[digsy]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend that I was dating for a few months. I met her at a party and we hit it off so easily. I’m generally a reserved guy especially around women (my friends think otherwise), so it was very rare that I’d be having an engaging conversation with a gorgeous girl. We sat on a couch on the balcony and talked till the sun came up. We dated soon after.

She’s Norwegian and I’m Malaysian. She’s staying in Sydney whilst finishing off her uni degree. The cultural difference didn’t even come to mind, we just wanted see how it went and play it by ear so to speak. Her departure to Norway was inevitable but we didn’t think of that. Why deny ourselves the opportunity to be with each other and have a really good time just because she’s going back to Norway in 6 months. For all I know she could be the love of my life. The thought of what could have happened would’ve eaten at my conscience if we hadn't given it a go.

I was blown away because we got along so well. Not only was she beautiful, she has a good sense of cultural value, very understanding, motivated (which rubbed off on me) and funny. I thought to myself here’s this gorgeous Norwegian girl going out with this Asian dude. I must be doing something right. We did so much and were hardly away from each other. She met my family and I met hers, they were on holidays here for a months. A romantic get way for a few days was even on the agenda. Everything was peachy.

When she told me that we shouldn’t pursue the relationship any further I was taken aback. I had a gut feeling something was wrong because she became distant a few days before we broke up (if ever you guys feel something is not right save yourself the anxiety and ask her. Don’t leave it to the last minute). I think its only natural to blame yourself when something like this happens so that’s what I did. I feel I did to the best of my ability to make it work. She said it had nothing to do with me but a combination of things. She gave me obvious reasons like she’s going back to Norway and the difference in our cultures but I think Ill never know what it is. I was upset because she seemed a little misleading. The vibe she gave was that the relationship was going well. Boy did I cry a river. i guess i fell in love. She said she wanted to keep spending time with me as friends. As easy it is to say but its really hard to get back what you had when things were cool, no matter how hard you both try. Were still friends.

I enjoyed dating somebody of a different culture to me and I wouldn’t mind doing it again. I learned a lot about myself and the trials and tribulations of a relationship. You think you know yourself quite well but its amazing how being with someone can bring traits that you didn’t know existed. I didn’t regret a single moment with her.

cheers
digzy

[Meghead]

I read your post and it was lovely. I feel for you if you love this girl and now she is gone. My husband recently left me, although it wasn't for cultural differences. We were an inter-racial couple though. Mixed with Caribbean/British, Chinese and English, and we have children, so there's quite a mix there. I also found it very interesting as it was the first time I dated outside my race. I didn't deliberately stay within my race, but had never come across someone who wasn't the same colour as me who I wanted to date. Apart from my husband. It always hurts when a relationship breaks down. Me personally? I wouldn't be friends with someone whom you love, but doesn't love you enough to be in a relationship. Purely because I have done it in the past and it really hurts to see them dating someone else and then confiding in you, who is now their 'friend'. Every situation is different though and you need to do what's best for you.

Good luck.

[digsy]

Thanks Meghead

Im sorry to hear about your break-up. It must be really hard especially with children.
Youre right abouthow hard it is being friends with someone that you loved but didnt feel the same about you. I still talk to my ex but its not like it was before. I feel an air of tension whenever I see her. But it was only recently we broke up, just need to give some time i guess. My friends think I shouldnt talk to her and that im too nice, but lifes too short to be angry. I just think I'll find somebody that i will connect with when the time comes.

[Meghead]

There's an air of tension because your relationship has changed and it's difficult to switch so easily like that. I am friends with one of my ex's and I found that we had to have some time apart from each other first. Then broken hearts can heal etc. It was then possible to come back together and be friends in the true sense of the word. We talk about each other's partners now and everything is fine, there's nothing in it and nobody is getting hurt. My suggestion to you is that if you really want to be friends, I would find out why first. Was she really that good a friend? or can't you bear not to be in her life at all? You need to think with your head, not your heart and be strict with yourself. What can being her friend possibly give you? Anything positive? If you have other friends you can perhaps do without her. The ex that I am friends with, I was never in love with, so it was easy for me to switch. A different matter though for him. We had parted and then became friends a couple of years later. However, if I was in love with him, I would never have thought of wanting to be his friend, because like I said, I've done it before and nothing good comes from it. All that happens is that it takes longer for you to get over them. The feelings of love linger because you are still spending time with them, still seeing what you always loved about them, still laughing and having good times, and perhaps mis-reading simple signs as evidence that they are still in love with you too. You end up waiting for them to say they made a mistake in leaving you, and how they love you and want you back. In my situation, I ended up waiting for three years before I realised that he was defitnately not coming back. I'm not saying she won't come back, she very well may, but it has to be off her own back, no coaxing from you. You can't live your life on she may do this, or she may do that. You have to accept it's over and she doesn't love you anymore because this is what her actions are telling you. I wouldn't see her anymore if I were you. It gets in the way of you moving on.

My advice? I would do what my sister always calls 'blowing them out'. Which is basically, don't say anything to her about it, just allow yourself to drift away. See less and less of her until you don't see her at all. She doesn't love you if she broke up with you, so you need to think of yourself and look after your own heart, because she is looking after hers. Do what's right for you in order for you to get over her as quickly as possible, because a broken heart is no fun. In these occasions, your head must rule your heart in order to look after yourself.

I'm sorry! I really feel for you as I'm nursing a broken heart myself, but it's on the mend!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Meghead
My advice? I would do what my sister always calls 'blowing them out'. Which is basically, don't say anything to her about it, just allow yourself to drift away. See less and less of her until you don't see her at all.

I prefer going cold turkey vs. drifting away slowly. My method is more painful initially but I think the healing time is shorter overall and more complete.

Once someone has made it clear they don't want romance anymore it is best to stay away totally from them. And I don't recommend doing the "friends" thing either cause this prevents one from healing 100% and from moving on.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by alphamale
I prefer going cold turkey vs. drifting away slowly. My method is more painful initially but I think the healing time is shorter overall and more complete.

Once someone has made it clear they don't want romance anymore it is best to stay away totally from them. And I don't recommend doing the "friends" thing either cause this prevents one from healing 100% and from moving on.

I agree. Sometimes being friends is possible, but that comes later when you've accepted that it really is over & you're both cool with that. My experience has been that by then you discover that you don't really want or need to be friends anyway.