[Howard]

mmm i dont now how to start but i just need some good solid advice. I am an emotional wreck right now. Me and my wife had given each other permission to cheat. We are away from each other for long times, sometimes 4-5mos apart. This time when we were together i wasn't able to perform i was under alot of stress, and i new my wife was getting frustrated because she has a very high drive, i am ok now since my drive has returned. So when i had to leave again for another 4-5mos i told her its ok if she cheat because its only sex, and not love. Before we got married we both cheated on each other, my wife gave another guy oral sex, and i had intercourse with one girl, and had a long making out session like ( 6-8hrs) with another girl were we did everything except no penetration. when we told each other of what happened before we got married to wipe the slate clean we were both hurt. But then later it turned into fantasy, she wanted to see or watch me with another girl and vise versa.
So a couple of weeks ago i called her up and said if she want to have sex with that guy she gave oral to it was ok, since its been a while since she got anything. I even helped her, with what to say and wear for the day. Well of course she was hesitant at first but eventually agreed because we both said it would be just sex and not love. well it turned out that this guy really rocked her world and when she told me about it, she was so happy, she felt great, it was like the best sex she ever had. Even as I wright this now she is on her second sex date with this guy ( who is also married and has children so thier should be no strings attached - just sex ).
This is the problem when i told her this could be the last time she told me "ahhh comon its just getting good". All this make me feel inferior. When i am horny i am fine with it, and fantasize about it, but not the last couple of days, because she is getting bored of telling me the same story. I am very jealous and i know my wife loves me to death and that we could never leave each other, so sometimes i am happy for her that she is getting her sexual fullment, and before this, i mean before we met we had only been with each other, the only other time was before we got married when we both cheated. when she describes what happened, even during phone sex, i get excited but a part of me is really jealous. I know she is enjoying it which i am happy about, but i dont now if i can handle it. She also told me i would feel better if i had someone to cheat with, but due to where i am thats not an option. I now i did it to myself by giving her permission in the first place, but now i am really depressed, i feel like theirs no way i will be able to fullfill her like the other guy, for one thing before i could penetrate her i would always give her oral sex to get her wet and an orgasm, whith this guy she doesn't need the oral shes wet before she starts and she doesn't care about the orgasm she just wants him in her. All she did was fullfil one of my fantazies, and now i am paying the price for it.
Please dont burn me just give me some good solid advice, i want her to be sexually fullfilled because i wont be around much especially for the next two year, basically i'll be lucky if i'll be with her for 2-3 mos out of the two years.
And if i had the chance i would probably cheat on her, but i now for a fact it wouldn't hurt her as much as what she is doing is hurting me. I now we cant live without eachother (high school sweet hearts dated for 10 yrs, married for 4yrs).
So dont flame just please, please help me out.
Thank you

[Debster]

Why are you both apart for so long? Wouldn't a better solution would have been to make it so you aren't apart for so long? I gotta say, the decisions you guys made I don't get it. There is such a huge lack of logic, IMO.

[jmargel]

You have to decide what is more important. Your job or her. You unleashed this beast and in all reality no one knows where it's going to go. Although it looks bad already since she decided to screw this guy again against your wishes. It's time to put your foot down, tell her it's bothering you and that you want to be only with her. I think counseling is in need here too.

Does this other guy's wife know about this? You know what's going to happen. An emotional bond between this other man & your wife is gonna form. This needs to be stopped now.

[Howard]

Tks for the quick replys. She screwed the guy with my permission. But the problem is we cant be together for antoher 2yrs or else i have wasted 28yrs of my life. I goto med school abroad, and its something i worked at for long time, and if I move her here, I will definetly fail, as I wont be able to study when she is with me. She also has a great job back home, and we dont have to worry about finances. I know I did it to myself. But i dont now what to do. I just feel like the lowest **** in the world. jUst confused. It just kills me that he can satisfy her, in ways i cant, she will tell me I am alot better, but I've known her the rest of my life and i now she is lying. Any more suggestion plz

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I feel for ya...

I guess it's too late to say NO MORE and just buy a vibe.

Is it really just about sex? Seems more loneliness probably has set in.

I'm afraid for you as the more she sleeps with others, the more easy it could be to become emotionally attached to somebody else. I don't know what to tell you except maybe she can take a mini leave of absence from her work, spend some time where you are...Talk everyday as much as you can and try to not allow anybody else into the marriage.

Marriage councilling eventually will help but right now with the distance apart it's harder.

I don't know what else to say...It's a tough situation and I wish you all the best.

[Howard]

tks which for your reply unfortunalty i dont even want to talk to her anymore even on the phone, i just hate the excitement she has about what she did. I feel like i've also failed her sexually, i now we both have extreme high drives ( i masturbate at least 6-8 times a day, and she cant go for 3 days without orgasming), the only thing is my drive returned and she isn't here to benefit from it, when i was thier my drive was so low from being stressed out about school ( failing ect ) that when she would go all out for me, i would be like not today honey.
To the other question no the other guys wife doesn't now, the problem is she found out about them along time ago when my wife had oral with him, and she gave him a warning to never do it again, but then he called like 3-4mos after, wanting to talk with my wife, but I was their so she told him never to call our house again, and she told me when he first said that his wife found out and that they cant be together he was crying like he had feelings for her. she will call me in about an hour because she is with him right now.
I really dont now what to do, i cant leave her because i told her to do it, and i love her, and we have a kid, but i dont think i want to have sex with her, because theirs no way i will be able to perform like him. Also she has denied me anal sex my whole life, but with him she had it and told me its ok if we do it, it just shows she into him more then she is into me. If i dont feel like **** i will tell you what she says, or maybe tommorrow, i've never drank alcohol in my life but i may start today, it will get my mind of things. I workout everyday, like 1-2hrs, but that doesn't help me get my mind off things, infact i'm so angry when i workout that all my lifts have increased. I am angry at my self for doing this to me. what the *** have i done.

[li'l bunny]

That's not very fair. Maybe he didn't think she would do it. Lots of people when they're away wonder if their partner is having sex with someone else. Maybe he wanted her to reassure him that she didn't want to have sex with someone else. Or maybe he felt he couldn't expect her to stay faithful when he was away so much. Either way I don't think he really wanted her to sleep with another guy.

That said, what on earth possessed you to say it was okay? Especially with a guy she'd already cheated with. The two of them are obviously close if they are still in touch and she could just ring him up and say 'hey I have the all clear to f*** your brains out' and he says 'cool I'll be right over'. It does sound a little strange.

[Howard]

tks lil for your trust. i now i deserve what i asked for. I said to her to do it because i always new she wanted to, and i just wanted her to get it out of her system, plus she told me to go ahead, and then i thought to be fair i told her to go for it. The only thing is she hasn't called me today, especially since she met him today, i am thinking of calling her work to see if she is ok, she always calls before going to work and leave me a voice mail just to say she is ok. mmmm life sucks i guess.

[RecordProducer]

Howard, you actually did the right thing by giving your wife the permission to cheat. There's a saying "Give one a power and you will know who he really is!"
When my boyfriend and I started dating he said we were not in an exclusive relationship yet and we could date other people. I was very hurt by that. After a couple of months I told him I haven't dated anyone and have had no desire to, because he was the one I wanted. He said he felt the same and hadn't dated anyone. Then we took our profiles off the dating sites and agreed upon an exclusive relationship.
He said to me: "The point of having a non-exclusive relationship was not to cheat with a mutual permission, but to NOT date other people when you DO have the permission to."
Then I realized how right he was. After all, we don't want our partners to not cheat on us because we told them so. We want them to WANT to be faithful to us by their own choice.
By the way, I've been with him for 6 months in a long-distance relationship. We've seen each other 3 times (20 days total).
I completely understand your worries and jealousy. I would feel very bad too. I also understand that it makes you horny, and that doesn't mean you're a pervert.
You gave your wife a loaded gun and she shot you. You need to find a way to deal with it.
For start, you MUST tell her how you feel. Depending on her reaction, you will find a solution. If it's going to hurt her too then it's a good sign.
Don't worry about the other man pleasing her better than you. He is just new and she's wet, because what she is doing is kinda nasty in her perception so it gives her the thrills. Plus she's been horny for a long time. And the marriage kills the sexual sparkle. You've been together for 14 years.
Talk to your wife! You might be surprised by her reaction. She might have thought: 'Well if my husband lets me sleep with other people then it means he doesn't really care and he wants to sleep with other women as well'.

[Howard]

thankyou recordproducer, you made me feel a little better. thankyou very much. The only thing is I now when i see my wife after 3-5mos, when i come back, its like we are totally into eachother, since we haven't seen eachtoher for a long time, and like in any relationship, sex is very important in our relationship also. Just this time it will be different, i feel like i've lost something, i dont now how to explain it, but i know this time when we see each other i will feel different, like she isn't all mine anymore. Thankyou everybody for your honesty. I still got 5weeks till i get back, and i dont now if things will get worse or better. I now for me i think they are getting worse, its just that the one time i told her to stop meeting him again she was like "a hhhhh it was just getting good" and i dont now what that means, i am also very afraid if i tell her to stop, she will go see him anyway behind my back - something i wont be able to handle, and will definetly kill our relationship.

[Moose]

Man, I knew people were getting bad, morally, but this conversation is the proof in the puddin'. Listen to you two:

Howard, you actually did the right thing by giving your wife the permission to cheat.

WHAT? You're nutts! Why would anybody even think about opening that door? I'm beginning to think that you need help RP.

"The point of having a non-exclusive relationship was not to cheat with a mutual permission, but to NOT date other people when you DO have the permission to."

This makes absolutley no sense to me. What is a non-exclusive relationship when you can't date other people? I think you were had.

After all, we don't want our partners to not cheat on us because we told them so. We want them to WANT to be faithful to us by their own choice.

When you become a partner, it's a given you don't cheat. You don't, "tell", the other to be faithful, you trust them not to be faithful. If you find they can't be faithful, then you find a partner who will be. It's not like you go out, pick someone from the crowd and say, "Hey, I'd like to be your partner, don't cheat on me", and expect that person to do it. It's a mutual understanding once you become exclusive.

Before we got married we both cheated on each other, my wife gave another guy oral sex, and i had intercourse with one girl, and had a long making out session like ( 6-8hrs) with another girl were we did everything except no penetration. when we told each other of what happened before we got married to wipe the slate clean we were both hurt. But then later it turned into fantasy, she wanted to see or watch me with another girl and vise versa.

This should of been your first clue Columbo. This marriage was doomed to fail from day one. If this has been ok with you from the get go, you have noone else to blame for your misery but yourself. Personally, I think you're a fake, and if you're truly in med school, I pray that I'm never one of your patients. Do you k-n-o-w what i mean n-o-w?

[Howard]

Thankyou moose for your opinion. Well I just called her and she sounded like she enjoyed it more then she enjoys it with me. I guess the marriage is doomed, but i cant leave because we have a kid, and it was me that did it to myself. so i ****ed myself, i will be stuck in this marriage for the rest of my life. Before this all I did was dream about my wife especially when i'm away from her for so long, she is really beautiful and has guys hitting on her constantly, but i dont feel specail anymore that she is mine, i dont think i will be able to have sex with her or be intimate, when i close my eyes i dont even think of her sexually - it will take a long time till i get over whats happening. I now one thing is unbalanced i always consider her feelings more then she ever considers mine, and this is probably just an example.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Two options:

1. Call her up and tell her how you feel, and why (ok, leave out the part about how inadequate you feel). Tell her that you are glad she got her release, but that a release is all you really intended it to be, that you have not and will not cheat on her, and that you are requesting that she stop sleeping with (and stop talking with him, because that would just be an emotional affair) this guy she just slept with. Tell her it is hurting you, but that you didn't know how much it would hurt you when you gave her the ok to do it, but that you made a mistake, and hope you can put this genie back in the bottle before it hurts your relationship. Stress that this is not her fault, and that you take full responsibility for what has happened so far, but that you wish more than anything in the world that you had never brought this up in the first place. Tell her that you feel like what you and she have together is special, that you feel that the both of you should save yourselves for each other from this point forward, and that you know she could do it behind your back, but that you love her, and that you are going to trust that if she says she will not, that she will not. See what she says.

2. Recognize that what you now have is what is called an "open marriage". Go get yourself some locally where you are now, and then find a way to be happy with that, deal with that, and feel close to her anyway (all the stuff you were saying earlier about how it's just sex and not love, etc. etc. etc.). Most open marriages don't work, but some do. Personally, I don't think I would want that.

[Howard]

thankyou withorwithoutyou, that is really great advice, but the reality is i probably will tell her i dont feel like talking to her when i get back and we will see what decision she makes, i'll be back in a month plus i have big exams coming up and i cant be distracted, or all this was for nothing, so when i talk to her in a month i will just tell her i'll see her when i get back, and if she's in love with him, then its my loss and i wont bother winning her back, i guess i give up, just time to focus on studying and passing exams. i can read her like a book so if she lies to my face then i will now the truth. I can't believe i did this to myself i wish i could go back in time and change everything, right now i will focus on passing and when i get back i will focus on my son, i'll leave it to her if she wants me or not. Plus i now i am getting old i am almost 30, and i've spent my whole life in school, i have nothing no house, no finances, all the things a wife would want i cant provide, i am at the mercy of my parent finances, and my wifes job, she blames me for this since all her friends have everything and we dont, i use to think having each other would be enough, but i personally dont care anymore - i now i am hurting and maybe this is just jibberish, or i am releasing my anger at the situation, but the wound i have no bandaid or love will heal.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Have that talk with your wife, and do it tomorrow. And for God sakes, don't tell her you don't want to talk with her for a month just because she is doing the other guy (remember it was YOU that said that was ok - time to say it is UN-OK). At least make SOME effort (a simple, heartfelt request) to put a stop to that. If she tells you she isn't going to stop, well, ok, then don't talk to her for a while and focus on your exams. I know what a pain those kinds of exams can be, and after putting so much in, failing would just suck. But DO make the effort man! It isn't fair to either of you if you don't. Like you said, this is your f**k-up, so at least make some passing effort to fix it before putting your nose to the grindstone and basically giving up on your marriage! You owe it to both of you. This cannot wait a month. The time is now. And this whole idea you seem to be getting at that you are bad in the sack or something - forget that! The lady had not got any sex for so damned long that of COURSE she enjoyed the hell out of it and it felt good. It doesn't mean that you are not good! Call her up, put a stop to this bull****, and take your wife back!