Well I've been separated four months now and I am starting to date again. I have met someone I am interested in. I keep the kids most of the time and I am just curious as to when it is ok to let that person meet your kids or come over to the house. She also has a boy the same age as my son which is three and I have an eight year old daughter. Are there any rules or how could this affect them. I consider it just an acquaintance stage right now and I am taking it very slowly. Would the kids be ok if I introduced her as just a friend? Any advice would be helpful!
Unless it appears to the child to just be a playmate/playdate thing, I wouldn't do it anytime soon. Give it a couple of months of dating, then introduce them.
__________________
"Well it’s time to go home
And I ain't even done with the night." JcM
I don't know either. My bf of six months (I've been separated for 6 weeks) came over to help with something at my new home and met the kids. But he was my "friend" who was there to "help". He came by again to help some more and my 8yr old daughter joked after about my "boyfriend". After he came over the 3rd time, they began to catch on. But I haven't admitted anything yet.
Time for a talk with them about this but I dont know what to say. The custody is 50-50 so they are with their dad often. I don't know if they've said anything to him, but he wasn't born yesterday either.
I want to spend vacation this summer with BF and the kids. I would also like opinions - is this too soon?
I think it depends on the kids. Are they really attached to you? Are they pretty laid back like mine? Their personalities have alot to do with it.
From past expierence. I was eight and my brother was 3 when my mother just up and left my father. Then my father got a girlfriend. We met her at the begining. She had a daughter. (Spoiled brat). My dad's girlfriend was evil she beat on me when I was little. They aren't together anymore. Thank God! Now not to say that this women would do anything of the sort. I would really take it slow. After you feel completely comfortable with this woman then introduce her to your kids.
__________________
"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."
- Johnny Cash
Make sure you know her well yourself. You don't want any suprises like a sudden personality change. You know ppl put up fronts when they are first dating. It takes a while for their real self to show through. I think you should wait to you feel like you know her and trust her.
I say keep your personal life - YOUR personal life. In my experience, it's much better not to involve children with the new boyfriend/girlfriend.
I was married for ten years, we broke up, I started dating a guy a year after. I never once touched him, sat beside him, kissed him, hugged him.....nothing! for the first year and a half of our relationship. Sometimes it was hard but I was doing it for my children and that alone was enough encouragement for me to "act appropriately".
The children already have a father/mother remember that, and another thing......it's none of their business who Mommy or Daddy are dating - they are just kids! Let them be kids!
Originally posted by Bubbles
I say keep your personal life - YOUR personal life. In my experience, it's much better not to involve children with the new boyfriend/girlfriend.
I was married for ten years, we broke up, I started dating a guy a year after. I never once touched him, sat beside him, kissed him, hugged him.....nothing! for the first year and a half of our relationship. Sometimes it was hard but I was doing it for my children and that alone was enough encouragement for me to "act appropriately".
The children already have a father/mother remember that, and another thing......it's none of their business who Mommy or Daddy are dating - they are just kids! Let them be kids!
bubbles
I agree with Bubbles. When BF comes over there is no affection in front of the kids. Even if they've caught on that he's my boyfriend, they don't need to see anything inappropriate. If I ever get engaged again, and they'll probably be dating by then, that is when it would be okay by my standards to show affection in front of them.
If you think your kids are ready then they are ready. To them it may be as simple as just someone who brings another kid over to play with.
Well I was considering her come over tonight and bring her young one for my son to play with. I keep the kids 80% of the time and when she's off work I have the kids. Makes it tough. I'll play it by ear and talk to her about it and explain the situation. My daughter seems like she wants me to meet someone and be happy. She is very mature for her age, but I know she is just a kid. She loves me very very much too. I am still confused though. I think you guys are right though, I may have to just tough it out. I'm in no hurry for anything right now anyways.
I agree to not introduce kids to a girlfriend/boyfriend. My ex already introduced a girlfriend to my daughter (6yr old) and spent all quality time together. I told him 3 tmes to not involved our daughter so soon as they just started dating. Everytime my daughter comes home to me after spending the weekend turn of her dad she will start mentioning to me what they did. It's crazy! My daughter still expect that me and her dad will still be together and don't even know how to explain it to her since she is already seeing other girl in her dad's life.
I have been separated for over a year. I have not found anyone worthy of meeting my 4 year old daughter yet, but her dad has introduced, let her become close to, and ripped her away from three people. The first girl was a married woman that had three kids of her own. Things didn't work out between her and my ex because she got pregnant by her husband and went back with him. The second girl was a very young girl that my daughter just loved! This third girl, who he's with now, my daughter likes, but doesn't really talk about much. When I say things to my ex about this he gets angry and says he's doing what any divorced parent does. I don't do this to her and I don't like that he does, but what can I do about it?
As much as it is important for you to see how she acts with your kids, it's also very important for you to protect your kids from the possible pain. If they meet too many girlfriends of yours it's not good.
My BF met my kids (6-year old twin boys) and they instantly fell in love with each other. We're in a long-distance relationship and the kids miss him. It created problems with their father too as he became jealous.
If we break up, I will have to deal with my kids coping and being devastated because of my lover.
To the person who said, "If you think your kids are ready then they are ready. To them it may be as simple as just someone who brings another kid over to play with."
This is just not the case; especially when the person pushing a significant-other on a child is usually the one who has initiated the split. Your kids will tell you when they are ready. My husband had "accidental play-dates" with this woman's kids; my son started suffering from migraines that we thought were seizures (2 days in the hospital; seizure medicine; night terrors, etc.) My son felt like he was keeping a secret from me and I never suspected a thing...... this is unacceptable. As soon as I knew everything; my son got better. Children want their parents to be happy; but we must put their personal happiness first.
I can't stand it when someone says, "If I am happy in my love life, my kids will be happy." This is a load of crap.
There are people who might say that the kids will never be ready. This is true - however, we as adults should give a child at least 2 years. I want my kids to get used to me - not someone else with me. I think that people who expose their children too soon are selfish.
My friends tell me I should get a "friend" who is a guy; expose the kids and see how he likes it. I would never do that because ultimately the children get hurt.
Divorce is upwards of 60%! - we are doing something wrong!!!
After a few years of being divorced, my father finally started to see other people again. I am twenty two and still live with my father, and my sixteen year-old sister also lives with us. The first time he started to see someone, he would just invite her over without consulting us. We did not like this at all.
Just half an hour ago my father decided to invite his new "friend" over, again without asking my sister or myself if we would be OK with it. He had the nerve to become irritated at me when I informed him that no, I would not go downstairs to meet "Donna", because I am not ready to meet "Donna". I do not understand why he cannot just tell us he is dating this woman, so you may know how older children, at least, feel about the "friend" idea.
Your daughter seems to be at an age where she can understand most of what is going on. I think you should be honest with her, and check to see if they shebe OK with meeting this woman you are dating. Your children have their own opinions and beliefs, and they have feelings that could be affected by this new situation.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
