I know there's been many threads about bad boys v. good guys, but I have to throw my current experience into the pot. I started dating this guy a couple weeks ago. I totally liked him. He was sweet as hell, complimenting, proud to be with me, affectionate, and sent me a dozen roses on V Day.
As of today, I am compeltely freaking out and spooked from feeling smothered. He doesn't stop doting on me, damnit. I hear I'm beautiful 10 times in one conversation, and I feel like he's got me high up on this pedestal that's really gonna hurt when I fall. It's bordering on the line of feeling like I'm his temple.
He's not doing anything "wrong," in fact, he's still real sweet, but isn't there a point where enough is enough and you act like a women's equal rather than this complete lucky guy, who now that he's met me never wants to let me go??? After only two weeks??
I'm getting completely turned off and feel like running away. I have a date with him tonight, and I do plan on telling him to slow way the f*ck down. I don't want a guy that's going to be mean to me like the X was, but isn't there a middle ground around here? Seems like men are either rotten or too nice. I want a partner, not a puppy nipping at my heels.
Wow...Yeah being told you're beautiful 10 times is abit much...He is a nice guy and probably head over heels inlove with you - A real romantic.
Be gentle, and just say hey, I know we are doing great but let's have some fun and not get so musy so fast. It's nice once in a while but honestly I'm feeling abit uncomfy with it...I'm not used to it and maybe let's just not say that stuff all the time...See how he is then and how he reacts to what you say.
Originally posted by Lonestar
but isn't there a middle ground around here? Seems like men are either rotten or too nice. I want a partner, not a puppy nipping at my heels.
yes, there is a middle ground LONESTAR. it is called giving intermittently. guys like this dude you describe are so desperate it is pathetic. some women are like this also and they relly piss the hell outta me.
moderation in everything is my motto. i play hard to get and like women to chase me. when they are with me and we are out I treat her like a queen, you know all the window dressing stuff, hold doors open, nice restaurants, sweet talk, all that krap. but then i won't call them for 2 wks after. shyt like that. give some then hold back, etc...
many guys don't understand this. they funny thing is that i can now spot a "nice guy" just by observing him for 5 minutes. don't even need to talk to him.
Lonestar, in my (bizarre and devastating) experience, "nice" is mostly spelled D-A-N-G-E-R.
And I don't mean the stalker/psycho danger, either. I'm talking danger of a more insidious and destructive kind.
My ex-fiance (long gone these 8 months) was almost precisely as you describe your conquest. After the eccentric, attention-deficient-disordered, megalomaniac I had been dating before him, his gentleness and thoughtfulness was wonderful. He told me I was beautiful, he called me every evening and multiple times on the weekends we weren't together (he lived 250 miles away) and never came to me empty-handed. Every time I saw him, he had a gift for me.
He cooked for me and wrote songs for and about me. He supported me in my life's goals and nurtured my dreams. He fell in love with me "on sight" and told me that he loved me less than 48 hours after our first date. He wanted to get married after knowing me approximately 6 weeks. Red flag? Not to me. My ex husband had wanted to marry me just as soon and his love turned out to be so durable that, 8 years after our divorce, he still feels the same! I had no reason to believe that just because a guy moves a little too fast that he wasn't sincere.
Still, I told him to slow it way down. Think. Wait. Relax. Chill. I even asked him, "Do you fall in love with and want to marry every woman you meet?" I was assured most emphatically that he didn't. He pushed ahead with the engagement. He made plans to move to be with me. He asked me to look at engagement rings and to let him buy one after 10 months together. Ten days later, he called me at work to dump me because he didn't want me to eventually divorce him! WTF?!?!
Now, eight months later and oh, so much wiser, I still have yet to date because this is the second guy to crawl all over me one minute and then, when I have agreed to become serious with him, has left me with no explanation. All things being equal, I loved this man. The minute I trusted him, he kicked me unceremoniously in the ass. This man who used to call me 6 - 7 times on Saturdays and Sundays has now not spoken one word to me in 8 months. And I was the love of his life?!
I realize that your situation is probably a bit different in that you feel spooked and smothered. I actually didn't feel all that smothered because, as I said, in contrast to the walking, talking emotional black hole I was involved with before him, it was nice to have someone who gave a damn whether I was alive or dead.
But I can agree that, somewhere, somehow, in some capacity, there may be something dreadfully wrong with this man which will come out in some unpleasant way further down the line. My ex always talked about how "lucky" he was to have me, but it didn't prevent him from gutting me from stem to stern when he decided to leave.
I think you have a good attitude in recognizing that there's something fishy here to begin with. My guess is that, if he follows the trend of the "nice guys" I've had in my life, he will only be "nice" up to a point and then will walk on you and it won't necessarily have anything to do with you or how you interact with him. You're a temple goddess, you're not a woman, a human being with real feelings. You'll be worshipped one day and then your statue will be toppled the next and he'll move on to another cult.
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When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.
— Chief Aupumut (1725), Mohican
yes, there is a middle ground LONESTAR. it is called giving intermittently. guys like this dude you describe are so desperate it is pathetic. some women are like this also and they relly piss the hell outta me.
Exactly. I love when a man compliments me and such, but it should be done intermittently as opposed to every friggin minute or never. A lot of men and women are desperate to get into a relationship, and start acting like this, thinking that if they smother the one they like with attention, everyone will live happily ever after. I'm terrified of jumping into a relationship right now after what I went through with my "second chance" with the X.
I was close to actually sleeping with this guy, but now I'm terrified to let go and have some fun b/c if I do, he might be at my door the next day with a ring. Lord, help me! LOL. I'm thoroughly surprised at the velocity that he's moving with me. He works in a nightclub, so he meets a lot of women. It's not as though he can't get women (and lots of young girls too), but as far as he's concerned, I am the one and I can't get away.
We get along great outside of this crap. If he doesn't stop, he's going to send me running for my life. He's already talking about sleeping over and taking me on vacation.
in contrast to the walking, talking emotional black hole I was involved with before him, it was nice to have someone who gave a damn whether I was alive or dead.
This is exactly why I was attracted to him to begin with. The contrast between him and my ex was incredible and I got sucked right in. I just thought that maybe it would die down a bit by now, but it's only escalating. I swear I thought he wanted to tell me the other night that he was falling in love with me. He did throw the word "love" around in a different context, but I ignored it.
Quote:
You're a temple goddess, you're not a woman, a human being with real feelings. You'll be worshipped one day and then your statue will be toppled the next and he'll move on to another cult.
Damn, girl! Nice vivid use of words there. Think I'll put some version of that in my sig line...
I have been this guy on occasion. Enthusiastic, enamored, fully committed. However, the shelf life of this behavior is limited and quickly turns from sweet to overbearing, or in severe cases, dangerous. The good news is that this isn't a bad thing on the surface because he has good intentions. I'm sure if you tell him you want to slow down, he will understand. Sometimes guys just need to be told what the speed limit is on the highway of love. If after talking to him he doesn't hit the brakes some, then I would call it off.
since it's only been two weeks... go ahead and break up with him now... this way he's not too emotionally attached... and then in a month when you see him with someone else... you can come back here and post a new thread called "Why can't I meet a nice guy?" Like every other woman out there who doesn't like the 'nice guy' j/k
You should just have a talk with him... tell him to slow down like you had mentioned... If you distant yourself from him, then he'll just get more needy and clingy and really turn you off.
Last edited by DinNJ; 18th February 2005 at 2:46 PM..
Talking things over is ALWAYS the best answer. If he's mature about talking about this, you may be able to tack on some brownie points. Lots of guys don't like being told to slow down, but the decent ones will respect your wishes.
since it's only been two weeks... go ahead and break up with him now... this way he's not too emotionally attached... and then in a month when you see him with someone else... you can come back here and post a new thread called "Why can't I meet a nice guy?" Like every other woman out there who doesn't like the 'nice guy'
Maybe so, but there's nice guys and then there's overbearing, attention drowning people that scream "I need someone" It's a turn off.
What is it with you and the creepy looking babies? haha
I would tell him that you think he's a great guy after knowing him for two weeks but you don't want to rush into everything and ask if he could slow things down a little bit. If he's normal he'll slow down his affection.
I'm a hopeless romantic. In fact sometimes I'll even say those three little words! Sure I'll tell a lady she's beautiful, but the 10x a day, (exaggerating?) may be a bit much. You could look at it this way, He might be smitten! It's a lot of fun to be smitten.
But somehow you've got to cool his jets or like the apparent consensus on this thread seems to be, he could break bad. REAL bad. Like this guy in the midwest I "know"
Try using a "no thanks" kinda thing on the next few offers, Try telling him HOW you;'d like to be loved. Like "You know I really like it when every once in awhile you do X,Y, or Z..": x = leave me the hell alone sometimes, Y, shut your yap with all the compliments boy-o. and Z = stop licking the ground I drag my feet across, you'll get a plantar's wart on your toungue. Do you think I want to suck on a toungue with wart on it?
told you I was a romantic.
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She's a Goddess. My job is to F.U.C.K. the Goddess.
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Life is not bad. watching life slip away from you IS bad. Don't do that. -rble
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There's nothing about that that's in good taste. - israfil
Sure I'll tell a lady she's beautiful, but the 10x a day, (exaggerating?) may be a bit much.
Totally NOT exagerating, and it's 10 times in one conversation, not per day. I can't count how many times per day ROFL. I heard it three times alone in a telephone call today. It's not like he just comes out and says "you're beautiful" over and over (although he does say it that way too). He seems to always find a way to fit it into the conversation in some way.
Yeah, I do understand that he is smitten, and probably going a little overboard. That's why I'm still going out with him tonight. I'm hoping that we can have a little talk and he'll chill out a bit. He's a nice enough guy to give him that chance.
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Nice is sometimes dangerous
Think I'll put some version of that in my sig line...
j/k
It's a lot of fun to be smitten. 
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