I am 4 weeks & counting. I haven't seen him, haven't seen his face, nothing. And it hurts. After telling me that for the last 10-20 years it's been ending, having me speak to other friends to verify that I wasn't the homewrecker, he went back to her.
He got an apt. then began having dreams about her. He evidently decided the dreams, which I believe to be "home sickness" were dreams that he really loves his wife. Well, perhaps the fool is me believing all those statements about "how bad it is at home". I said time and time again, "if it was that bad, you would have left a long time ago". But no- I stayed.
Anyway - through everything - he finally managed to say that he wanted to be with his wife and wanted to keep his life. I said you want me to go away? he said that would make it is easier. I said done. See you around.
It was the hardest moment of my life. I haven't spoken to him for almost 4 weeks (that conversation was on the phone). The thing is... I thought it would get easier. And I have gotten over the unbelievable agony of his not being here, it hurts sooooooooo much still. Why?
V-day and my b-day has come and gone w/out his response. Yes I do believe it's over but how do you move on from the MM?????? He dangles the most perfect carrot in front of you... they already know what women are looking for... they just don't want to be that emotionally avalable to their wives. If W knew what they were thinking, she would hold some mighty big cards, huh?
Anyway, I'm transgressing.... I'm looking for some help through this. Should I be posting on the coping forum? I just feel like the coping forum just doesn't cover what we go through w the MM. It's not the same.
Curly,
I maybe am not the best person to give you advice as I am the wife of a man who cheated.
Maintain your dignity, he has made his decision and do not let him waver back and forth. My husband made then decision to return home and we have been in counseling for 2 years. Sometimes it takes an affair for a couple to realize what was missing from their marriage.
He chose to return to his wife, now you must be strong and not let him back into your life.
You deserve more then being just a mistress!
Some men use women as a soundingboard when their marriages go through rough times and they enjoy the excitement of new sex, but then they finally see that what they really needed all along was to talk to their wives and they discover that the love is still there. That leaves the OW out in the cold.
I know of couples where the OW was brought back and forth into the picture, whenever the man was feeling that his marriage was in a rough spot he would start the affair again. The OW became an enabler, she allowed him to use her and was never given the faith and love she deserved in a relationship.
Stay strong and do not be the OW again, find a faithful man one who can devote his whole being to only you.
The pain will pass and it will be a learning process if you let it be, do not make the same mistake twice.
You have to believe that the pain you are feel'g is not a life-long pain - you are probably on the horizon of feel'g better than you have in a L O N G time.
Curly, I applaud your strength!!! You are amazing!!! If it was easy to end these relationships there would be no need for these types of forums - BUT YOU ARE DOING IT!!!
Another point...
MM go back to W not because they do not love us, or because that looks like the better situation -it is the known v. the unknown. Even when the "known" isn't a perfect place it is far easier to deal with than the fear of the unknown - I can't tell you how many times in my own life i've stayed in a particular place, job, relationship, whatever that wasn't satisfying due to fear of changing my situation - again, whatever that situation was (is).
Do not doubt that there was/is a certain amount of Love for you - perhaps ALOT OF LOVE - but fear is the biggest hurdle we as humans have the most difficulty overcoming - at least, that is my experience and i can only speak for myself - i am not an expert.
YOU GO GIRL W/YOUR BAD SELF!!!
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~Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen~
Wow Curly! You are so strong! Unbelievable! Good for you.
Many of us have been there and know how hard this is. And while you may not be able to conceive of this now, it will get easier. It will get better. You will be happier. You will be OK. Please, please keep believing this, any way you can.
I am dedicating my yoga practice to you today whereever you are.
curly as everyone here has stated, you are really strong
when i just read the post from TheFaithfulWife my blood went cold, i dont want to be that other woman the one that is just used, when really what the men want is the love from their wives the ones they truly love.
i dont want to be that and i know you dont want to be that, i know it is hard, just keep reading those posts and be glad that you are no longer that woman. those are the kind of posts that really kick you in the guts but they are the ones that let you know what you are REALLY missing
all the love in the universe to you
((hugs))
I'm sorry to say this.. but WHAT AN *SSHOLE! This is the part of your story where your girlfriends sit with you as you burn everything he ever gave you, and all his pictures.
Stay strong and try not to let the bitterness destroy you.
__________________
"Sometimes you just gotta get pissed" - me.
I've just been read'g some more of the posts and i just have to say that most of these MM when they go back to their wives are not happy there either!!! They are keeping up the facade (again, because they FEAR losing their security blanket!).
Let's face it. Most W's who have been treated like dirt, humiliated, etc., hold on to the fact that they have alot invested in their marriages - WHAT INVESTEMENT COMPARES TO SELF-RESPECT?
So, while your MM "plays" all is well and starts to dream about you - you will have the SELF-RESPECT you almost gave up - You could have been the woman played here but you decided ENOUGH! It doesn't matter who initiated it, it does matter that it is now your choice as well.
I'm not liking the encouraging posts from the other side - "you go girl, you deserve better" in other words, "pls. leave my husband alone!" - this is just my opiniion - i wish EVERYONE happiness!!
I appreciate everyone's advice. Even from the "other side." Hurts a bit to hear it, but then again, I have no way of knowing if his situation is that he's happy to be back and working on making the marriage better. For all I know, she really never knew anything about me and had no idea that he had left. His lies were very, very good.
Anyway, I'm trying to move on but it is difficult. I don't wake up every morning thinking about him like I used to when we were together. Now it takes a couple of minutes to realize that my world is upside down. But hopefully, those few minutes will turn into more than a few and eventually maybe an hour will go by without thinking about him. It is the not knowing that kills me. Is he happy? Does he think about me? Did he think about me on my b-day? Does he want to talk to me? Very destructive thoughts because my only answer at this point is no, he does not want to talk to me, doesn't want to see me. It's a tough lesson to learn.
And in some ways, I'm lucky. The affair lasted for 8 months. I can't even imagine spending years hoping he would be mine someday. Guess I may have made it out in the nick of time. Doesn't feel like it now, though. Feels like the freight train ran over me about 50 times in the last 8 months. At least the train is no longer running over me. It just sucks to retreat back into hiding and lick your wounds.
I know that this is not a forever pain. But it could be a long time before I'm able to trust again. Before I even want to share myself with anyone. No matter what, there are scars I have to deal with. He's part of my past and I will find a way to pick up the pieces of my heart.
Missing him so much is what kills me. We became such good friends. Spoke many times a day for hours. But then I think, what am I missing? The anxiety, the insecurity, the lies...? He created an illusion of himself that doesn't really exist. I miss that man. Hopefully, one day I'll find that one for real. The man who is committed to me and wants to do anything to make me happy. Then, he can go beat the MM up for me Just kidding....
Again, thanks for your encouragement. Nice to know others have gone through this firestorm and survived.
Hi Curly. First of all, you are doing very well. It is normal for it to still hurt after 4 weeks. In the first few weeks, you will be going through the physical withdrawals of the relationship. Then you will began the emotional withdrawals. So I would say in another four weeks, you will start to feel better. I know it sounds like a long time but it's not. Just keep going through the process and realize that it's OK to still feel hurt. Just don't go back no matter what!!!! Cry if you have to cry. Stay in bed all day and sleep if you fee like it. Unplug your phone. Or go out and get drunk. Eat some sweets (not too many you don't want to gain weight) :0). Treat yourself like a baby at this time. Whatever you need to do to heal, make sure you do it.
He will try to come back right at the time you think you are almost over him. That one ounce feeling you had left for him will blow up to a whole gallon when he decides to call you and tell you he misses you.
Expect all of this. That way you will not fall for it. He's the type of MM that likes to go back and forth. Once he gets comfortable with the W again, he will call you.
If you like to read. A book that truly helped me was Iyanla Vanzant's "In the Meantime". Also I read "He's just not that into you". That's a good book too. It lets you know that he's just not that into you and he's just not that into his wife either. It gives you both sides. He's just into feeling comfortable and he likes to be taken care of. His wife already proved that she will stay with him no matter what. He could cheat o her or commit a serious crime and become a serial killer. She will still be there to take care of him. She's a complete doormat for him (in most cases but not all). He can always come back. That's the way I see it. If i was married and my H cheated on me "once", I am sorry I wouldn't give him a second chance. It just shows him that he can get away with it. He would never know what he lost. I dumped a boyfriend who cheated on me one time. I never went back no matter how much he begged. So I know for a fact I wouldn't hang around. More power to the women who can deal with it though. My self-esteem was at stake and I figure losing him was much better than losing my self-esteem.
The reason I went out with an MM was because I already knew he was a cheating a*&hole. I didn't have to find out the hard way. But then I knew I wasn't respecting myself when I went that route either. I thought being the OW would be easier to deal with. It's not. My self-esteem was still at stake. So anyone who says he's commited in anyway can just keep walking as far as I am concerned. I learned how it feels to deal with both. Now I know what my limitations are. I can't have anyone treating me bad in any way!!!!
You now know what you will deal with. You are stronger now. Even if it hurts, you are stronger!!!! Be glad you went four weeks without a word to him. You should buy yourself something nice for coming this far.
So keep your self-respect and know all your limitations. Your MM crossed your limitation line. So don't ever give him the opportunity to come back and cross it again. If you do, then you will become the doormat mistress that he can treat like crap and keep coming back to along with his W.
Originally posted by curly
V-day and my b-day has come and gone w/out his response. Yes I do believe it's over but how do you move on from the MM?????? He dangles the most perfect carrot in front of you... they already know what women are looking for... they just don't want to be that emotionally avalable to their wives. If W knew what they were thinking, she would hold some mighty big cards, huh?
Curly, you just put into words something I didn't quite realize. They do dangle in front of us, just what we want at the time. Sometimes people find it hard to be emotionally available to people who are directly in our lives. I remember ex-MM telling me that "he's told me things he's never told his wife, etc..." because he could never be that emotionally open with her, it was much harder. But yet, marriage is marriage and those who really value their vows and whose lives aren't that bad with them, have no other alternative than to work it out. Otherwise, the grass could/would always be greener.
It's such a complex issue. There is no one answer that suits all. We only know from our own experiences and perhaps, to a certain extent, what we tell ourselves. There is never a full picture available to us because of the situation. But thank you Curly for giving me some valuable insight.
I just wanted to state that I do not have an alterior motive, no I am not telling you to stay away from anyones husband.
I have had a chance to talk to the OW who was involved with my husband, she was actually not a bad person, not the person that I imagined at all.
She was just someone who was having difficulties with her bf and found something in my husband that attracted her.
I am a person who has a hard time holding a grudge, I must admit I wanted to scratch her eyes out at the Time , But I have always tried to see both parties perspectives.
Life is too short to go around angry all the time, and if I had not made the effort to speak to her, I would have been hating her forever deep inside.
I knew I would have to see her on occasion as we are in the same scouting district.
We made our peace.
Now would I consider letting My husband and her stay in the same campsite without me or one of my son's supervision? hell no! lol
When I first posted on here I was angry and hurt and I did some mean things to hurt both her and my husband. I actually regret a few of them .... but not all
I must admit in one post to guy whose wife was suspected of cheating, I even sided with her.
Yeah I got a few people on my case about it.
I can only judge by my own situtation and what our counselor has told me about others.
ah what the hey faithful wife, if you cant be honest on here where can ya?
this should be the one place you are honest so you dont go losing you dignity everywhere else. i must accept that i was used completely and utterly in the situation, man if i dont i might go an do it again eh?
Yeah, that's the word that keeps coming up in my mind. I feel so used. The MM used me to boost his ego, (yes, mine needed boosting too, but who's doesnt?), used me as a sounding board to b*tch about his marriage, take out his mid-life crisis on (his oldest son his 5 yrs. younger than me), etc...........
Ad Nauseum....
But he still took me down with it. I think about the revenge I could get. But unfortunately, I would have to go down with him in the process (admitting an A w/ a MM, not the most highly rated person in society). ie: work...
But I want him to pay somehow. I feel like crap and I don't have any idea if he hurts at all. I want him to hurt like I do. Every day, there's this hollow echo in my head, heart, soul... that misses him... even though he's a lying, cheating as*hole, adulterer, bastard. He got in under the radar. Made his way under my skin and now I'm heartbroken.
By the way, I don't think I ever mentioned a couple of things... My father has terminal cancer which has matastisized (moved into) his brain, which makes him completely different from the "daddy" I could always count on and talk to about anything. Hr's very confused and his mind is gone... Very hard to deal with.
And the MM asked me to marry him on 3 seperate occasions, one of which is by email (which of course I have saved in case of emergency - Monica Lewinski-esque). He could become a major player in a city near you (public transportation top dog - but trying not give too much away) But then again, if I have anything to say about it, he won't get far from where he is now. Luckily, I have connections in top seats as well. ----- Yes, the revenge / hate factor rears it's ugly head.
To The Faithful Wife - I don't have any problem with your advice. I appreciate it. But I must say that it's easier to see the situation from the outside and know it's wrong and just end it. It's easier said than done. I just had a conversation today with a girlfriend who has been dealing w/ me & MM and another girlfriend seeing a MM. She swears that she would never do it. I told her to "never say never." Honestly I know there are soooooo many women on this forum that swore prior to this situation that they never would got involved with anyone even remotely connected to someone else. But somehow, it happened... he calls, then you call back to say stop, the conversation turns, you entertain it (yes, that's where you should stop, but can you?????), and then eventually it starts...... Again, no offense, but you truly can't understand until you walk in those shoes...
I feel for you and your situation. I have been married and continue to have a relationship with XH (Physical and emotional) and I can't imagine the heartache you have gone through. But as weird and callous as it might sound, I really don't care about the the W. I don't know her, don't have any connection to her and never made any promises or vows to her. He did and that's his situation. I've been divorced and understand what it's like to make vows and then go back on them to make life better. That's how I look at it. If his situation were such that he could not stay, then so be it.... Evidently, that's not the case. So I I have to live with that.
Originally posted by curly
To The Faithful Wife - I don't have any problem with your advice. I appreciate it. But I must say that it's easier to see the situation from the outside and know it's wrong and just end it. It's easier said than done. I just had a conversation today with a girlfriend who has been dealing w/ me & MM and another girlfriend seeing a MM. She swears that she would never do it. I told her to "never say never." Honestly I know there are soooooo many women on this forum that swore prior to this situation that they never would got involved with anyone even remotely connected to someone else. But somehow, it happened... he calls, then you call back to say stop, the conversation turns, you entertain it (yes, that's where you should stop, but can you?????), and then eventually it starts...... Again, no offense, but you truly can't understand until you walk in those shoes...
I feel for you and your situation. I have been married and continue to have a relationship with XH (Physical and emotional) and I can't imagine the heartache you have gone through. But as weird and callous as it might sound, I really don't care about the the W. I don't know her, don't have any connection to her and never made any promises or vows to her. He did and that's his situation. I've been divorced and understand what it's like to make vows and then go back on them to make life better. That's how I look at it. If his situation were such that he could not stay, then so be it.... Evidently, that's not the case. So I I have to live with that.
I am rambling..... so I'm going to close.....
Curly, did I tell you how much you rock?? lol. Love your posts. You take the words right outta my mind. No one knows until they've walked a mile in our shoes. I'm getting to the point in my life where I really don't care what other people think who don't understand me. And i used to be one of those people who tried to explain or justify my mistakes and actions. Fu(k it. You live and learn. Can't please 'em all.
Seriously, I never in my wildest dreams wanted to date a MM. Didn't even know he was married for a very LONG time at first. He was military and, and I fell for it. N e how, that's neither here nor there. I still fell for him and still went through ALL the feelings that an OW goes through. Heartwrenching. I am still recovering even though on most days I can say it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I worry that I will never fall in love again.
I have dated tons. I have met tons of guys. None have done anything for me. So, I'm on this board searching for some perspective and answers. Anyways, I'm rambling now.
Just wanted to thank you Curly for your posts. You're great! Glad to know I'm not the only one with these feelings.
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4 weeks...NC
Just kidding....
, But I have always tried to see both parties perspectives.
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