I've been in a relationship with this girl for a year and a half. She is almost 20 and I almost 22. For the past month things have not been right. We are in college and I decided to go home for the weekend about a month ago. I wanted to go by myself so she stayed at school that weekend. When i came back she says she was sitting there in her room at her place and didn't know what to do with herself because I wasn't there. From then on out she has been trying to be more and more independent. Last week, she was like purposely trying to put space between us. She came over last wednesday before I was about to go home again, and she was real nice, saying I'm sorry I've been so mean... etc, we were intimate, she cooked for me, packed my bag for me, took me out to lunch the next day before i left, the whole nine. When I return on Saturday she comes over and breaks up with me! She says she needs time to figure out who she is and she needs to know that she can be independent. She has been in relationships for 5 years and she said that she has never just had time to be by herself, and figure out who she is, stand on her own two feet. She asked if i wanted my key back and i told her to hang on to it and know that she always has a place here. I mean, it does make sense and she was totally dependent on me, I know she loves me and cares about me but she said its just something she has to do. She said if she doesnt do it now, and she waits a few years down the road when we are engaged it would be even worse. she also said if things were meant to be, they will end up happening, and she hopes she can figure this out before its too late for us, and this is the best relationship she has ever had but she has to do this for herself because she is unhappy.
I asked her like a million times is it another guy? She assures me its not and its just something she has to do by herself and she needs to grow up, know that she can stand on her own two feet. I called her the first 2 days trying to tell her shes making the wrong decision and she is giving up something great. But its no use, all she says is that I have to do this and you calling analyzing everything isnt going to make her figure out anything faster.
I, since then, have cut off contact with her, I made a promise to myself not to send her another email, not to call her, and to just give her the time alone that she wanted. As hard as it was, I sent her a text telling her to please mail my key back.
I just want her back so bad and I was positive that she was the ONE for me. It just sucks because only time will tell with this. Please send your comments and advice. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through, I love her so much and I want her back, but she made it very clear that she was being selfish and she needed to do this alone. She said she needed to experience things on her own so she didnt have any regrets. She told me its nothing I did wrong, its just her and something she has to do for herself so she can be happy.
Thats just a nice way of saying she wants to break up. Sorry hunny. It happens. People break up and the only nice way to put it is in the way of a vague excuse. Move on and do not contact her. Thats THE worst thing you can do. If she wants her space give it to her. Don't call her, email, im, NOTHING! She'll step back and say "Wow, why hasn't he called" Then she'll call you to see what your up to. Basically to see if you moved on since you haven't called her. Believe all the NC threads. It works!
__________________
I want to be the one he looks at, then smiles and says to his friends--that's her...
The "I need space" line is never easy to hear. The reality is that you will probably never know why she is requesting some breathing room. Honestly, "I need space" often means without you in it. However, it does seem like she was being very upfront with you, and I wouldn't worry about it for awhile. You are doing the right thing by cutting off contact, and if things between you were solid before this period of not talking, she should periodically update you on what she is thinking. I don't mean to depress you, but my ex asked for space for very similar reasons last September, and I still haven't heard back from her.
What you need to do is get busy and try not to dwell on this. If things were going well before, she will come back to you when she is ready. Only the most heartless people would leave you hanging forever. I know this time will be tough, but you will make it through. Just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she's up to, because you will likely never know.
She's 20 .. I know plenty of girls who break up because they need to find themselves.. Even guys. At that age you're too young to know what freedom is and ... what it's really like to be truly on your own.. I think everyone needs time to be completely independent .. at least for a few years.. Don't take it personal....
Quote:
Just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she's up to, because you will likely never know.
Out of sight, out of mind.... It's better not to know.
You've done the right thing to go with no contact..
Its just so hard. Because up until this whole independence thing, our relationship was perfect. I think she really does feel like shes missing out on all the experiances and she doesn't want to have any regrets about how she didnt do something because she had a boyfriend. Its driving me nuts. they say "Absense makes the heart grow fonder". Maybe if i don't talk to her for a week or two she will begin to wonder what I am up to? I could just kick myself in the ass for calling her those first few days. I think she knows that she will not find a guy that treates her as good, understands her as well, loves her as much..
Truthfully, I said I loved her and all that before all this independence thing started but i never really realized how much i loved her until she started with the whole space thing. I'm just hoping me not contacting her will make her realize the same thing?
I really don't think its another guy, I mean not being cocky, but I don't know what she is going to see in another guy that she doesnt see in me. Ive analyzed it everyway i could, and i really do think that she just needs this independence. Maybe she feels smothered, or its too hard to balance out all the things she is trying to do with me there?
She found you now but everyone needs some time alone. Completely alone to figure out who they are and get things out of their system.
I had this episode too, I broke up with my guy because he was a jerk though and I took two years to myself. I wanted to make sure that I can be happy by myself and that I didn't have to depend on a guy.
I had the same thought your gf did one day. My "jerk" bf had left out of town for a week and I stayed home. I remember waking up and having no one to call, no one to hang out with, no where to go. I was like wtf????? From then on I knew that if things didnt work out with my man I needed to be alone for a longggg time. Things didn't work out so I took two years off of relationships and Those were the best two years of my life.
I don't think you should take what your gf said to heart, give her space, and then when and if she's ready if its meant to be she will come back.
__________________
The male brain is more compartmentalized than the female brain. Men can seperate things whereas women have a harder time cause their brains are all wired together in some inter-connected mish-mosh.
Originally posted by EC
I don't think you should take it personal.
She found you now but everyone needs some time alone. Completely alone to figure out who they are and get things out of their system.
I had this episode too, I broke up with my guy because he was a jerk though and I took two years to myself. I wanted to make sure that I can be happy by myself and that I didn't have to depend on a guy.
I had the same thought your gf did one day. My "jerk" bf had left out of town for a week and I stayed home. I remember waking up and having no one to call, no one to hang out with, no where to go. I was like wtf????? From then on I knew that if things didnt work out with my man I needed to be alone for a longggg time. Things didn't work out so I took two years off of relationships and Those were the best two years of my life.
I don't think you should take what your gf said to heart, give her space, and then when and if she's ready if its meant to be she will come back.
Well after breaking up with "jerk" the first year i really didn't want a relationship I was in "i hate guys" mode lol And then the second year i just kinda dated around nothing serious. I had fun discovering what I liked and didnt like in guys, what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship, until I met my now current bf and everything is Great so far.
I don't know what do to with myself now. Its all i can think about. I know that if i contact her it will push her away for sure. She said she needed me to understand this because if she is ever going to make me happy, she has to be happy with herself, and that i don't deserve to be treated the way i had been in the past few months. This is true, I don't need that crap, I'm just hoping that time apart will make her realize that she really does miss me and all that...
Is there a chance that this could happen and we get back together? Are we done forever? What do i say if she calls?
I am worrying myself sick about this, I am going down to Miami with a bunch of buddies for spring break tommorow. Our original plan was for me and her to go spend a quiet week at the beach . She was still talking about going down there and having a good time with me last weekend. But then just came over and broke up with me. I think she is going somewhere on spring break as well . I put a message up on my profile thing that said leaving for Miami tommorow for break.. so incase she saw it she wouldnt think i was just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and worrying about her. I'm just trying to be strong and give her all the independence she needs, I just don't want her to think im sitting her torturing myself (which i am).
I am worrying myself sick about this, I am going down to Miami with a bunch of buddies for spring break tommorow. Our original plan was for me and her to go spend a quiet week at the beach . She was still talking about going down there and having a good time with me last weekend. But then just came over and broke up with me. I think she is going somewhere on spring break as well . I put a message up on my profile thing that said leaving for Miami tommorow for break.. so incase she saw it she wouldnt think i was just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and worrying about her. I'm just trying to be strong and give her all the independence she needs, I just don't want her to think im sitting her torturing myself (which i am).
Your going to Miami!! LOL I am there..going to the beach tomorrow actually for spring break lots of Wet T shirt contests there to help you get over it!!! I'll find ya and buy ya some drinks!
But honestly calling her will probably push her away more. At least she is being honest with you instead of stringing you along and treating you badly.
If she does come back to you in a couple of months or weeks then good, hopefully thats all the time she needed. Its better she goes through this now then in the future when you are more serious.
Take this time for you too! Come here to Miami, have fun, its springbreak. Go out. Enjoy yourself. I mean theres no way to really deal with this, you just have to respect her decision and only time will tell. Dontcha hate ya don't have a crystal ball???
Man, I want her back so much, I want to call her and her tell me everything is ok. I know that if i call it will only make matters worse and probably push her away for good. I know she needs this independence and time away from relationships to find out who she is, but doesn't she miss me also. She would have to, she used to be soo madly in love with me but this independence and wanting to experiance things on her own has totally taken over her. I told her she could lose the best thing that ever happened to her and she said "its a risk i have to take" "I have to do this". How can one be willing to sacrafice love and a wonderful relationship just because they need independence? The worst thing about it is, she knows what a wonderful relationship it was, and she knows all the things I could offer her, all the love i could provide, but she made it clear that this was the most important thing in her life right now.
I know its not another guy, or atleast I think I know. I don't know what she would "trade up" to. I am pretty confident that I had everything to offer her and that noone else could offer more. She also reassured this. I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and risk losing a beautiful thing for independence. Maybe its so she won't have any regrets or so she won't have to do this a few years down the road when we are engaged? Maybe she is scared of the commitment and feels she needs to be on her own first to know she didn't miss anything before she got so serious?
I have never been dumped before, in all my relationships. This is also the first time I have been truly in love. The sad part is I didn't really realize it until she started pushing herself away from me.
Really though, I sit here and ask myself, why do i want to be with someone who has someone more important on their agenda than me? Why would I want to be with someone who put me on the back-burner? But i soon forget about all that and all i can think about is me missing her, missing the companionship, missing being intimate, hugs, kisses, I love yous. Knowing that she is there beside me at night.
Maybe I am just reading way too much into this and the girl just really does need her ***king independence. I am just going to stick to the NC rule and see what happens. If she bucks up and realizes that she loves me and misses me fine, even though even now it would be so hard for me to take her back. Maybe she needs to get all of this out of her system before she can really give me 100 percent like she used to. Or maybe things just weren't meant to be... I just hope its not the case.
You should both take ths time to find yourselves and find out what you would do without each other around. You can still have the same respect for yourself and for her and not sleep around, and if she feels the same way as you, she won't do this either.
Maybe you will end up together, and maybe you will each find happiness with someone new in a few years. I know it hurts right now, but better that you both take time off.
When I broke up after 4 yrs when I was 20 (he was 22) I ran around and partied and he stayed home and sulked for six months. We got back together for 2 yrs and I was ready to settle down. Him? He had to "find" himself and that was the end of that. I married someone else a few years later and he married someone else about ten years later (ha, took him that long to get over me).
Oh, and he found himself alright. He begged me to come back a few months after he dumped me.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
. She was still talking about going down there and having a good time with me last weekend. But then just came over and broke up with me. I think she is going somewhere on spring break as well 
Linear Mode
