I don't mean to take the attention away from topaze, but I am a successful single female and I have no luck meeting a bf. I am a "good catch" good looking, successful and all that but I have never been in an exclusive relationship and am in my 30s with my clock ticking. Whenever I date or think I am in a relationship, it is an open one whereby the man makes it clear he is seeing other women and it is so difficult emotionally until I decide to end it to meet a man who will be exclusive wtih me.

I have always been busy with school and or work and am so so frustrated and sick of it. I hope I'm not alone out there. It is getting more and more frustrating. Ever since I was in my late 20s I think maybe men are more interested in younger women because when I was younger I would get hit on a lot more but was too consumed with work or school and was not interested in a relationship. Now that I am, I feel very lonely and have nobody to share myself with.

[Topaze]

I can relate to the loneliness that you have shared. I have felt it too. Unfortunately, men do seem to prefer women in their 20s, even men in their 40s and 50s express such a preference. One option that I wish that I had been aware of earlier is that of dating younger men. I do that almost exclusively now. If you haven't considered that option, give it a try. There are more single men in their 20s than in any other age group so demographics are definitely in your favour. Good luck.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, not all men prefer younger women. I really have no preference myself. Younger women are nice, but so are women my own age, or even a few years older. I'm in my early 30s, and my last GF was in her mid-30s, without about a 5-year separation in age. It just didn't matter. Age is just a number, and it is more about maturity and who someone is inside than whether they are a few years older or younger.

[Donut]

Lonely and looking, have you been trying the online personals at all? What are your usual methods for finding men?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hey LL, I'm really sorry to hear that. I have a friend in a similar situation, and I'm trying to help her out too.

Some questions. Do guys hit on you at all? Or are you in the trap of not liking the ones that like you, but hankering after others? Do you meet lots of guys in work and social life? Are you approachable? Do you rely on guys taking the initiative or do you take first steps too? Is there anyone you're interested in right now?

Thanks for the responses. I'll respond in 2 posts...I used to be very picky and would turn down everyone waiting for Mr. Right or else I wouldn't want to waste my time but now I am more open and would really like to be in a relationship. When I say "now" I mean for the past few years.

I get up early, go to work, get home late in the evening all exhausted. I have no friends and on weekends I am either doing laundry, shopping and or trying to relax. Sometimes at the grocery store a man will catch my attention but it's not like he comes up to me to talk.

I have put an ad online on and off for a long time. Mostly men from far away contact me – I live in an exclusive suburb so most places are out of the way for many people, and the few who I met in person - one took me to sushi and he and the bartender were making the crudest jokes I was so offended I wanted to go home. It seemed like he brought a different girl there from online all the time to show off. Another man I met online we met for lunch nearby. I found it tacky that he had us split the bill even though I can more than afford it and he seemed very arrogant. Nothing good has happened yet.

I want to meet a nice guy to spend my time with and have a relationship. I don't have time to take evening classes or join a salsa class etc. as I am a professional and my work consumes me and drains me out. I could see myself being alone for another ten years easily.

cont...
Reluctant Romeo asks: "Some questions. Do guys hit on you at all? Or are you in the trap of not liking the ones that like you, but hankering after others?"

>>When a guy hits on me I think I respond very seriously because I don't know what to do or say. I get a little excited but then it seems they are not interested, oftentimes assuming I am already taken and referring to a boyfriend that I may have. I don't want to seem desperate and say "I'm available, ask me out." I wish they would though.

"Do you meet lots of guys in work and social life?"

>>No...even though I am in a field where it is almost all men mostly in a professional office, they are mostly married and the ones who are not, really are not for me so work is not an option. I don't really have a social life. I do not go to bars - no way - not alone to get picked up.

"Are you approachable? Do you rely on guys taking the initiative or do you take first steps too?"

>>A lot of times people think I am a snob when I am not. Family members have told me in the past that I am either intimidating or people think I am a snob. It is a combination of my appearance (good looking), high status (very professional) combined with some shyness that throws people off about what I am really like inside. It is very frustrating and I am getting depressed lately.

The last closest thing I had to a relationship - the guy was great at first, then he became very jealous. I work late and he always started calling in the evenings nonstop as to make sure I was still there. It resulted in a lot of problems with me getting upset that he had trust issues. Sometimes I go to the gym in the evenings and like I said, have to squeeze in my other errands and he just wanted 100% of all my time away from work which was not realistic and it became possessive. By the way, he was my next door neighbor!!! I have since moved but I thought it was interesting that of all places, I end up with someone literally next door. That's how serious my problem with meeting men anywhere is.

Sorry this is so long, had to get it out. Thanks for anyone who read the whole thing.

[tokyo]

I got this book a while ago, "The program - how to find a husband after thirty" by Rachel Greenwald. I skipped through it and if I recall it correctly she says if you want to find a husband, then you have to start dedicate your time to this task otherwise it won't work out. And I tend to agree with her in this point.

You either tell yourself, I want to find someone and invest time now and make it a priority in your life, but wishing someone without really getting active won't help you. If you don't have any activities beside your work, where do you think you will meet people? You only have a limited amount of time, if you decide to dedicate it all to your work, then it's your choice, but what you put in your work, will be missed in other parts of your life. If you can't find the time now to find a partner, will you then have time to maintain a relationship?

I haven't read this book very intensively, but I think it might be written for women like you, she has a bit of a businesslike approach and maybe that would make it more easy for you to follow. It consists of a program divided into several steps towards improving yourself and meeting the right person. Even though your aim might not be finding a husband right now, it in generals seems to have some good suggestions.

Last but not least, I would like to comment on the title of your thread, because it caught my attention. The title of your thread implies (in my eyes at least) that you think that you are a great catch, but nobody out there appreciates you or that people do not value these qualities anymore. I don't think that the problem is that these qualities are less appreciated nowadays, but people might think that you don't have these qualities or maybe they think you have them, but don't seem to be interested in talking to them or having any further contact, so people don't approach you. Or maybe your standards are too high and that's why you are alone. And remember that you yourself said that you hardly have time to go out and meet people, you spend your weekends alone. You could be the greatest catch, but if you don't give people a chance to approach you and if you don't become active in changing this, then you will stay alone, your focus should not be about complaining why other people don't appreciate you, but instead you might want to look at yourself and try to change the things that may make people less interested in you despite all your good qualities. I apologize in advance if I misinterpreted this, but I did find the title of this thread a bit irritating (oh well, I get irritated pretty quickly, that's *my* problem ).

[Donut]

If you don't have time for a salsa class or other hobby, work alot etc, are you going to have time for a man?

If you are serious about wanting a guy to have a quality relationship with, you'll need to put some quality time into it.

I think it's good you have a strong work ethic and are an independant woman, but is it possible you could devote a bit more time to your quest?

I'm pretty sure there are dating services or matchmakers for professional people, who don't have alot of time to spare for a search, who will probably be in the same situation you find yourself in. Perhaps it could be worth finding out about those?

[ReluctantRomeo]

You *do* sound like my friend. She's really sweet, but comes across as distant, unapproachable or even hostile on a first meeting.

I agree with what has been said by Donut and Kooky about needing to make time. Finding and maintaining a relationship is surprisingly time-consuming. Although worth every minute. I find it significant that the last relationship foundered on him wondering what you were doing with your time. And he *did* have a rival, btw - your work!

Also, I'm gonna point out a way in which you are most definitely *not* a catch: social skills and relational network. In most relationships I know, this is something the woman brings to the table. Your skills will at best be rusty from lack of use (the "Robinson Crusoe" phenomenon). Moreover, without social confidence and know-how, how will you navigate the first date, relationship issues, etc?

I would suggest that you start by making time for some female and male friends to get you back into the swing of socialising. And a couple of allies - ideally at least one male, one female - would be great for helping you make yourself over and get back into the dating game.

Sorry. This is brutal but I think you had to hear it.

[curiousnycgirl]

Poor dear - you sound like me a few years ago. I was basically a workaholic who made no time for myself. I don't think I was quite as bad as you - as I did spend tremendous amount of time on charity work and my horse in addition to my professional life, but overall I certainly did not have time for a man!

I will tell you the thing I tell all my "mentees" - DO NOT TURN INTO ME!!!! I am almost 40 (2 weeks away) and still single. Although for the first time in many years I have been in a relationship for 10 months - and this guy may just be a keeper!

So how did I do it? Well I began to see a Psychologist - specifically a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist - it has changed my life!

Within 8 months of beginning therapy I took my first vacation in years! While on vacation I had my very first "hook up." Let me tell you it has all been very liberating, although all in baby steps.

I've been in therapy for 2.5 years now - suddenly I have a fuller/richer life than ever before.

Before you say anything else - no it has not hurt my career one bit. If anything I've had greater successes of late! I work at a fortune 100 company and I am within the top 10% of the corporate hierarchy (was probabl within the top 15% before) - you cannot tell me I don't understand - I assure you I am in a man's world, I understand!

I urge you to seek help, or if you have the personal fortitude (I didn't) do it yourself!!!!

Best of luck to you!!!!

[estakado]

I'll take you out, PM me, lets chat.

Originally posted by Lonelyandlooking
I don't mean to take the attention away from topaze, but I am a successful single female and I have no luck meeting a bf. I am a "good catch" good looking, successful and all that but I have never been in an exclusive relationship and am in my 30s with my clock ticking. Whenever I date or think I am in a relationship, it is an open one whereby the man makes it clear he is seeing other women and it is so difficult emotionally until I decide to end it to meet a man who will be exclusive wtih me.

I have always been busy with school and or work and am so so frustrated and sick of it. I hope I'm not alone out there. It is getting more and more frustrating. Ever since I was in my late 20s I think maybe men are more interested in younger women because when I was younger I would get hit on a lot more but was too consumed with work or school and was not interested in a relationship. Now that I am, I feel very lonely and have nobody to share myself with.