[incognito2]

My boyfriend has ADD, and it is turning into emotional abuse. When I don't want to have sex or do something, he just turns into a monster, calling me names and making me cry.

First of all, my mother is going through a treatment for hepatitis C, and I worry about her a lot.

On this day, she was feeling really sick and I was really worried. My boyfriend wanted to have sex, but I was so pre-occupied with worrying that I wasn't in the mood, I didn't tell him though. He kept trying to get me in the mood, and I kept saying no. He flipped. He told me that I'm never in the mood anymore and that he hates me and is going to break up with me. That I'm a bitch and he's not going to get "stuck" with me.

I then started crying and told him that I was thinking about my Mom. He said that has nothing to do with this, and left me to cry while he sat on the computer. After ten minutes of me crying, he came over to where I was sitting and held me. I told him that I had been worrying about my mom all day and that it was making me irritable, and I should have told him. He said sorry he said those things but sometimes he "can't control it" because he needs some sort of reaction out of me, no matter what kind.

The same sort of thing happened last night, we were playing a computer game and he was making sexual comments to me over the phone. I was so into the game I didn't even hear him. Then when I wanted to end the game, he kept blocking me from doing so. So I quit and he totally freaked out saying I was a stupid f*cking wuss for quitting and that he hated me. I said I didn't have to put up with him talking to me like that, and hung up. After that I went on MSN messenger, and asked him what the hell his problem was. He replied, "You" and "**** off". So I told him I didn't deserve to be talked to like that and don't expect me to call you tomorrow.

And now he hasn't talked to me all day. I'm not sure what to do, I'm usually the one who ends up taking the blame and calls him. But this time I'm sure I didn't do a damn thing.

[latesleeper]

hey, i think you're right, you DON'T deserve to be treated like that! if you don't accept that kind of awful treatment, then you won't get it. be firm!

[JoL]

Hi incognito..
You know it's weird..your situation sounds soooooo similar to my old situation with my ex. The blaming, name-calling, shouting, sudden mood swings, emotional blackmail, feeling "emotionally raped" when having sex with him after he demanded it in the middle of fights when i would be really upset over something etc..etc.. ..but luckily i realised i had to get out and made sure i did before it got any worse.

Your boyfriend having ADHD/ADD is NO excuse..I REPEAT..NO excuse for him to treat you this way..seriously. If his condition is serious then he needs to take responsibility for this and seek help..HE needs to address the issue. His ADD is not your fault, nor should you tolerate this sort of behaviour masked as an "ADD" issue. I know plenty of people with ADD and they DO NOT abuse their partners. Hmm.

The way you are being treated with verbal and emotional abuse is very damaging to you as a person..to your self esteem, self worth and confidence. I know I spent countless hours trying to figure out what i had done wrong this time, what i had said this time, what made him mad at me this time..when all along it was all HIM.

I was with my ex for a year and i tried my best to understand his point of view..i would try my best not to "set him off"..like i could control it or something. I thought that it was me..but soon realised it was HIS temper problem and HIS abusive personality that was destroying my soul and crushing my spirit.

Basically what i am trying to say is this- abusers and non-abusers live in two totally seperate worlds. Their perception of reality and fairness and their own emotions are quite distorted and warped. They believe the world is against them at times..when they are angry they concentrate their entire energy on hating us and blaming us (because we are closest to them) because somehow in their mind they justify that we deserve it. They use our emotions and general weaknesses (not wanting to feel guilty mainly) against us and exploit our good nature.

Healthy anger is something everyone is entittled to, dont get me wrong..but your boyfriend is acting like a typical verbal/emotional abuser to a tea. the way an abuser goes about expressing that anger as you said swearing, shouting and throwing tantrums is all about CONTROLLING YOU.
He wants to make you suffer. He really wants you sitting by the phone praying he calls and eating yourself up with guilt. Do you really want to live like this?!

Ahgrhgrhgr it makes me so angry!!

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself this- do i really want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells and letting someones tantrums, outbursts, opinions and control run my life?

If you answer yes- then stay with him and do nothing- because that is the life you are heading for.

But if you answer no- then DO NOT pick up the phone, DO NOT go and see him DO NOT contact him. Let him stew in his own juices and make him realise that he can't control you and he DOESN'T have the right to demand constant pleading and apologies from you. You are a person dammit, not a punching bag.

Make him realise you aren't going to be f*cked around anymore. Stand up to him before it's too late.