Not sure what to do...

[Straightlovely]

My husband and I have been married since Aug 2001. We got married under a lot of scrutiny so we ran away and eloped. We were both 20 years old. We lived in Alabama for 7 months poor with nothing to our name and fighting every other day but happy. He didn't work at all while we were in AL either. Then we moved up to PA to live with his parents for a year and a half. That was the worst time I can remember. My husband's a mama's boy and his mother is very jealous so while we were living in her house she used every chance she got to use his time and say nasty things about me. He told me the nasty things but I never saw him defending me. Every time he came from talking to her, we would get in an argument because he would be saying things like "my mother's right" and such.

 

Then we moved to NJ where my family lived. We've lived here for a year and 4 months now. In October (6 months ago), I told my husband that I didn't love him anymore and that I was leaving him. He threw all sorts of fits, got his mother into it talkin about takin the kids from me and everything! My reason for leaving him was because he was taking me for granted and neglecting US and our relationship. I dealt with it and always found excuses (he's dealing with his mom, he's working really hard right now, etc.). I tried my best to be understanding but when I started telling him that we need counseling and that we are slippin' he would tell me that I needed counseling and I had the problems and he wasn't going to go to counselling or change for that matter. We've done our share of damage to each other emotionally.

 

He kept sayin that we should stay together on principle and he looked back and saw how things were and how neglectful and unreasonable he was. He said he would change. And I give him that...he did change. Here's the kicker...I've tried to love him again but I just don't. I care about hurting his feelings. I want him to be happy. But when I told him I was leaving, I prepared my heart and mind for just that...leaving. So 6 months later I still feel that same way. He doesn't trust me and I don't trust him because of how neglectful he's been with my heart. It's hard for me to forgive that because I've been through it before.

 

I'm afraid to leave him because I'm afraid of stepping out onto nothing and falling. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pick up the pieces of my life and find myself again. I also don't want to hurt him but I feel strangely free when I think of being free of my husband. What do you guys think?

[Illusion24]

Don't be afraid to let go of something that brings your spirits down. When you are in a relationship you have to have compromises and it doesn't seem as he's the type. Some people change, some people don't.

 

One thing I had to learn after a bad break up (2 year relationship) that it's better to be alone than being with bad company. My ex bf (we'll call him B) brought my spirits down, my pride, my joy, and my soul apart. He made me feel like scum and as if I was worth nothing. I left him and took a deep breathe and I've been happy ever since.

 

If he's not the one, don't be afraid, thank God for giving you the opportunity to look somewhere else. You just might find someone else who will appreciate you and take care of you like a real woman. I always say...If it doesn't work out the first time, it will never work out.

[happy45]

well i apologize, no advice to add, but i just realized how similar your situation is to mine, except im the guy. we even moved to NJ from PA 1 year and 4 months ago! my ex ( we got engaged over xmas) left me because she said she didn't feel loved or that i was proud of her. i never realized it until she left, and when i look back, i realized how unhappy i made the both of us. i feel horendous and ive done so much soul searching, but she seems to be in the same boat as you are.

 

she just up and left one day, says she is never coming back and that she never wants to be together again. she is so "relieved". the day before she was telling me she loved me and other people how happy she was. i couldnt understand how she could just shut me out like that after 9 years, but i guess it's sorta what you did. you made the decision in your heart and your mind - and im sure it was a very hard decision that didnt just happen overnight, although you may not have realized it until you had already decided deep inside.

 

ok, well like i said, i wish i could help. it definitely hurts from both sides of the situation. like your husband, i feel like i am ready to make and have made so many changes, but despite what i want to believe, maybe it really is too little too late. and in my case, she moved straight in with the "nice" guy at work who repeatedly told her how lonely he was, and is now telling her how much he loves her. within a few days of her taking off her ring, he's giving her all the emotions that i never did! so sad.

 

good luck with your decision, i wish you only the best. as much as i dont want to say this because of my situation, you really do need to do what makes you happy. if you really do feel so free, than maybe its the right choice. you cant force yourself to love anyone. at least you gave it a chance, i find that courageous and quite respectable. either choice you make will be a struggle, but realized there are many out there in the same boat, and we are always willing to listen!

[Straightlovely]

I told him last night how I felt. He had a lot of questions and we talked. He told me that he still loved me and that it would be hard for him. And I knew that. Last night he didn't sleep well on the couch. He told me that if that's what I wanted though he would move out.

 

I told him that I honestly didn't love him anymore and that I tried to love him again. I changed the people I was around (who told me we shouldn't be together - my parents) and even the music I listened to (not sad break up music but happy love songs). I spent more time with him and tried to find more things to love about him. He is a really good person. He's sweet (now) and considerate (now). But for 2/3rds of our marriage he was neither so it doesn't mean anything to me now.

 

I also told him that I have started desiring other men. Sexually and just to be with. Not local men but when I feel sexual I just don't want to be with him or around him. If I could feel that way, then I felt that I needed to call it quits. I didn't want to cheat on him. He understood that and said that he would rather us break up rather then him find me cheating.

 

I felt satisfied with my decision last night. I actually felt satisfied enough to even listen to love songs. This morning though I feel raw inside. I feel like I could cry at any moment but I don't have any tears. I'm thinking of things to keep me busy since I'm just at home taken care of the kids right now. I have to stand on my own two feet after being pregnant 4 times in 4 years (why I didn't have a job). 1 miscarriage, an abortion, and 2 kids later. *sigh* My son is 2 and my daughter is 1. I figure this is as good a time as any because they'll be used to us not being together.

 

I'm looking for a job now because I have to start living on my own. I'm not looking forward to that aspect of it...not having someone home. I'm not jumping into another relationship after this. I want to take some time for me and by time I mean years, at least a couple. To get on track and decide that course for my life.

 

Thanks guys for your posts. I don't have anyone to talk to about this being only 24...I don't have any married friends. Or any divorced ones for that matter.

 

Thanks for the support.

[happy45]

Well I am glad you are feeling good about your decision! You are a brave woman, I can't imagine how hard this must be on you.

 

I guess I should learn from you and realize that this is probably what my ex-fiancee feels. She loved me dearly for 9 years and for a long time I couldn't return all the love. When I finally go to that point and decided she was the one forever, I proposed, she accepted and then realized she wasn't in love anymore........

 

I still have tons of hope, even though she says not to have any, but reading your story has shed at least a little bit of light on the situation. At least you tried, she didn't even try, she just left. We were broken up for a year and a half once (after dating for 2.5 years) and got back together, but I realize for her to break off the engagement and disappoint family and hurt herself very badly financially, this is a much more serious situation. Plus she now has feelings for someone else.

 

Thanks again for sharing your story and I hope you find happiness. Keep us updated on your situation!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Have you talked to your doctor about any of this? Your kids are very young - it sounds like a clear case of post-partum depression. I was going to ask if you were in your 30's but I see you are only 24. Women in their 30's also get restless like this, and that is very much hormone related.

 

Or, it could just be that you married too young and are having second thoughts about the path your life is taking. Do you remember why you chose this path?

 

If you are feeling so much relief then maybe this is the right decision for you. Please don't forget that your babies will always come first and that could put a damper on your social life.

 

For me, I have the best of both worlds. My ex-H has the kids half of the time so I get to be a mom to my kids, I get to be a lover to my boyfriend, and I get time just for me (cuz he works alot). It was the right decision for me and therapy helped me to realize this. Also I take medication for mild depression and anxiety.

 

Good luck. Did you see your husbands post on this forum?

[Straightlovely]

...and there's really nothing I can say in response to it. That's how it usually is in a relationship. The one who cares the least has the most control. I care the least and I'm not sure there's really anything I can do about that. I haven't always been the one who cared the least but at this point I am.

 

My daughter is 18 months old now. I'm well out of postpartum depression. I know what depression feels like and although my eating habits are off, it's not out of the norm for me.

 

Yes I did marry too young and it's more like I'm having third and fourth thoughts about this relationship. I've been back and forth and over it in my mind and this is the decision that makes me feel happy and content. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the shuffle of marriage and motherhood. I don't wish to separate myself from motherhood (lol I can't separate myself from motherhood). And I love being a mother. I'm not looking to party even though I am 24. I'm looking to get closer with my family (mother, father, brothers, sister, cousins, etc.). I haven't been close to them since I've been married. They've always been second or last to my husband. He required so much of my attention and nurturing that I'm worn out. Emotional struggles and growing pains with his family and him have worn down my love, patience, respect and trust for him.

 

I'm currently looking for a job and looking to finalize all the arrangements to be made. I'm looking forward to that moment where I am...well in a word...free.