I found out 7 weeks ago that my wife had an affair shortly after we were married two years ago. She states that she had sex with her ex 3 times over a six month period. My wife refuses to discuss any details of the affair other than some lame, generic reasons for the affair.

The counselor that we have seen twice sides with my wife and states that details are not necessary. She wants to work on making our marriage whole again. I strongly disagree and from everything I've read and heard, discussing the affair is necessary to healing. Neither my wife nor the counselor believe that talking about the affair and what led up to it are important. I am very angry and resentful at BOTH of them and just want to get some feedback and advice on this subject.

Thanks in advance for any help.

Hello,

I agree with you totally. It is unbelievably hurtful and humiliating to you that your wife had a sexual affair shortly after your marriage with her ex. The fact that she wishes not to discuss this with you and the counselor agrees is totally unacceptable. I wonder what her position would be if the roles were reversed?

I would certainly seek out another counselor. Your wife owes you at the very least a full discussion about the affair, the reasons and the implications for you and your marriage. Her refusal to discuss it would be a line in the sand for me. Refusing to discuss this affair shortly after your marriage and putting your health at risk and making a mockery of her vows so shortly after the marriage are huge red flags. I simply do not see how you could trust her in the future and her refusal to discuss it with you implies it has nothing to do with you. With this kind of attitude I would be looking at your legal options. What have been the consequences to her actions.
Why would you want to be married to a wife who would have sex at least 3 times with her ex shortly after you married her? Clearly her attitude and actions indicates a person who has very little respect for you and your feelings. Please don't settle for this in your life. You deserve better than somebody like her.

[Lucky Dog]

I think you are right, talking about what led up to it and what happened are very important to be able to let it go and move on.

I would suggest you find another counselour.

[sylviaguardian]

I agree - until you are satisfied that you know everything that you need to know, you won't be able to move on. I know some counsellors believe that problems in the marriage are all that need to be addressed. I disagree. Sometimes it can be down to problems in the thinking of the person who had the affair and 'working on the marriage' will not change the way they view things.

Get a counsellor who you are BOTH happy with.

Sylvia

[harleygirl92156]

I had the same situation. The counselor forbid my husband to tell me anything. My husband knows me better than that and he knew I would not move past it until he told me who, what, when, WHY and where. It took three weeks, but he finally told me. Thing is since he lied, via advice from the counselor, about the details of the affair when he first admitted it, I don't trust that he is telling the whole story now. The counselor really messed up our marriage and we are now working through it together without his "help."

Get a new counselor, one that understands infidelity and deals with it regularly. Your questions should be answered, all of them. Once they are then you can move on, not until.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by harleygirl92156
I had the same situation. The counselor forbid my husband to tell me anything. My husband knows me better than that and he knew I would not move past it until he told me who, what, when, WHY and where. It took three weeks, but he finally told me. Thing is since he lied, via advice from the counselor, about the details of the affair when he first admitted it, I don't trust that he is telling the whole story now. The counselor really messed up our marriage and we are now working through it together without his "help."

That really sucks. Of course you can't trust him now. You should think about complaining about that counsellor.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You know they had sex, and how often - what sort of details are you looking for? The events leading up to it may have had to do with an internal struggle with your wife that had nothing to do with how she felt about you, or with your marriage in general. She may not have cheated because of you, you just happened to be married to someone who put you out of mind and went after someone else. What if your counselor came right out and told you "it had nothing to do with you, and her having an affair was entirely her own thing with no regard to you" - would you believe that? If it were true, and you didn't believe it - then there would be no way that you would be able to work through the issues at hand, if you can't accept them and be willing to work through them. What good would it do for you to know those details (these are hypothetical questions...).

Do you think that learning the prurient details will end up being detrimental for you? Would making those details available to you damage your perception of your wife and those particular actions you want to know about? Its likely that your counselor is weighing these options and sees that your fixation on the details is detrimental to the repair of your relationship in general. Its good to know details, and we all want to know them - but what if those details will end up causing more damage than harm?

Like I said, its just hypothetical and I was trying to play devil's advocate and see it the way your counselor might see it. Ask yourself these questions. If you are still having trouble with it, ask your counselor to explain his/her actions and why you feel you need to know these things for your own closure. If you are still having trouble, or find yourself stonewalled, ask to be referred to a different counselor.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Ya know....I wanted to know everything too....every little thing my wife did with her OM. Places they go, when they talked...what he bought her.....what resturants....where they would park to do the "deed".......details.....how she felt, etc....

.....I WISH I WOULDNT HAVE......

It is extremely painful. There are certain things now that will trigger the negative thoughts....wether it be seeing a car like the OM....or driving by a bar they would meet at....or going out to pool on Weds nights, knowing thats the night they would talk on the phone....not to mention, how she got off during the day in his car.....or when she said, he was a great kisser....these things HURT....and they get ingrained into your mind......and I know it will be hard to get these images and thoughts to leave my mind....

SO my advice to you is the same as my dad told me........YOU DONT NEED TO KNOW DETAILS....

TIME will heal your curiosity....

[Cecelius]

I think the more subtle point that's being addressed isn't whether the OP wants to know them or would do well with knowing them but the idea that she, and the counselor, refuse to get into it and are putting up a wall.

Personally, I have my line on cheating (cheating=instant splitsville, population: you) but you clearly have a little invested in this. I don't think its appropriate for your wife, especially what she was up to, or your counsellor, to paternalistically tell you what's best for you.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with Thumb. I think that what the counsellor is trying to accomplish is to prevent you from projecting mental imagery. The mental pictures that you might create from having too much sexual detail of the affair could become very real to you....as if you had actually witnessed it.

Some details are indeed important for you to know. For example, when and why help to set up parameters for accountability, and can be used to reconcile the problems in the relationship.

But you're really NOT going to want those mental pictures later.

[fleafly]

sorry to here about your situation, and believe when I say that I and a few others know how you are feeling and why you would want to know everything that happened. That said. You KNOW what happened, AVOID the details at all costs. I say this from personal experience, and it pretty much brought me to the point of no return, as far as my marriage is concerned. This mental images and thoughts will haunt you trust me on this, its all I think about, day and night.

flea

[reservoirdog1]

Get rid of the counsellor. You have an absolute right to know all the details -- she acted in blatant disregard for your health, at the very least. To say nothing of her massive disrespect for you and her willingness to sh*t all over the vows she swore freely. You need a counsellor who will encourage her to tell you everything you want to know.

Once you have that, however, for your own happiness, you should limit the scope of the questions you ask. How many times, and over what period of time, is relevant information. Whether or not they used protection is relevant information. But specific details like what positions, who was better, etc. shouldn't be delved into -- finding out that stuff will hurt you more than help you. In my case, I refrained from asking those questions -- not out of any greater wisdom, but just because I knew I didn't want to hear the answers.

The fact that the counsellor is boneheadedly missing is that, right now, your wife owes you the complete truth. Anything she keeps from you, out of a misguided belief that "you don't need to know", is an obstacle to rebuilding trust. Get rid of the idiot counsellor and find somebody with some common sense and compassion.

I asked my wife right off the bat what kind of sex acts were performed and she replied "nothing that we hadn't done before" so I am not really that interested in knowing the details of the sex acts themselves. These are the things that I want to know: Was this going on before we got married? When was the 1st time?(we got married in June 2003 and she says that the 1st time was in August 2003 but I have reason to believe it may have been in July). I also want to know why she resumed in Nov. and Dec. 2003 when I thought things were going much better. And I want to know when the last sexual contact was ( I have reason to believe that it wasn't in Dec. 2003).

The main thing I want to know is WHY. When I told the counselor that she stated "what difference does it make why?" Well excuse the **** out of me. If we don't know the reason why how are we to prevent this from happening again? I was so pissed off that I almost got up and left. Then my wife gave me a hastily written and obviously poorly thought out list of reasons: she was 2 hours away from her family, she felt I wasn't giving her enough attention, and , get this, she was upset because I like the spoon position "a little too much." Now that's a really sound reason to go **** somebody else.

My gut instinct tells me that she was still in love with her ex when she married me and became torn between staying with me and going back with him. For whatever reason, she (or he) decided that they shouldn't get back together so she stayed with me. I am so bitter, angry, and resentful that I cannot see myself staying in this marriage if my wife is not willing to be honest with me on these questions. I mean, it's not like I'm asking her intimate sexual details (though they certainly cross my mind quite a bit). I just want the truth on why this happened and if I can't these basic but necessary questions answered, then the marriage is over.

And no Resdog, she did not use protection. I'm probably a walking STD factory.

[Rick5478]

Why do men torture themselves by staying with women that cheat on them? It's not like there are any faithful women out there anyway, but to continue staying with someone who has already cheated on you and you're torturing yourself with those images in your head. Why even bother?

[Podna]

I am not so sure that keeping this information from him is a good idea. It is true that having the details will cause him to have a mental image of what took place, but when my girlfriend cheated on me I filled in the blanks with some of the vilest and most perverse acts known to man. Before long, those imagination constructed images became my reality.