[Evanescence]

Hi

My boyfriend of 5 and a half years broke up with me a year ago. We both ended up dating other people, and now we are looking to get back together. Right now we are just "seeing" each other, but we are pretty sure that we will end up back as a couple.

Here's the thing. My dad never really liked him. My ex is 24, and a server at a restuarant. The last few years he has been trying to get on the firefighting department (and will actually be going to school for it come this fall), and he is also a landlord (he ownes 4 townhomes and use to own another house). He is very succesful for a guy of his age, but my dad doesn't see it that way. This is how my dad sees it. My ex didn't go to school RIGHT after highschool. RIGHT NOW, he is a server and my dad does not consider that a good job. He thinks that my ex is going to stay in the restuarant business as a server forever. He doesn't see the fact that he has been trying to get on the fire department, and that he plans on going to school in the fall. And he doesn't see that the money that he makes at the restuarant is disposable income because the money he makes off of his rental property pays all of his bills. On top of that, the break up last year really broke me heart. I'm still seeing a therapist because of how hard I took the break up. However, I don't find that an excuse for my dad to hate my ex, because he did the same thing to my mom when they were dating. His bottom line excuse for hating my ex is "He does not have a good career".... stupid reason.

Anyway, I'm home for my week break from school (i go to school 2 hrs away), and i was looking forward to a nice week with no worries. I told my mom two months ago about me and my ex, and i just recently told my dad about it. The first day back, i went out to my ex's house. My dad gave me this big speech as i headed out the door about how crazy i am for doing this. then after i left, the real action happened. My dad went on to my mom saying that he will never allow my ex back into our house, and if we ever get married he won't go to the wedding. My mom came back to him with "If you ever do that, I'll leave you." He took this as a direct attack towards him, and got upset with my mom for "taking my side". She said that i'm not against you, i'm just sticking up for my daughter. if this makes her happy then i'm in for it. she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. plus, i want to see my grandchildren, if you behave that way, i know it will interferre with us having a proper relationship with her and our grandchildren... i won't allow you to do that" He got very upset with her and said that he now has a "different view on their marriage". Ever since then, they have been staying on opposite floors of the house. My dad stays upstairs on the computer, and my mom downstairs watching TV. They still sleep in the same bed, but they don't talk to each other. My dad is being INCREDIBLY immature.

What I can't understand is why can't my dad just accept who I'm with. He doesn't like any of the guys I date. He comes up with reasons to hate everyone he knows. The reason he didn't like the last guy I dated? Cuz he had a slight limp. I never noticed it, but my dad did... if there is one it is probably because he had surgery on a tumor in his leg a few years ago. Anyway, it is an incredibly stupid reason to not like someone. But the story of my dad's life is that he doesn't like himself, he doesn't like his family, his co workers, his job... he has no friends... he hates life... and he has to bring it down on everyone, and make everyone's life misrable.

Luckily, after telling my ex about my dad and what he had said, he just said that "it is unfortunate, but he doesn't care. if we want to be together, we'll be together, and he won't let my dad's stubbornness ruin that".

Anyway, what do I do? I can't talk to my dad about it because he doesn't listen. I was thinking once I get back to school of writing my dad an email... being civil and respectful, but telling him my view on the issue. This way I can get everything out and not be interrupted or influenced by him or any yelling that may occur. And he can write back if he wants.

I just hate this. I want my dad to accept me and my decsions. He doesn't have to like the person I date, just accept it. And he won't. And he is ruining my life because of it. What do I do?

[bluechocolate]

.....if this makes her happy then i'm in for it. she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions.

She's got that right.

And he is ruining my life because of it. What do I do?

How exactly is he ruining your life? You are an adult (see above) & capable of making your own decisions - so decide that he is not going to ruin your life. You don't have to have his acceptance & he doesn't have to give it to you. Sure life would be better if he did, but as you said, he seems to hate everyone you go out with. This is his problem, not yours. And whatever is going on between him & his wife - my advice to you would be to stay out of it. In this instance I would say he's only using "you" as an excuse to create friction with your mother.

Has he always been this controlling?

".......if we want to be together, we'll be together, and he won't let my dad's stubbornness ruin that".

That is the attitude you need to adopt. As long as you let this bother you your father will still be exercising control in this matter & in your life. It will be sad, but he may just end up being a lonely old man & you musn't take the blame for that.

Write the letter & then close the issue with him. It's your life - not his.