[skinut2234]

I need help and not sure where to go- My marriage seems to be going downhill fast.
I think it's me- and I've felt this way for years..... I just don't feel much anymore- I try -but it's not there.
We get along- the sex is good etc....... but overall- I feel little for her- NOt sure why.....
I'm sure part of it is my issue with her weight gain and I admin that I may be a little Shallow- but it's getting to the point where she is so frustrated with me because she is getting very little romantic affection. I know it;s me and I feel so horribly guilty about it- I do not know what to do.
Help!!! I do not know why I even feel this way......
I just think I've fallen out of love and don't know why.......

[JadeStar]

"I've felt this way for years." Wow thats a long time to be carry around a feeling like that. I'm sorry you feel that way and you sound like a good guy who is struggling with why or what to do. Let me ask you this? You said alot of it might be her weight. If she were to lose that weight do you think you might would feel the same reguardless? Part of it might be the weight issue but I'm sure it goes deeper than that.


Jade

[skinut2234]

Yes- I've gone into that in other posts.... I would feel more attracted. She is overweight by about 50 lbs and in general just doesn't care about her appearance as much. I guess it's a combination of that-and possibly a little boredom (which after 15 years is not uncommon.)- My problem is I am so stressed about hurting her that I keep making excuses like- ("I'm just not an emotional guy")- or ("I just don't need the affection-so I forget that I have to give it")- I just feel terrible and I really feel something is wrong with me. I know I am not that "Unemotional".
How do you just tell someone you just do not feel the same about them anymore???

It must be horrible to feel this way. I have a couple of questions, how long have you felt this way? Did you at one time feel very attracted to your wife? are there other issues other than the weight?, Have you been to counseling to try to sort out your feelings? As painful and potentially hurtful as it is, I would advise you to talk to your wife as gently as possible and explain to her that you are conflicted with your feeling towards her now. I would try to explore every option, to go to counseling together and separately to figure out whats really happening for you. Men often make the fatal mistake, by not saying anything and eventually walking out or walking around miserable because they are afraid to hurt their spouses, the truth is you are hurting her more now and yourself by not being open and honest. Believe me, I understand first hand. I had a very unhappy husband, he made the mistake to walk out, but with time and counseling we were able to work it out and are happily back together. Try the honesty route, it may bite you in the ass, but then again you could be happy again.

[Ladyjane14]

If you've been looking at porn, Skinut.....STOP. (It could be damaging your realistic view of women.)

The first question you have to ask yourself is do you want to be in love with your wife. (????) Because if you do....then you have to take action. Nothing changes when no one is working toward change.

If she's too fat, and it's bugging you to the point of NOT LOVING her anymore....then as difficult as it will be to address it with her, you'll have to do it. What do you have to lose if your marriage is going to go bust anyhow?

Take her for a walk, join the gym together, buy her some nice things.....pretty perfumes, stylish clothes. Help her clean out the closet and get rid of the torn-up sweatpants!

There's lots you can do. But the key to it all is first communicating your needs to your wife.

Best to be supportive of her needs as well when you do it, so that she feels less threatened. Although, there's just no really GOOD way to hear that your husband thinks you're too fat. You can minimize the damage by NOT taking offense if she's initially reactive, and by listening intently to her concerns, and addressing them as closely as you would your own.

[skinut2234]

thanks LadyJane-
Nah- Not looking at porn- (I used to) - I know it's not accurate representation........
I just don't feel it anymore.... I want to but It's not there.
I still have sexual needs (which makes it worse) since when I get in the mood- I want her but she gives me a hard time about only being romantic when I want to have sex. So then I feel guilty about it.....
Guess I need to sit down and have a heart to heart

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by skinut2234
Guess I need to sit down and have a heart to heart

Yeah, you do. It won't be easy by any means, but if you remember that criticism is only valid when it's constructive, you'll do okay. Have some ideas on how to improve the dynamics of the relationship on hand when you talk to her.

I don't think that you have much to lose by putting your cards up on the table at this point. Inaction will only put MORE distance between you. Nothing to fear, but fear itself, right?

Try spending more quality time together. Sometimes when my husband and I have been drifting apart emotionally, we play cribbage. It allows us to sort of cement our bond. It sounds silly, but it gives us time to relax and just be friends for awhile, before we try to tackle the bigger issues. We can spend a little time in smalltalk, and rediscover our ability to be companions. THEN....we can bond by more....ummmm....substantial methods.

If you haven't read it yet, try The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It's an easy read, and it'll give you some ideas on how to help her understand your POV...because it'll get you focused on how to communicate with her effectively.

If you want to be in love with your wife....put some effort into finding your feelings. Meet her needs, and ASK to have yours met as well.

We each have the ability to choose. Investing in your relationship is a choice. Like any other investment, you may have a return on it, or not. But you never know until you get in the game.