Hello to all-this is my first time posting here. Any input anyone may have on my situation is appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months now. I have really grown to love him and things are really good between us- with occasional arguments and disagreements that are quickly resolved. We have professed our love for one another and often talk of moving in together and marriage. In a prior relationship, he and his girlfriend lived together for two years. During that time, she didn't work (by choice) and he took care of all of the household expenses in which he never expressed any dissatisfaction with their arrangement. A friend of his who was giving me some background information on him (my bf) once told me that he said: "That's my girl-I have to do that for my girl." Their relationship ended when he found out that she was sleeping with another man in their home while he was at work.
My issue is this, I am an independent female who will ALWAYS work and have my own source of income even if my boyfriend/husband makes enough money to provide for me. However, one day when we were discussing moving in together-he suggested how the bills should be split. He makes a ton of more money than he did when living with his ex with no outstanding debts,etc. The split was fair,but I became offended when he didn't at least OFFER to support me in the manner in which he did his ex-one of the things I admired so much in him was his belief in men being providers. If he would have suggested that he be the sole breadwinner, I would have declined, being that I believe in carrying my own weight and that we could have an even better life with both of us financially contributing to the household.
However, I would think that he would want to take good care of me too!
Am I being selfish for being slightly offended or is it insecurity about the ex?
he has learned his lesson. most men don't have the ability to do that.
he was betrayed and now he wants to have an equal footing. you have the opportunity to be happy without money being an issue.
and he may understand that you are inde and you want things that way. if you do feel as though yyou deserve better: tell him.
just be prepared for the fact that he is not over the betrayal. he may be over the girl but he is not over the pain.
look at it from his perspective. he made it easy for her to hurt him. he contributed to their demise. he does not want that again. her self esteem was obviously trashed before she moved in with him and took everything from him but the sitcom just made things worse.
he does not want the same to happen. or be possible. see how close you are to getting married. that might help things along. men need security too.
No, it doesn't sound like you're being selfish. But you don't really have anything to be offended about either.
Whatever arrangement he had with his cheating ex (especially given that it sounds like you heard some of the details through the grapevine, rather than from your BF), that's in the past, and it has nothing to do with you.
I can't really fault his reasoning, or where it's coming from anyway. Among the many things he feels towards his ex, he no doubt feels that, not only did she betray him, but she mooched off of him while doing it. Which is exactly what the little whore did. Needless to say, he doesn't want to make that mistake twice, and he figures that by having a different arrangement this time around, if, heaven forbid, the same thing were to happen again (not that I'm saying you'd do that), at least he won't feel like he was being so completely used.
So, don't feel offended. That was then, this is now. He's older, wiser, has some battle scars, and it's not surprising that he wants to do things differently this time around. Sounds like you guys love each other, so just let this go.
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See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
Last edited by reservoirdog1; 15th April 2005 at 2:05 AM..
I can absolutely understand your concern and pain. I can say that I would be even more upset than you are being in your situation. I can imagine that you feel like he loves you less than he loves her, he is not that caring....etc.
If I found out that my boyfriend provided his ex-gf with more stuff than me, I would kind of feel hurt. And this is not about being gold-digger, anything like that! This is about the principal and concept. I want my boyfriend to treat me not the same as he treated his ex-gfs but even better - that would make me feel secure, that would make me feel he loves me and is devoted to me.
But looking at it from another perspective - he was betrayed. The betrayal is even worse because he completely took care of this girl and she screwed him over. He got himself to a vulnerable position by providing her with stuff and she has just taken advantage of it. He definitely is afraid of being hurt again. Therefore he wants to go slower. He is reluctant to offer you too much of himself too early. If you gonna be understanding and earn his trust, he soon realizes, that you are different from his ex, you have no intention to hurt him and he would accede soon to take care of you completely.
You will get there, you just have to be patient. If I was you, I would definitely mention something to him about that, but not in accussatory way. Just to say something like that you are NOTICING these things, but dont hold anything against him. Guys hate to be pushed to do something.
Perhaps 'money' isn't the issue in your relationship so much as you might be a little envious about the ex girlfriend. I think that's somewhat natural.
But I'm of the thinking that in this day and age women shouldn't look to men to support them financially. Nor should men look to women to live a life of servitude. I've seen so many women trapped in horrific emotionally/physically abusive relationships because they've become so financially dependant that they've lost the ability to provide even the most basic needs for themselves.
Personally, I couldn't imagine having to ask someone for money every time I needed a new pair of shoes or a box of tampons. For me, it would feel humiliating.
However, if the day should come when you decide to marry and have children, some compromise will have to be reached. I don't think its fair that women should be expected to do everything --- take care of the house, the children AND contribute equally to the household expenses. It would require that you pay even more money to have someone else parent your children. It's hard to balance career and family at the same time without one or the other suffering.
Times, they are a'changing.
Like you, my partner also makes more money than myself. But we don't even consider that when splitting the expenses 50/50. It wouldn't feel fair to me to expect him to share a heavier portion of the debt just because he could afford to. Whatever play money we have left over at the end of the month is ours to do with as we please…without having to ask the other's 'permission' to spend it or save it however we want. It works out so nice this way and we never, ever argue over money or the silly things that each other buys.
I don't know about the rest of the ladies, but it sure is nice not having to hide those shopping bags after a trip to the mall!
Be grateful for your financial independence and try to hang onto it for as long as you can. You never know when it just might save your life…and sanity!
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"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
I definitely partly agree with Enigma, but because I come from a little european country and have been brought up in a traditional way, I kind of search for a provider in a man.
But anyway.....I also think this is an issue of envy more than issue of money. I absolutely understand the envy here, it makes you think that he does not treasure you that much. Especially considering your boyfriend´s comment that he made to his friend: "Thats my girl, I have to do that for my girl"
It kind of sounds to you that the boyfriend was expressing the love to his girlfriend by being so caring that he would take care of her completely. So now, because he does not do the same to you, you feel like he is not expressing love adequately.
It is completely understandable. But as I said already, dont push him into anything. You have to earn his trust and one day I am sure he will be able to share everything with you.
Also, he may have supported his ex without giving her a hard time about it or complaining about it, but that doesn't mean he was completely happy with the situation. He could have had resentment about it but never said anything, and that resentment was undoubtedly amplified when he discovered her betrayal.
It is very possible--likely, even--that he appreciates being with a girl who can pull her weight financially. I sincerely doubt his financial support of his ex was because he loved her more. Oftentimes guys do things like that out of a sense of duty or obligation, not out of love alone.
__________________ I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.
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