. Now, I have been with a terrific guy for over three years, but the same stupid problem keeps tormenting me all the time. When we first started out, I couldn’t care less about his past with his ex. I even asked questions about their lives together. After about 6 months or so, I got the same way as before. Hearing her name makes my stomach hurt, I get very sad, and I just can’t cope with it. He has never done anything to make me feel threatened or that I am second choice. I can’t even bear to hear him talk about a town where they lived and raised their children. I had a very good upbringing in a very happy family with loving parents. I don’t believe that I have any self-esteem issues. I feel that I am a very well adjusted individual except for this one issue. It also drives me up the wall when he says certain actresses are hot, yet I am attracted as well to male actors. I don’t say anything to him because it seems so silly. I know he would reassure me, but I know I wouldn’t feel any better. Any ideas on what is going on? Thanks.

I have these same exact feelings. It hurts really bad because she doesn't seem to care if it hurts me. I try and protect my woman from any of my past relationships but she seems to throw her past in my face. I just wanted to let you know that there is someone going through the same exact thing as you.

[violette]

That stinks that they throw it in your face. Any idea why you feel so possessive like I do?

[innerconflict]

I know what that feels like. My current bf was in a five year relationship and they share a son. I know that being part of their lives, I have to learn to get used to her presence, no matter how miniscule. I do get jealous knowing that they shared a life. I never had that with someone before we got together.

But my bf constantly assures me that there are no feelings for her whatsoever. The only reason he has to talk to her is because of their son. They say that people break up for a reason and now I can see for myself what type of partner she was. But still I do experience some pangs of jealousy.

[ollydolly]

Originally posted by violette
Actually, I would rather not perpetuate the problem. He shouldn't have to refrain from discussing his past. It's my problem, not his. but thanks for the advice.

I really don't think that it should be viewed as perpetuating the problem. It is about having the courage enough to share your vulnerability. Otherwise you are relegated to having to pretend the vulnerability does not exist - then he wil not truly know you. Of course he should be able to talk about his past - but right now it causes something within you that is uncomfortable.

And yes, you can be possessive without being insecure. You may not yet truly understand your place in his life, where it fits compared to his past etc.