Is he just not that into me or do I give him his cave space?
The Problem: boyfriend makes excuses to not talk about our future in terms of engagement and marriage.
His excuses: I'm tired, I'm busy, you are pressuring me, it wouldn't be a surprise if I propose to you now, it would be better if I proposed to you if I wanted to, not because you asked me to do that. I'm just getting used to being single and dating again.
Background: together 7 months, 5 of those committed; I broke up with him years ago because of his infidelity with nurses (we are both doctors).
My ex-fiance left me for a green-card digger. His wife divorced him after 7 months of marriage because she did not get along with his mother.
His mother hated me because I was not caucasian; she likes me now because I treat them all better than his ex-wife.
The problems:
-he gets calls from all these women, and he does not answer the phone in front of me for fear of "upsetting" me (upset me years ago!). He says by not answering the phone, these women will get the message and not call him anymore.
-He still secretly talks to his aggressive ex-wife, who now wants to get back together with him. ofcourse, his parents don't know about this. I found out from friends that she is actually dating someone else and playing him; I told him, he says that "she's a really wonderful person...I don't think we can get back together, I don't feel so guilty now".
-He limits our phone calls to 2-3 minutes tops before cutting me off and saying he has to go, so no chance of discussing our future.
-I have been accepted for a mediocre job at another geographic location, decision time is this weekend, so I tried using that as leverage to get him to discuss our future with me for weeks, otherwise I move on without him. He says: " that is your choice, but I want you to stay...so that we can progress in our relationship". "I want you to stay, that should be enough for now".
I tell him that is not enough; I want a sign of faith (engagement) that we are fully committed and it is worth it for me to stay at my current mediocre job that is close to him.
-He will not have sexual contact with me saying that he does not want to be accused of "taking advantage" of me or getting me pregnant.
-we are both 36 years old.
My response: I have used my will power to stop my pursuit behavior by rarely calling him. read "He's just not that into you", "Men are from Mars", gone through therapy for years, taken mood medications, tried to keep myself busy. Requested that he talk to me about the future of our relationship when he has time and he is ready. Tried dating other people. Own a support group website about infidelity. Have a sad hope that he will come around if I do give him the time that he needs...no word on how long.
His response: I love you, I think you are the best woman for me, no woman loves me like you do, my family likes you of all the women I've been with, I don't know what's wrong with me.
My denial: Now I just would like him to either cut me loose and give me closure. He does not want to do this. and I'm having a hard time doing that on my own due to a sad little hope that he will make "the commitment".
Is he just not that into me, or am I supposed to give him his cave space. I am dying a slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow death.
Re: Is he just not that into me or do I give him his cave space?
Quote:
Originally posted by loveshock
-He will not have sexual contact with me saying that he does not want to be accused of "taking advantage" of me or getting me pregnant.
I am dying a slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow death.
Ok - everything sounded quasi commitment-phobic normal guy behaviour until I read the sexual contact thing. I find that is VERY strange, esp. considering your SO's age and educational background.
That said, I think you have inflicted this slow death upon yourself. The decision is entirely in your hands. It is up to you whether or not you want to stay with the person who will not entirely commit to you, emotionally and sexually.
First, I recommend backing off with the nagging. This will only serve counter to your purposes.
Then, I suggest setting a time limit for yourself. In "x" months, if I do not feel emotionally fulfilled or "a" "b", & "c" needs are not met, I will leave the relationship." Set some limits for yourself emotionally and chronologically. You are worth it.
there IS a deadline: my deadline is *gulp* this weekend, as the contract was supposed to be signed and returned by this sunday.
He's at a medical meeting right now presenting his research, so ofcourse blah blah, he doesn't have time to talk to me about it until he returns on sunday before valentine's day. right. He'll be too exhausted to talk to me, and he will be with his parents, and probably secretly calling his ex-wife to confirm that she is dating another doctor. she's a doc too. I tell you, the culture of medicine can be sickening. (I know I'm going to hear back about that one, but hey, I'm living through it and watched all my friends go through it)
on the sexual contact thing: he has admittedly F@#$ed OTHER women right before I came back into his life, and he claims that he can just leave them the next morning to go play golf and not have to worry about them clinging to him. like who is he trying to kid? these women use sex as a weapon to try to grab a meal ticket, and he just one ups them by using them. now that I think of it, I'm pretty nastified by that. he claims that he doesn't want to hurt me...sounds suspiciously like he's not into me...literally ha ha huhhhhhh. He enjoys holding me, cuddling with me, eating in bed, playing golf with me, playing music with me...hot damn, I'm his buddy! No he is not gay. In fact, he can be a man whore with all these other women. Just not getting freaky with me!
you are right, I can choose to get the frick out. I'm still terrified of being alone after all the s@#t I've been through in relationships. I'm working on that co-dependency issue.
what good is he? hmmm...he looks good. turns women's heads. After dating ugly men with ugly personalities, I'm now into dating hot guys with not so hot personalities. better tradeoff. he would make a great dad, lousy husband. when he does get freaky, he makes sure I'm happy, but he won't go all the way himself. makes me feel physically good than emotionally baaad. he's highly educated. I need to think some more.
Originally posted by loveshcok
I tell you, the culture of medicine can be sickening. (I know I'm going to hear back about that one, but hey, I'm living through it and watched all my friends go through it)
Been there; done that. Never again. No more physicians! Yeah, the educational aspect of it is appealing, but doctors have the least scruples of any professional population I have ever know, including lawyers! Hey! You've been through the whole f*ucked up pedagogy. You should know better, doc.
Quote:
what good is he? hmmm...he looks good. turns women's heads. After dating ugly men with ugly personalities, I'm now into dating hot guys with not so hot personalities. better tradeoff. he would make a great dad, lousy husband. when he does get freaky, he makes sure I'm happy, but he won't go all the way himself. makes me feel physically good than emotionally baaad. he's highly educated. I need to think some more.
Just read what you wrote (above) over and over again.
There is no more thinking to be done. Get out. Move on. Sign the contract. Take back your life.
You're trying to make him choose over a self described "mediocre" job? Maybe its just me, but where I'm from mediocre means bad, crappy job that barely scraps the bottom of the barrel. If this is the case, he knows it and probably thinks you're bluffing.
As for the no sex thing, he probably is afraid that you'll get pregnant. There are people out there that try to bond their SO to them in a bad situation by having a baby. Even in their mid-30s (It's not just teens). He could be seeing this (probably, falsely) in you. And to alot of guys, having kids when they don't want them is just like a marriage they don't want.
Oh, and I agree, stop the nagging, it's been 7 months. I know you feel that because of what you had before you can fast forward the relationship to engagement and marriage, but you just can't. If anything, there is more to work out in this relationship then a new relationship, not less. Would you consider marrying someone new in seven months? Probably not. Relax, you both have gotten out of failed relationship and have alot to work through individually and together.
But, and I saved this for last, if you have real suscipions that he's cheating on you, you have to face up to reality. He's done it before and if he's doing it now, he's won't quit even if you got married. This should be the deal breaker if it is true.
yah, ironically, I didn't want to ruin this second chance.
but I did some of that with "pressuring" and asking where things were heading perhaps prematurely. 7 months isn't really that long come to think of it. Especially for a man that is afraid of committing...to ME.
It is true that the right and true answers are really in front of us; it is the matter of acceptance. When the news is something we don't really want to hear, it is so difficult to accept. Perhaps peace will come to my heart and mind once I work through to acceptance. In the meantime, it hurts like hell and feels scarey to move on to the unknown.
I tried unsuccessfully to convince him that knowing each other for 11 years and dating for the first four of those years were enough for us to know that we know each other well enough for a life-long commitment; in addition, I fantasized that with a divorce under his belt and many unmeaningful relationships, he would regret ever losing me in the first place due to his infidelity and want to make this opportunity to work out. ofcourse, this was a concoction of my own mind.
This man is capable of commitment and love...but not to me... because he did that for his recent ex-wife; frankly I was shocked that this player ever got married in the first place. He always has to be the MAN in every subsequent meaningless relationship, but this woman he finally committed to was actually really aggressive; he truly was in love with her...he even had plastic surgery for her. what led to their ultimate demise was her inability to accept his mother. good story.
he called me right before his wedding day and told me that he wasn't sure that he was doing the right thing because they didn't get along, and during his marriage, he would call me every single time he and his wife would argue about going to their in-law's place.
In reviewing the messages, I know I have to cut the cord to this relationship, but it is so damn painful. I keep fantasizing that he will come around on sunday and say: I do love you so very much and need you in my life...please be with me.
hah, stuff that movies are made of. I'll let you know what actually happens.
Loveshock, I know it hurts but you are doing the right thing. Once you have cut the metaphorical cord, try No Contact. It really works. (See Lost Guide To No Contact threads by lost_in_chgo)
The first weeks will suck, and then you will grow to realize that you are awesome and deserve someone who is madly in love with you.
Israfil, big huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu g
to you. thanks for the link, but more for your encouragement. it is great.
he did call me last night, sunday after he got back from his meeting.
I took a friend's advice and said to him: "I love you and I want to be with you; you need to take time out for yourself and work on whatever issues are preventing you from having a healthy, committed relationship; when you work things out in your mind, and are a happy and whole person, you can find me and give me a call; If I am available... if I have not moved on with my life with someone else, we can talk".
Then plan for N/C.
Well....he counters with: "yah, I just wanted to tell you, IT'S JUST NOT THERE....I don't want to be unfair to you, you deserve to be happy. I just feel I need more time to develop my feelings for you, you when you brought up the 'where is this relationship going' and that you are leaving, I feel really pressured. I love you; there is not other woman I want to be with. can't you just give us more time to develop the feelings that you want. It's only been 7 months, and things were going so well".
I ask: "what does IT'S JUST NOT THERE mean? What does IT mean?"
he says: "what you want....the poems...the romance...the passion...it needs to develop with time. you are rushing it...that's why I can't be intimate with you. we are like a couple that's been together for years and are comfortable with each other. I know you want the romance. maybe if you set it up for me to feel happy, I can be romantic".
I say: "yah, like if you don't feel it now, it's not going to descend upon you like the mother ship UFO of close encounters of the third kind...anyway, I can't make you happy, only you can make yourself happy".
He says: "I love only you; I'm committed only to you. I don't want to be with anyone else".
I feel my heart grow cold and break in a hundred thousand pieces. I walk around today cold and numb. I watch silently as many women in our office get roses, candy, flowers, and cards from their significant others.
He spent all night holding me in his arms. Telling me he loves me. No intimacy. This morning as he leaves for work, he tells me he will call me from the hospital; He is on-call tonight and wednesday night. He asks me to come see him tonight (he lives in another town 30 minutes away). I hand him a simple valentine's card that I pen: I hope you find love and happiness someday. So far, no call.
Yes, I feel that all consuming sense of loss. I know what I must do. I feel the anxiety and the weight on my shoulder. I cry the last bit of tears I can. I feel exhausted. I feel all hope draining away, like the last bit of blood and life slipping away...It is Valentine's Day. This was mine.....
2 days after valentines day, I did a drive by to his house, and caught him with a woman he met off of Match.com.
He had told me that he was on call....
We had a high speed chase.
I screamed: You told me you loved me!
He screamed back with her in the car: Get the hell away from me you psycho!
He told her that I was his psycho ex-girlfriend.
He proceeded to call me 20 times the next week to get back together with me after I decided to NC.
7 months later, we have gotten back together, but he has still been unable to commit.
I am leaving for a new job in the Southwest without him.
Wish me luck.
I dated a doctor....he was also on Match.com....and an *********. He always avoided the marriage talk...even after a year. So what did he do? He left me for another RICH doctor who lives in another state (so he doesn't have to put EFFORT and TIME into the relationship...it allows him to remain non-committal). I'm so glad he left me, because now I am free to find happiness....and I have...with a man who is not afraid to put in the time, effort and discuss commitment with me and ONLY me. You deserve to have the kind of partner that you want, and the kind of love and relationship that you want. Don't settle for any less.
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