Love is a lot of work and you need to find yourself someone willing to do the work with you. Those people are rare. It's not that love is a fairytale, but rather that people who think love is all you need to get you through life and relationships fail to understand that there's a lot more to successful relationships than that.
However, nothing is hopeless. There is always counselling.
Maybe you are right, there are those people who can fix things.
Then there are the ones who have been trying and get nowhere.
It is VERY HARD to find the perfect match and dedicate yourself for LIFE with this one person.
Especially, if the person doesnt speak to you like my husband...that's why i am here writing to strangers instead of laying in bed next to him at 1am on a Friday night.
Whoever said that marriage was happily ever after?
It is VERY HARD to find the perfect match and dedicate yourself for LIFE with this one person.
I don't think there is a perfect match. Imagine living with yourself for the rest of your lfie? I betcha you'd come up with lots of reasons why that would be a VERY HARD thing to do.
Who said it was going to be easy?
Quote:
from Moimeme
Love is a lot of work and you need to find yourself someone willing to do the work with you.
Precisely.
I don't know the history with you & your husband or how long you've been together. What I do know is that a live-in relationship doesn't just coast along happily free of impediments for year after year after year. You don't just wake up one day with everything in a right mess. You didn't have mad passionate unsolicted sex one day & then nothing the next.
Then there are the ones who have been trying and get nowhere
If two people marry, and there is nothing in the relationship but "romance, roses, and hearts throbbing with passion" then yes, in a few years after that inevitably fades - you'll wake up next to a stranger and have no idea why in the hell you married them. That stuff is nice, but there also has to be friendship and companionship that is separate from all the "gushy" stuff. And I mean real friendship where you can discuss anything and never have to be afraid that they will leave you for being yourself (frank and truthful). You have to love someone to marry them, but G_d help you if you don't objectively like them and enjoy non-romantic time with them as well. If you can't talk to them, and I mean talk to them like you would a best friend from whom you would hide nothing, then you have very little chance of making it.
Once the romance and passion fades, the thing that sustains it is a deeper sort of love - the love of companions who don't rely solely on "romance and passion" to function - its a nice bonus, but it doesn't drive the relationship. Marry a lover, and you'll be facing divorce shortly down the road - marry someone who is 'just a partner' and you'll end up with a legally binding roommate - but marry someone who is both, and can function as either/or comfortably and you have a companion for life.
I know you and your husband love each other, but do you actually like each other and enjoy spending time together? It doesn't sound like it. You'll have to find some way to build "like" instead of repair "love". The repair of "love" will come naturally as you build "like". Have you considered any marriage counseling to try to build up a level of "liking each other as people" and not just "loving someone because you are married to them"?
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
we dont like one another....he puts me down any chNCE HE GETS
I go get my hair done - he doesnt say a word when I return
I wanted to try acting and he said it would be a waste of time- as he did to when I tried to start a new career.
I dont think this can really work. I have been trying but he dont. We have an awful time when we go out. he doesnt even laugh or barely smile.
I am not ugly...I am sweet...........I just dont understand where this all fell.
Perhaps you should still think of seeing a counsellor, if for no other reason, than to sort out your feelings (both of you) and look at where to go next- even if that next step is to separate.
I am sorry you are feeling this way, and that things have come to this in your relationship.
I hope it works out the best for you, whatever the outcome. Just remember, even if your marriage ends, YOU will be ok.
There are no guarantees in marraige. I have someone who wants to marry me and we just met a month ago. I told him I want to give it time to make sure it is real. It feels really right but time tells all. I have never been married and am 32....so the idea scares me.
I am trying to look at the things that will matter in the future, like will he help out? How does it feel when we do nothing but just sit with each other? How do we communicate? Does he understand me and what I need? Can we make compromises for one another? And I am dismissing petty stuff like whether I like the way he dresses, or the fact he is losing his hair. Because I am no longer looking for a fling but a best friend to make me feel good all the time for decades to come.
I push myself to get used to a 6' 8" man in a full bed snoring sometimes next to me, finding time and energy in the week for him, trying to handle the insecurities he has, liking his friends and family for what they are and giving up certain things I have and adding certain things for him. The compromise is very hard for me and I am not the easiest person for compromise, but I am trying in hopes of what I want.
Unfortunately marraige has become a status symbol in society. It is no longer a "holy union". It is a roomate with prenuptial agreement to jump ship if we make mistakes. I just hope that if I get married it is forever and no prenuptial for me! Partly I haven't been because I am afraid of being hurt, because there are no guarantees. We can only go by our heart and sometimes that we lead us to something everlasting. My parents have been married for 45 years and I hope I can end up like them....
I have someone who wants to marry me and we just met a month ago.
Oh dear. That's now one of my biggest red flags You're a sensible sort so you'll not give in, I hope, until you've been with him a good long while. My theory on people who want to marry fast is that a lot of them are trying to rush you into being stuck with them before you find out where the major deal-breaker flaws are.
IMHO, you need to know someone at least a year before you think of marrying.
I have a great feeling about us. But your right, that would be crazy. There is no need to rush anything. I told him I do not want a ring within the first 6 months. That I am O.K with his feelings as long as he is O.K with me needing to go at my own pace.
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You're a sensible sort so you'll not give in, I hope, until you've been with him a good long while. My theory on people who want to marry fast is that a lot of them are trying to rush you into being stuck with them before you find out where the major deal-breaker flaws are. 
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