I am sure this has been discussed at great length and if I need to I will research old threads.. but sometimes its easier just to post the question, lol!
So... I've been going back and forth over the child bearing issue and... I'm just not in a screaming hurry to add more people to the world. I am almost 31. I love children, I really do, but... I have no desires to have babies and raise them.
Now, if it were to happen, I would deal, but I have no immediate plans to pop out some kids soon.
Was anyone like this and did it change for you? What made it change, getting pregnant, or just something inside of you?
I am wondering if I should date men who don't want children, which are actually kind of hard to come by. Or just chance it and believe that I will know that he is the ONE when I want to have his children. ???????? Ech that's some corny crap, isnt it?
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CURVYGURL
For peace of mind, resign as General Manager of the Universe.
Originally posted by ~Naive~
Why exactly do you noot want children? Is it just a feeling you have or is it circumstances, experiences, etc?
Just curious.
I think it stems from alot of things... abuse in my childhood, having to grow up so soon and basically raise my brothers, feeling like if I can't guarantee that he'll be a good dad, will love and care for his kids and not make them afraid of him, then I don't want to start their lives off on a wrong foot. Plus I love my freedom and I've yet to have a long term relationship. I want some time with my SO, husband before we decide to bring another life into the picture. I admit to being selfish and I just don't want to resent bringing a child into the world and having to sacrifice to take care of it.
Last edited by CurvyGurl; 21st March 2005 at 8:19 PM..
The only time I have ever even contemplated the thought was when I was in the infatuation stage with my ex-fiance.
So Curvy, you are not alone.
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"How am I to tell you that I am intoxicated with the faintest odour of you, that, had I possessed you a thousand times, you would see me still more intoxicated, because there would be hope and memory where there is yet only hope. - Balzac, to his future wife.
I'd never really decided if I wanted children or not until I met my fiance. And, he does NOT want children. I made sure to consider this before we decided to get married. And, unless something changes, it'll just be us. There is no way I would EVER have a child (by sneaky means or otherwise) if my husband did not want one. Nothing would be worse for a child than being unwanted by one parent.
So, I would say it would be fine to date men who do not want children as well as men who do. But if it starts to get serious, really discuss what you both want. Like it has been said above, you might just be dying to have some man's children some day! Then you'll know...
Me? I've promised to put my extra energy to good use- using spare time to volunteer, etc.
As of now, my husband and I have no plans to have children. It's highly unlikely that that will ever change. I've had my tubes tied to ensure that I never became pregnant. However, if life decides to take a different path, I don't rule out the possibility that we could adopt.
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People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
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Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
I have heard that kids are a pain in the arse, they kill the romance and ruin most relationships. That's what mom's been telling me.
But I can never ever imagine my life childless. I want to have at least 2 children. It gives a reason to work for, hope for, laugh for, expect tomorrow for. The biggest fear of my life is that I may not be able co concieve.
Curvy, whatever makes you happy. As long as you plan to tell the truth to your partner, I'm sure you'll find someone who shares your opinion on the subject.
i don't want children, and i never have. i'm with curvy, i guess if i had to, i could deal with it, but i don't think that's a good reason to choose to have them. and no one really has to have them, as there are ways around it, should you believe in that kind of thing. which i do.
i have met the person that i believe i will be with for the remainder of my days, and i still have not changed my mind.
i was never abused, i had a fabulous childhood. my parents are still married after 32 years and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. my parents and the rest of my family are wonderful and supportive and probably closer than most families are. i love my four nieces and one nephew to death and would do anything for them.
i love the man i am with, i think he would be an amazing father. i love watching him with his own nephew and with the little ones in my family.
none of these things make me want to have children. there are things i want to do with my life and in my life that i could not do if i have children. it may sound selfish, but i think it's more selfish to have children and then neglect them so you can live your life however you please.
i know, 1'm 24, i'm young, and everyone but me tells me i will change my mind. good thing i am the only one who can actually decide that.
not to mention i was pregnant once. i hated every minute of it. i had a miscarriage, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. i wasn't glad for the situation, but i really don't know what i was thinking when i thought i could handle it. and that was it, "i could handle it" not "we really want this baby and now is a good time."
i am completely pro-choice, but that doesn't mean i am totally comfortable using my choice. the choice was made for me, and everything happens for a reason.
Last edited by GirlDown; 22nd March 2005 at 4:51 PM..
i'm 32 and have never had feelings one way or the other about me procreating. i'm philosophical. if they appear i'll love them, if they don't, i won't miss them. i think my biological clock simply doesn't exist.
i don't think desire for children is necessarily linked to meeting a guy you want to spend your life with. at least it never has been for me. when i met him, the desire for children still didn't materialise. and whilst it's somewhat taboo to admit it, some people who have children (and there have been posts about this) regret the decision.
being able to rationalise that kids aren't for you doesn't make you a worse person or a less valuable contributor to society than the woman who wants a hoard.
not everyone is cut out for parenthood. it is the effective end of your freedom and the end of being responsible solely for yourself for at least the next 20 years. knowing yourself well enough to make a decision not to have a child is very brave.
consider also that not everyone has a healthy child. it's crucial to ask yourself if you want children for your own reasons (which can vary wildly) or if you want children purely for the joy of devoting yourself to another, or several, little people - in whatever form they arrive.
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sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment. ~rumi.
I didn't want kids. I was firm about it. My reasons were all wrong though and I was too young at 30 to really know what I wanted--I was just figuring out myself at that point and didn't feel I was ready anyway!
When I finally met someone & fell in love he was dead set against kids--which I expected. I thought "perfect" and so we fell in love and married. Over time I changed and I wanted kids. It just happened as I got older. I wanted to be a mom, I wanted the challenges and the love. There are a ton of reasons, but mostly I just wanted 'our' children.
He was still quite firm about it. He didn't want kids then, he doesn't want kids now type of thing.
I told him OK and I meant it, but he decided the safest thing to do would be to withhold sex until I was past child-bearing age. He did. We don't have kids. I'm too old now. I regret it. I want kids.
Think carefully about it and make sure your decision - whatever it may - is made for the right reasons.
I was always taught, and firmly believed, that NO man wanted to be a father. They were trapped or subdued or gave in and just dealth with it. Maybe because that is what I expected, that is why I attracted that type of man.
There is no changing that type of man. I was surprised that you see the opposite and that most of the men you date do want kids.
Date people you like and are attracted to, and if you think it may become serious - discuss children early on.
Me, too. Besides, long ago I saw an adoption article about a family of four kids left parentless and alone in the world. So if I was going to have kids, I was going to adopt. No earthly reason why I had to use my own particular DNA to procreate when there are perfectly good kids out there without families. I made this perfectly clear before I married - if he really wanted kids, he was to escape while he could.
I was stepmom to four for a while and that was fine and fun. I adapted and did well, but I must say it was a bit daunting to think that it would be ten or more years before we could spend vacations without the kids (since he didn't see them every day, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with them, of course).
But I've not for one second had any longing or wish or regret that I haven't got them. I'm impressed when I see good parents who have good relationships with their grown kids, but I also know there are a lot of unpleasant family situations out there, too and you never know what life will hand you.
Originally posted by CurlyIam
I have heard that kids are a pain in the arse, they kill the romance and ruin most relationships. That's what mom's been telling me.
Yes, having children does kill the romance. There's not much time for hot passionate sex and candlelit dinners when you have to run around changing nappies, dropping the kids to and from school etc. But what else is to be expected? It's part of being a parent - time is no longer a couple's own.
The problem is that way too many people have children without thinking about this beforehand. Many couples even believe that having a baby will revitalize their relationship and bring them closer together. Wishful thinking! Then they get divorced because they realize that 'the lovin' is gone!' Why is the pursuit of romance considered more important than a child's well-being?
If romance is that important, then it's best not to have children. There is no point bringing them into the world and then neglecting them.
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