Fiancee's home - how do I make it feel like mine?

jkjk2009 · 18th April 2005, 3:13 PM

I've been engaged for over a year now. The problem I am having is Fiancee already owns a home that he shared with his wife. How can I make his home feel like mine? I feel that all the memories for him are "his and hers" and not "mine and his"... Am I looking at it all wrong? How do I cope? Any suggestions?

Merin · 18th April 2005, 3:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jkjk2009
I've been engaged for over a year now. The problem I am having is Fiancee already owns a home that he shared with his wife. How can I make his home feel like mine? I feel that all the memories for him are "his and hers" and not "mine and his"... Am I looking at it all wrong? How do I cope? Any suggestions?

Well if purchasing a new home is out of the question.. then I would suggest talking to him about doing some redecorating...

New paint
Art
Different furniture

Things like that...

Good Luck

jkjk2009 · 18th April 2005, 3:30 PM

Thank you Merin for replying so fast! We have started doing little things to change the appearance, but I'm just afraid that it won't be enough...not sure how to change my mindset?!

Merin · 18th April 2005, 3:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jkjk2009
Thank you Merin for replying so fast! We have started doing little things to change the appearance, but I'm just afraid that it won't be enough...not sure how to change my mindset?!

Try to stop thinking of it as HER home and their Memories... if the memories were so good, she would still be living there know what I mean?

If it really isn't enough... then perhaps consider the purchase of a new home?

jmargel · 18th April 2005, 4:21 PM

Purchasing a new home? Isn't that a little extreme?

I was engaged before I met my wife. My ex lived with me in the house I purchased. When we split I stayed there. Before I married my wife, she moved in. I asked her if it made her uncomfortable, she said a little but not much. She has her own ways of fixing up the house and decorating it.

I don't go back and try to relive the moments with my ex, or try to remember things we did in the house. My focus, and I would believe your fiancee's focus would be the one we are with now. You could easily be living in a tiny apartment or some place that you don't like. Consider yourself lucky that you are moving into a house. If anything I would think his ex-wife would be the upset one, considering she had to find her own place and is probably not as nice as the house.

Don't let what happened in the past interfere with your future.

Merin · 18th April 2005, 4:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jmargel
Purchasing a new home? Isn't that a little extreme?

I didn't say that was the only option.. but I also don't think it's unreasonable if they are in a position to do so and it isn't something she can get past to consider...

Everyone is different.. what may be acceptable and okay for one person isn't for another.
My EX refused to live in the same home I shared with my EXH.. it bothered him that much.

tiki · 18th April 2005, 4:44 PM

You may not feel secure til your name is on the deed. I lived with my ex-husband after we got married for 6 months in 'his' house. We moved into our own afterwards. Wow, what a difference!

Bubbles · 18th April 2005, 4:53 PM

Start in the bedroom!

Make that the very first room to have a new face!

and make it a good one. Be sure that it reflects your personality and then move to the kitchen and finally the livingroom.

If you look at the situation in a different light.......you get to spend money and create and atmosphere that the both of you can share. Forget the ex! She's gone and YOU HAVE ARRIVED!!! Make renovating decisions together - that might help to make it feel more like yours

bubbles

jkjk2009 · 18th April 2005, 5:46 PM

Thank you all for replying. It really does help to get opinions from others. SO is doing all he can to make it feel like mine. My name will go on the deed when we marry - not that I am concerned about that...

Ex was really big on wallpaper and border - so it will take some tackling to get that done - I'll suggest the bedroom first!

Bubbles, you are right in suggesting looking at it in a different light! I'm gonna even put in for a potting shed outside! :-)

Mz. Pixie · 18th April 2005, 5:48 PM

Hi there-

I'm actually in this situation as we speak. I'm about to get elope some time down the road. We will be living in my BF's home that he shared with his ex wife. We've talked about this before because he said he really thought it was great I didn't seem to mind staying over at his house that he shared with his ex.

First of all, his house is masculine. There are not alot of touches of her really except for the dishes which I hate and he promised me we could get rid of. Yeah, most of the furniture he probably picked out with her but that doesn't really bother me. He also bought new mattresses when she left him and he redecorated the master bedroom and bath.

He's always already telling me that the house is now my home and he wants me to feel comfortable. We plan on building another home in three years or so once we get some bills paid off so that will be a fresh start. Until then, I plan on changing the dishes and adding some of my things to make the place more mine. I feel like once I get some of my things there, some of my decorations, pictures of my kids etc that it will seem much more like my own home. I've already helped him pick out a few items for the house and we have reworked the flower beds etc.

It's also shared experiences in a place that make it a home. Don't think of it as how they spent time there but rather as how the two of you will spend time there and make it your home!

Bubbles · 18th April 2005, 5:49 PM

Attagirl! You go renovation crazy!

bubbles

BritRN · 26th April 2005, 12:15 AM

I am going through the exact same thing, which is wierd,
It has been a stressful two weeks to say the least, moving cats also is a stress, now there are four. But there is something strange about moving into a house, that the ex lived in, especially if there are still photos of here around, admittadly they are face down...I am feeling a little wierd and wondering if I am doing the right thing....My feelings are a little overwhelming, but I am sure you went through the same thing....

jkjk2009 · 26th April 2005, 9:16 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by BritRN
I am going through the exact same thing, which is wierd,
It has been a stressful two weeks to say the least, moving cats also is a stress, now there are four. But there is something strange about moving into a house, that the ex lived in, especially if there are still photos of here around, admittadly they are face down...I am feeling a little wierd and wondering if I am doing the right thing....My feelings are a little overwhelming, but I am sure you went through the same thing....

I actually moved in with my F in 2003. It was weird and slightly uncomfortable. My son, Junior in HS was having problems living with his Dad, so I opted to move and allow my son to live with me. This happened in October 2004.

Plans are to get married in March 2006 - but I am still having problems with F's house. I don't expect him to uproot his kids and move - but I question myself every day wondering if it is the right thing to do for me. I feel like I am the only one giving up things - moving to another town, leaving my children, moving into someone else's home. I'm content right now with my house his house arrangement - but I have some time to figure things out.

Best Wishes to you and your move!

dasads6690 · 27th April 2005, 10:06 AM

Re- living in a home with memories of their
exs.Everytime someone gets with someone
new to avoid memories,do we move homes?
Whether bought or rented.
People may have bought the house purely
cos they loved it.Oh course they have memories.
It's their home why sell it because they have a
new partner/wife.
Das.

Audrey1 · 27th April 2005, 10:17 AM

Hi jkjk!

When I read your post I began crying. I am in the same position and it's killing me.

My bf/fiance owns a beautiful home. Stunning. Landscaped grounds, pool, guesthouse. It's freakin beautiful. (FYI- I live in a studio apartment) He has owned the place for 15 years. His ex-wife lived there with him for 4 years.

The ex-wife thing bothers me for ovbious reasons. But she is not the only problem. he has done a ton of entertaining in the past. Even now, on any given saturday family and friends just show up. This home has such a past that it will never be viewed as "ours" by anybody. This will be HIS place and oh, that's the girl who just moved in.

I'll always feel like a guest there. And I just believe that when you marry someone you start fresh. I can't start fresh in a house that has so much history. But I know he doesn't want to move. Why would he? It's a spectacular home. But it's all his. Redecorating wouldn't change that.

Not sure what to do either.