Ok, my husband lies to me and hides porn, and I have fought against it our entire marriage, until February when I finally gave ups and let him keep his 11 Pornos that he bought behind my back (including opening a PO BOX TO HAVE THEM SHIPPED TO!!!)
So now, hubby has my approval to watch porn. I just asked him not to buy any more for a while.
Every two to three months when my rat...er uh...husband would buy porn he would get this attitude like I was slime on the bottom of his shoe. He would be really rude and hateful and disrespectful.
I figured if I didn't disapprove of his porn habits, then he'd have no reason to get this way whenever he'd be hiding them. So I stopped asking him not to have them for my own peace of mind.
Now, ironically two months after the last time that I found porn, he's acting hateful and rude and insensitive again. Yesterday, when I got home from work, he was rude to me first thing, and didn't speak to me all evening. He has NOTHING to be angry at me about, so I have no choice but to believe that once again he's hiding something.
But he has his pornos, so WHAT COULD IT BE NOW!
I did a snoop under his bathroom sink this morning (since EVERY time I go in there to get toilet paper, he says, "Get out of my bathroom!" in a playful way...and he only does that when he's hiding something in the bathroom) so I figured I'd start there.
I found an opened advertisement to buy $100 worth of porn and get $500 worth free. No big deal, I don't guess. However, it was from his PO box that he got behind my back. The last time I mentioned it, he SAID that he hadn't checked that mail since he got his 7 porn package last December.
I'm really that stupid, Honey.
So now I find this. I looked all over it for a date, and the best I could find was, "Must be submitted by April 4, 2005"
That could've been sent any time. I know where he hides the key. I was in his car, and I opened the console to get change, and found a key. I thought to myself, "I thought he kept his PO key on his keychaing." and then like a dummy I realized it was the key to his secret po box.
So I could steal the key so he can't check his mail any more but I don't know what good that would do. He saw where I'd bought some shirts the other day, and said, "Are you sneaking again!?" I said, "Hey, you can sneak, I can sneak!" He said, "I'm not sneaking." I said, "Um...I still don't know where the key to your secret po box it..." <--lie and he said, "You still haven't found it? Have you been looking for it?" I said, "No, I've been trusting you to give it to me." <--lie
So now, I'm on HIS LEVEL! Lying and sneaking just to make myself feel better.
And now he's acting sneaky, so what's he hiding now!!???
It doesn't matter what he's hiding. The problem isn't porn. Even if you eliminated all the porn and welded his PO door shut - you won't change the fact that there are some serious underlying problems in your relationship which will continue to fester there. If you treat one symptom, another will pop up somewhere else. He will find negative outlets and you can continue to block off those outlets - but trust me, for every one you block another will take its place. Why? Because you are only addressing the outlets, not the thing causing him to create them. If you were to close off all of his outlets - how long before he starts finding more physically or emotionally violent and abusive ways to express his frustrations?
You are more than willing to treat the symptoms of the problems in this relationship because they aren't working for you, but it doesn't sound like you are willing to treat the illness causing those problems and help it to work for you both.
You have it in your power to exact some changes: he either goes to marriage counseling with you to work out these underlying problems, or you will divorce him. Period. You both need serious help in this relationship.
The choice is yours: keep playing the wounded martyr or take control of this situation and take the firm steps necessary to work toward a mutually happy marriage for you both.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Monday, I feel for ya! It seems that he has proven time and time again he needs to lie about things. I have to agree that since you agreed to let him have some porn, then he shouldn't be acting the way he is. Is it possible hes an addict? Meaning addicts usually want more and more of whatever it is they are addicted to to fill that void or get that "fix". Maybe the porn he already has isn't good enough or it was for so long but now he feels the need to move on to something different, or different type of porn. I don't know, but it seems its a vicious cycle. I understand how you're feeling though, been there done that. As a matter of fact I'm getting ready to make a post myself about what my hubby might be hiding too. Grrrrrr! Good luck.
Did you get that? You two *need* to see a marriage counselor about this. You are resenting each other over these kinds of issues. This won't stop until you go see one.
Originally posted by tiki
I think this guy is just a jerk, porn or not!!! Did it occur to you that he's being a jerk BACAUSE HE IS A JERK?!?
I need to take snoopin lessons from you...when do you have all this time to snoop, and where's he at while you're doing it?!?
I don't have to look very hard...I just follow the signs!
He acts weird. That's my cue that he's hiding something. He acts that way AS SOON AS he decides to do something sneaky. He has bad days once in a while, and I can accept that, but as soon as he starts acting like he can't stand me, something is up.
Then, he POINTS to where the problem is. Like when I was hanging his laundry in February, he ran to do the door, and said, "What are you doing!?" I said, "I'm hanging your laundry.
That told me that he had something hid in his closet. So when he got really really irritating, I went to his closet, and found BADABOOM porn.
The time before that, he had been acting weird for two weeks, and while I looked for the porn, I didn't find anything. That's because it was on order in the mail. I never suspected he would have a po box!! He had a popcorn can next to his recliner, and I thought, "mmm, popcorn." I opened the container, and it was full of baseball cards. So I went to put the lid back on, and saw something. It was a DVD...PORN!
The time before that, He had acted weird for two months, but he finally settled down. Three months later, I found porn in his safe! He had it for six months, and stupid me just trusted him.
I'll never trust him again.
And as for dealing with the "underlying problem" I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS! He won't tell me, and he won't go to councelling. I don't think he needs marriage councelling. I think he was abused as a kid, and refuses to deal with it..
I don't know what that has to do with porn and secrets.
It's just so hard to be raised with parents who never hid things from or lied to each other, and then get sattled with this messed up sick person as a husband!
Well how would you feel if you knew that he thought you were scum because you did something you figured was perfectly fine but which sent him into a tailspin every time? He already feels like garbage because he had a bad past and he resents your attitude about the whole porn thing. He does it but he knows you're going to go snooping and then accuse him.
I think Lucrezia hit the nail on the head; you never seek solutions (freaking out and attacking someone is not a solution); you just continue to make yourself the wounded victim. Why have you never sought counselling for yourself?
So why are you married to him? I'll just say I agree with LB so as not to post the same advice.
__________________
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
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Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Forces you to perform oral sex on him even when your ill?
In making you perform oral sex pushes your head down to his crotch- wakes you up in the middle of the night by doing this?
Lies about porn all the time?
Has extreme family issues and you're constantly afraid if you mess up he will never talk to you again?
And, if you read the post you made on "Giving him sex anytime he wants it" he's pretty downright mean to you in general.
Monday, you seem like a sweet, really naive girl. You keep posting problems and we keep answering. I'm just not sure what new you expect us to say.................
I think you were too young when you got married and perhaps didn't know him well enough- I don't mean to be ugly but when I see you post sometimes it reminds me of a Jerry Springer episode. I'd work on that if I were you in counseling- INDIVIDUAL AND MARRIAGE.
It's like he's doing all this to see how far he can go...What he can and can't get away with. I don't think he's sitting around planning it though, just seems to happen. At the same time though, he's enjoying the controlling part of this. The secretiveness and knowing he's doing something that really isn't appropriate. Living a small part of his own life that he doesn't feel he has to share.
That you tell us about the subject matter of the porn. Just bear with me and keep reading.
His going to these lengths even when you allow some is really, really odd, like he's overwhelmed with shame. Reminds me of what a kid might do, even when mom doesn't care about Penthouse on the toilet tank--the kid will still hide it if he gets more.
I'm going to go with the idea that porn indeed is *part* of the problem and post with that assumption in mind. Perhaps not the only problem, but part of it.
I know a few men and women who were abused sexually, and NONE of them particularly like porn. They might behave inappropriately sexually or enter into problematic behaviors and relationships, but none are big on porn. Is this the main reason you believe he was abused? (Note to posters, when she says "I think he was abused as a kid" it does not mean he actually was.)
Can you tell us what kind of porn it is, so we might guess his reasons? In other words...
Does he get an adrenaline rush from doing or hiding something you don't like?
Does he have a fetish you're not interesting in engaging in?
If so, did you make him feel judged or bad about having the fetish?
Does he ever comment that your sexual relationship is boring?
Have you ever rejected him sexually? Has he ever rejected you sexually, and if so, do you think it was because he believes you can't measure up to the polished, plastic surgeried starlets he watches?
My final question: I am not clear on how much porn you allowed or will allow. Did you restrict him to JUST the 11 DVDs? Was there an implication that you'd allow more if he runs it by you or if he simply wouldn't insult your intelligence by hiding something that you *totally* know about, right down to the hidden key?
It is my most respectful, extremely humble opinion that some suggestions offered so far (which I am NOT disparaging!) such as communication, are symptom relief and don't get more into the heart of the matter.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
but I don't know what good that would do. He saw where I'd bought some shirts the other day, and said, "Are you sneaking again!?" I said, "Hey, you can sneak, I can sneak!" He said, "I'm not sneaking." I said, "Um...I still don't know where the key to your secret po box it..." <--lie and he said, "You still haven't found it? Have you been looking for it?" I said, "No, I've been trusting you to give it to me." <--lie
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