one sided affection, can anyone help me!?!?

jd69 · 24th February 2005, 12:51 AM

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so me and my girlfriend have been friends for a little over a year and we started going out about a month ago. before we started dating we agreed to always be friends no matter what. i also knew that she wasnt a very affectionet person (i am, everyone says i treat her like a princess) and i didnt think it would bug me but it does because she says she cares about me but she never shows it. she also has issues when it comes to getting close to people, but im still head over heals for her and she gets me like no one else ever has. but the lack of affection really starts to get to me now. so if any of u guys could help me figure out how to make her open up help me or if u just have some advice that would help to. thanks.

Merin · 24th February 2005, 12:54 AM

The sucky thing is.. even when people say they will always be friends.. sometimes it's true.. but uh.. a lot of times it just doesn't go that way..

BUT I digress..

If the lack of her showing you she cares about you bugs on you, then you need to tell her.

EVERYONE has some issue or another ya know? She isn't the exception.. so talk to her let her know you understand that she has some fear in getting close but you're not going any where..

Good Luck

jd69 · 24th February 2005, 1:04 AM

i have told her that it starting to get to me and she said shes always been like that and i was kinda hoping it might change. and about the letting her know im not going any where thing her best friend isnt all the way in with her and theve been friends for over six years. she just has this really independent personality, do you think that could have anything to do with it?

Merin · 24th February 2005, 1:10 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by jd69
i have told her that it starting to get to me and she said shes always been like that and i was kinda hoping it might change. and about the letting her know im not going any where thing her best friend isnt all the way in with her and theve been friends for over six years. she just has this really independent personality, do you think that could have anything to do with it?

Having an "Independant Personality" doesn't mean you don't ever show affection for the person you're with..
My BF is "Independant" hell.. I'm "Independant"

I think whats tripping me up here now is this.. you have told her this is something that bothers you and from what you've said instead of saying "I didn't know this bothered you, I've always been this way.. BUT I'm WILLING to make this better for you" all you got was this is the way i've always been :

eriod::

Seems IMO rather selfish..

BOTH people should be getting thier needs met in a relationship.. and if one person isn't and lets the other know that.. then yeah.. it needs to be fixed and worked on.. not dismissed because "thats how i've always been"

jd69 · 24th February 2005, 1:21 AM

i told her it bugged me and she said shes always been that way in a sort of "thats the way ive always been and i dont think it will change anytime soon". and thats what bugs me is that she doesnt seem to want to put in effort to try and change. i meen she told me she didnt like it when i smoked (i did on occasion before we went out) so i stopped with no regrets because i had her, she didnt want me to be cool about her having guy friens and i am as long as long as shes cool with my chick friends. i also used to be a big flirt(even when i was in other relationships) but now i dont because i care about her so much shes the only girl on my mind.

Merin · 24th February 2005, 1:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by jd69
i told her it bugged me and she said shes always been that way in a sort of "thats the way ive always been and i dont think it will change anytime soon". and thats what bugs me is that she doesnt seem to want to put in effort to try and change. i meen she told me she didnt like it when i smoked (i did on occasion before we went out) so i stopped with no regrets because i had her, she didnt want me to be cool about her having guy friens and i am as long as long as shes cool with my chick friends. i also used to be a big flirt(even when i was in other relationships) but now i dont because i care about her so much shes the only girl on my mind.

Again Jd.. IMO this isn't okay.

This seems very one sided all the way around.. YOU'RE the ONLY one here making changes to make her happy and while it's nice that you want to do that for her.. it CAN'T be all about her all of the time.

westernxer · 24th February 2005, 1:47 AM

Girlfriend - affection = friend.

Is she an 18th century puritan? Maybe she just needs to thaw out from her past. Like you said, you're head over heels, so maybe you won't mind putting up with this for the rest of your life.

I'd recommend a little booze to loosen her up... maybe that's the trick. Other than that it's hopeless.

glitter-gal · 24th February 2005, 12:47 PM

Let's hope getting her drunk doesn't totally squash her respect & trust in you...

You know I hate to say it, I had this guy who would take me out and spend tons of money on me, take me shopping etc. & was totally in love with me but I just was never attracted to him like that.... So I told him the same things (it sounds like) that your girl is telling you. Of course I didn't want him to stop taking me places and buying me things and I didn't want a relationship with anyone at the time.

Don't get me wrong, we were GREAT friends, we could talk about ANYTHING!!! That spark was just not there for me... and when I found someone I fell head over heels for I finally told him, much to his dismay,... I really hurt his feelings and I will always feel bad about it but I can't change how immature and selfish I was back then either....

westernxer · 24th February 2005, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Let's hope getting her drunk doesn't totally squash her respect & trust in you...

I was just being sarcastic. Other than that I think your advice is solid, and it seems you've gained wisdom from your experiences. Most people choose not to. Sadly.

Rock on, glitter!