My ex-MM recently has initiated alot of contact and discussion about wanting to re-establish a relationship with me, platonically, and that he would like our relationship to be public to satisfy my parameters that I will not be in a secret relationship with him. He has offered a "solution" in which he would tell his family, including his W, that he and I are in contact again (not that we had an affair) and that he would openly dine with me in his restaurant, see me occasionally for coffee, lunch, whatever, without lying about it, etc. I think this is beyond ridiculous, yet I have slipped a bit over the last few days and engaged in these conversations with him, and last night things got a bit strange and in a way, scary.
He also talks alot about wanting me in his life, that I am still his best friend, and that while he is sorry he can't offer more that he doesn't want to lose me from his life.
He has further communicated his fear that I am going to expose our A to his wife. He knows I have alot of resentment about our A and having been a secret, and also knows that my therapist(s) have recommended that by exposing our A I would be able to get "complete" with alot of the mess for myself emotionally. I have discussed this with him many times and told him I don't know what I will do - that I am not going to promise him it will never happen but that I also realize it would be hurtful to him, his W and family, and that this is a serious consideration for me. None of these conversations, FYI, have been an emotional outburst on my part, never have I presented it as a threat, nothing like that.
So, last night, he told me he has decided that he is going to tell his W about our A and that if I chose to contact her as well so be it, in that he's sure our stories will be basically the same. I never said I was going to contact her and I am not sure what he is doing, or why, how I feel, anything. I know this is vague but any help appreciated.
I may not be an OW or BS, but I have responded earlier to your post(s).
If MM is going to tell his wife about this second affair, there is nothing you can do to stop him. And also nothing to be gained by also telling his wife. It would lose its whole cathartic effect, if she already knew, because the secret already has been exposed.
Furthermore, and I know you consider this very seriously, if he is going to tell you cannot predict the consequences it will have on BS. She might see MM for what he is, but she might also want to take all out on you. Not good.
If he tells her of the second affair, you can forget about him, or any friendship whatsoever. She'd kill you and her husband if she would see you together again (might be an exaggeration, but you get the picture).
You don't have to tell her, and I would lay low for a while. Find the strength in yourself to heal of all what has happened to you. I know that sounds very hard, but telling BS of the affair would not have solved the issues you may have with yourself, even though you resented your secret status very much.
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Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths. - Molière
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Adorno
If he does feel threatened that you may tell the W, he just may beat you to the punch to save his own ass. You have to give some (but little) credit to the cheater for coming clean rather than having to hear it from someone else.
Honestly, how would you even know that MM told his wife about the A unless you talk to her directly? He could lie to you and say he told her (when he really didn't) just to prevent you from doing it.
If MM is going to tell his wife about this second affair, there is nothing you can do to stop him. And also nothing to be gained by also telling his wife. It would lose its whole cathartic effect, if she already knew, because the secret already has been exposed.
Furthermore, and I know you consider this very seriously, if he is going to tell you cannot predict the consequences it will have on BS. She might see MM for what he is, but she might also want to take all out on you. Not good.
If he tells her of the second affair, you can forget about him, or any friendship whatsoever. She'd kill you and her husband if she would see you together again (might be an exaggeration, but you get the picture).
You don't have to tell her, and I would lay low for a while. Find the strength in yourself to heal of all what has happened to you. I know that sounds very hard, but telling BS of the affair would not have solved the issues you may have with yourself, even though you resented your secret status very much.
Can't really add much more to this reply, it's got alot of depth to it. I agree 100% with everything d'Arthez has said too.
My thoughts...
Even if you both are 'friends' and the affair has stopped (sex part) there still is an ongoing emotional affair happening. Once an affair ends, like ANY relationship, both must not see/talk to eachother. Those feelings and all the hurts take a long time to go away, having the other person around, even casually is just going to pour salt in the wounds.
Don't fool yourself (or maybe he is?) by thinking that you both can be JUST friends. Sooner or later something will fire up and it will start all over again.
kkat,
firstly, do you still want to tell of the a? how do you think this would help you (i am genuinely interested)?
it seems that his offer of friendship is all about trying to "manage" you as you said before.
he is obviously terrified of you revealing all. the thing is do you really want to?
it seems a strange thing for your therapist to suggest if youdont mind me saying. i understand that part of the plight of the ow is the fact that she is a secret/we are a secret. but that is why we have to get out of the relationship along with all the other reasons it is no good for us. theres nothing to do now that can change the past and solve all. the only thing is to move on from the past and heal and take our lessons into the future with us. the way i see it is that all that would accomplish is to ensure that it is still heavily affecting the present, and for how long do you want this to be affecting you?
i would say to him, look i just want to move on and i suggest you do the same. it is too early for a friendship yet but maybe one day in the future when we have both resolved our issues to do with the a.
i think that the mm also have a proccess to go through with getting over the a, there are many stages and this is one of them. i dont think that this communication is going to help either one of you move on from this.
good luck in whatever you decide to do xx
in order to control the situation/you not tell'g his W about the affair - since you are not giving-in to the public friendship his fear of her knowing is just leading him to tell her - Do not be surprised if when she finds out he no longer has the need for you two being public "buddies" as his want for this was only initiated by his desire to keep the marriage semi-intact.
THIS IS JUST HOW I READ IT...
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~Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen~
The thing is, and I've told him this repeatedly, I have no active intentions of exposing the A. I understand, at least somewhat, where the therapist was coming from - I have been obsessed for a year with wanting the truth of the A to come out - and she helped me understand why, what that would accomplish for me, and that by exposing it, I would accomplish those things. That, for me, isn't enough to justify it one way or the other - and the big reason for that is that I don't hate this MM or certainly his wife or children - and I am a peaceful person and realize fully that by exposing his actions, even as a messenger, the results would be painful to these people.
So, to answer one question posed - no, I don't necessarily want to expose the A - as much as I wish it hadn't happened and that the facts were different - it's something I am struggling with and just don't know what to do. I'm just frustrated because I feel like as hard as I have tried and all the progress I have made I am not all the way free yet and I just want to be free. I am sure many of you can tell that somedays I feel stronger and closer to being "free" than others - and today I feel frustrated and mad at myself that I am not there yet.
I also agree that his main reason for this "public friendship" thing was to manage me and his fears that he would out me.
I have also reviewed last night's conversation in my head - and I realize that he said something significant last night and the other day that I skimmed right over. I think he wants his own guilt relieved and intends somehow, someday to tell his W and would like to conveniently blame that decision on me - he's making it out that I am about to tell so therefore he had to - when in fact that is just simply not the case. Bottom line - me saying I am so uncomfortable with the secret is not the same as me saying I'm going to tell the secret - and I have said this to him repeatedly but that's not what he's hearing.
i don't see why if you have no intention of a future relationship ,
why are you bothering to talk to him ?
why be friends ,it doesn't sound like you need that from him
i would get my closure with him,
keep up therapy, if he tells wifey ask him not to mention your name ,
&keep it movin (your life)
i'm with lynnered,
say to him what he decides to do is his buisiness and not to bring you into it as you just want to move on with your life.
and then have no further contact with him, if anything is stopping you from being completely free i'd say thats a major factor.
Great advice and I realize that this is obvious - I was doing pretty well with things and really enjoying - thriving - with NC. I started doing badly again and getting twisted over him three weeks ago when he started this "public friendship" campaign, then the dead dog thing, blah blah blah.
I am much better off without having contact with him, and that's the place I have to go back to. Thanks for setting me straight.
Needed that shove/fork in the eye perhaps.
You do have control over yourself, what you say, what you do and with whom you do it. You do not have control over him, what he says, and what he thinks.
I think you have to get to
NC...Not Caring.
Yes, he was your lover, maybe he was your friend. If you love(d) him and want the best for him and yourself, by ending this you will...
delete his phone number
delete his old emails
put a spam-blocker on any new emails that come in.
delete any new phone messages from him without listening to them.
NEVER allow him to be alone with you.
And if you do have to interact with him...
Tell him how proud you are that he is moving on with his life and remaining faithful to his wife.
Tell him how much better you are when you don't have contact from him.
Tell him that you appreciate his restraint, and know that he will have the strength to leave you alone because you know that he wants what is best for you.
And if he starts acting like he is best for you, pull up all of your old posts and if you have a diary re-read it. He is not what is best.
You, with a single mature man able to be both your best friend and your lover; possibly to be the father of your future children (if you want?)...that is what is best for you.
This guy would never be free of his past obligations...and the fact that you had an affair would make you poison to his wife, his friends, his family and most of all his children.
They might be nice to you on the surface...but you would know that deep-down they despised both you and him for your choices.
You don't sound that selfish....
An emotional affair is still an affair, it is cheating.
He is not going to tell his wife. He wants you to think that he will so that you can keep quiet. Put it like this...
When people are going to do something, they dont announce it. They just do it.
You on the other hand OP, I dont think that you really know what you want from this man. If you did, you would be a happy young woman.
Tell him how proud you are that he is moving on with his life and remaining faithful to his wife.
Tell him how much better you are when you don't have contact from him.
Tell him that you appreciate his restraint, and know that he will have the strength to leave you alone because you know that he wants what is best for you.
And if he starts acting like he is best for you, pull up all of your old posts and if you have a diary re-read it. He is not what is best.
You, with a single mature man able to be both your best friend and your lover; possibly to be the father of your future children (if you want?)...that is what is best for you.
This guy would never be free of his past obligations...and the fact that you had an affair would make you poison to his wife, his friends, his family and most of all his children.
They might be nice to you on the surface...but you would know that deep-down they despised both you and him for your choices.
You don't sound that selfish....
An emotional affair is still an affair, it is cheating.
Overly theatrical BS. (no offence)
Just cut out the drama-cut out HIM. I'm hoping you will gain a perverse sense of satisfaction by stopping all communication with him. Remember, he contacted YOU. Remember, and move on.
I can tell you right now that even if she does find out he had an A doesn't mean she'll kick him out of the house. Women, as W and OW can be so incredibly stupid sometimes.
One person's theatrics is just another person's emotions. Everyone has different ways of expressing themselves.
But no one other than the OW will ever really know how hard it is for a MM to just leave her alone...and no one else will be able to give him the positive feedback that will help him move on home.
I took this approach and both my ex MM and I left the affair and grew and healed...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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