[zanthe]

This is my first post. I'm writing my thoughts here as I'm looking for an outlet for pent up emotions that have dogged me for almost two years. Please note that I'm not a person ruled by emotions. I've been described as confident and strong willed. Actually, I'm a lot of fun too. My point is, my brain usually makes my decisions, not my heart. I'm very happily married and have been for 12 years. My friends are envious of my wonderful relationship. It's all good. It's as much as I could ask for in a married relationship.

The problem? Picture this. I am a director in a medical facility. So is the man that sits directly across from me. Yes, one office, desks facing each other. We sit perhaps 5 feet apart. Due to construction etc. it is our second office and we've been there for almost 3 years.

At first, I knew we were very compatible. We had a very comfortable friendship. We told each other almost everything that was going on in our lives. Yes I know what you're thinking. Emotional affair. Dangerous to the home front. But, I was aware of what was happening and I made sure to take steps to liven up my marriage, to keep it fun and fulfilling for my husband and myself.

It's snowballing. I've fallen for my coworker. And I'm very much in love with my husband. It's as if I have one life that I live at home, and another that I live at work. I am continuing to make sure that I'm not depriving my husband at home in any way, physically or mentally (as can happen with an emotional affair).

My coworker and I have had discussions about our situation. It's mutual. (I know...I should never have brought it up with him...but I didn't need to...he already knew). He likes to refer to our situation as "no man's land". We have great fun, we tease and joke around and share intimate details of our lives. In another life, we would have been very happy together. He has sworn that he will never touch me in an intimate way as he will not risk ruining the relationship that I have at home.

My heart is smothering me. It's almost like I need him to reassure me in some way...just a touch on the hand or something. He will not touch me unless he has no choice. He will catch my gaze and keep it, or tell jokes to make me laugh, or call me on my cell phone to make sure I'm not in the ditch when it has snowed or send me an email to liven up my day. Yes, we email on a regular basis. Just nonsense for the most part, but it's contact of sorts.

How am I going to stop this? Especially being in such close proximity while working. I really don't know what to do. Changing jobs really isn't an option because I'm not ready to travel at this time in my life. I actually asked him yesterday for a list of things that he didn't like about me, something I could focus on to help break this spell. He laughed and said he couldn't think of anything.

Please, if anyone has been through this type of situation, I would appreciate some insight.