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Cant make decision or change
I have been in this relationship for about 5 years. I have been unhappy off and on, yet not 100% sure why. LAst year I started an affair with someone I had been friends with for about 6 years. My mate knows I had the affair. It lasted about 6 months then I broke it off and decided to try and make my relationship work. I think I had fallen in love I know she did. When I broke it off I quit talking to her and told her it was all a big mistake and that I didnt love her. I thought it would be easier for her to move on if I just exited her life. A few months past and I started calling her again. I guess I missed having her in my life. I have never felt so connected or comfortable with someone before as I do her. I didnt want to have an affair again and put her through that. However along the way I ended up telling her that everything I had told her back then was true and that I was in love with her but I had told her that in hopes it would help her move on. She at one point wanted me to get out of her life she said so I could work on me. I spend weeks convincing her not to and that I had always held hope that we would end up together when the time was right. We ended up sleeping together a couple times. Now I feel like she is all wrapped back up in me and hurting and that I should break free from her again. As I dont want her to hurt. I do want her to be happy and not wait or not see other people but not lose hope on us. Not sure that makes any sense. I am so in control with my work. I have no issue addressing problems or conflicts. I work alot . I guess thats the constant in my life. Yet Im complete opposite in my personal life. I cant speak out , make change or decisions or express my true feelings well at all. I have wanted to leave my mate several times yet I just cant seem to turn the corner. My mother lives with me and has a strong opinion about my life. I worry having to deal with her , hurting my mate and having to start life over again. Also alot of financial ties we have together. Yet Im not sure why I let those things weigh on my chance to be happy. I know Im not being fare to anyone including myself. And Im only hurting everyone including myself. I know she hurts everyday and that alone could cause to lose her. If I let her go again , I know last time she was just devasted and this time could be worse and forever. Yet I do nothing. I often ask myself what is wrong with me ? Why did I jump back in her life and why cant I make change?
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