[lifestyle1]

I had already bought the valentine gift prior to the breakup- hell I'll just eat the candy myself.

Well We have been broken up since Fri 6 days. I saw him yesterday, he called for a favor. I was ok. I feel ok today. I have my kids this weekend (the break-up weekend I was alone).
my X-Husband left a Valentine stuffed animal for me- which makes me feel great - like somebody thought about me.

i said I would call X bf (verbal abuser) after a week. I still dont feel ready to talk.
Why? to say things he doesnt care about? he's not going to change.

the kids will be here fri-Mon off of school so i have no private time to speak privately at home vs the telephone.

I mostly feel today that with a VA man, it is his intrepretation of feelings and emotions that causes havoc in relationships _ And noT me.

he always felt i was the enemy instead of an ally
I had to prove and remind him of my loyalty
he alwasy justified his bad behavior and never apologized
he witheld love & affection if he was not in the mood to give it.


I dont know if I should explain all of this to him (I doubt he cares) or just say

1) I need more time
2) it's not going to change - so let's both move on.

[WantanS4]

HA... i've been charged with that....

Before you pass sentencing... think of this.... Did you provoke him to do that? What did you do that send him to the dark side and be nasty? What changed in either your life or his that took him to that point? And be honest with yourself. I know I got to that point where I wanted her to feel miserable because she lacked consistency... and had too much emtional immaturity.......... see men... when pushed to limits, they bite back, whereas women.. they just shutdown and purge it all in hopes they're 'forget' about it... instead of work through it.

Maybe that doesn't help... but at least it might make you think...........

sorry about valentine's day.......... heck i'm in debat of whether or not to send her at least a card........... i probably won't.... just because she'll probably think i'm forcing it........................ tick-tock... time is running out.

[JoL]

Originally posted by WantanS4
HA... i've been charged with that....

Before you pass sentencing... think of this.... Did you provoke him to do that? What did you do that send him to the dark side and be nasty? What changed in either your life or his that took him to that point? And be honest with yourself. I know I got to that point where I wanted her to feel miserable because she lacked consistency... and had too much emtional immaturity.......... see men... when pushed to limits, they bite back, whereas women.. they just shutdown and purge it all in hopes they're 'forget' about it... instead of work through it.

That is SO NOT TRUE. In fact that gets my blood boling...!!!!!!!!!!! And I should know.

I was in a relationship with a verbally and emotionally abusive guy for a year. I was called every name under the sun, blamed for things when I didn't even know what I done wrong, threatened, told I was the worst person on the face of the earth, I was selfish, horrible, evil..because maybe I didnt give him the EXACT compliment he wanted, because his friend talked to me and he didnt like it, because I couldn't go and visit him at work because of family commitments....things that a NORMAL HEALTHY person would be able to DEAL with without calling me a stupid c_nt, whore, bitch, telling me he was going to come to my house and tell my parents about our sex life in intimate detail (sicko), running after me into the street and raising a fist at my as I try to walk away from ANOTHER fight. Grabbing me by the arm and hair and simulating oral sex on himself while I cry my freakin eyes out, spitting at me...oh this is just SOME of the delightful behaviour i put up with.

And you think that is something IIIII provoked in him? He had treated every girlfriend before me with the same disdain and disgust..he was a controlling, abusive bastard. I didnt MAKE him like that- he already WAS like that- I just had to tolerate it because it was directed at ME.

I have never had a man treat me in such a way before..all my previous boyfriends and i would argue at times- sure- who doesnt? BUT in a healthy and constructive way.

A REAL man doesnt need to call his girlfriend names and try to threaten her to get results- a REAL man will be able to discuss his emotions and anger in a healthy and mature way. A REAL man doesnt need to "make" his girlfriend miserable to get satisfaction- HELL a normal human being doesnt go around trying to hurt people- that's just screwed up.

Unfortunately, abusers live in a warped little world where their perceptions of reality and the perceptions of reality by everyone else are VERY different.

I have had guys do PLENTY of hurtful things to me- I have gotten angry, I have confronted them- but NEVER IN MY LIFE have I resorted to abuse, manipulation, control, insults, or downright nasty behaviour- and neither has the majority of grown men that I know.

If you honestly believe she "pushed" him into becoming nasty and abusive then you yourself have some serious issues regarding boundaries and appropriate behaviour.
The way a person reacts is distinctive of their own characteristics- a person who is abusive and controlling is this way NO MATTER what..even if she hasn't done anything that a NORMAL HEALTHY person can see as being wrong.

[WantanS4]

WOOO WOOO!! SLOW DOWN... see that's a prime example of verbally emotionally abusive!!!!

I'm sorry about all that you had to go through!!

I was never like that... what I would do is get upset and ask her things such as "Why the hell won't you say anything??" (and that's probably as bad as it got) when we fought. She would just hunker down and gosh it was like trying to talk to a 4 year old... do you realize how frustrating that is? Here I am... spilling my guts out... and all I get from her is ".................................."

So I guess I wasn't abusive???????

All I'm saying is that, from my experience, she has no idea what an unhealthy relationship is, has no idea what abusive means (i.e. an example like yours) and I got to boot because of all this.... which get my blood boiling.

I know you know, and please believe me when I whole-heartedly give you my most sincerest of apologies JoL...........

so now you know lifestlye1........ now you know both sides of the coin..........

[CurvyGurl]

People CHOOSE to be nasty and react adversely to things. A negative reaction is one thing. Verbal abuse is another. Even if she said something that upset him, that's no reason to be abusive. Your post is a pile of doo doo. And yes I CHOSE to be nasty.

[lifestyle1]

Thanks for the post and the support. As you have noticed I didnt even respond to this post, because IT WAS SO TOTALY - OFF THE CUFF. This guy doesn't know what he is talking about. I wonder what even brought him to the site?

Sounds like you have (guy) ?? yourself if you verbally abused your x-Gf BEcause you swore at her.

That is childish and immature. You were frustrated and acting out, but w/o knowing more of what you did to her, called her etc. it sounds like you were just frustrated.

So let me inform you about this- before you post such a stupid response again.
ANYONE that speaks to you in a degrading, manipulative, demeaning way is being verbally abused. And we women, didn't have to PROVOKE them to get that reaction.

VA men are typically self absorbed, narcisstic emtionally immature people. They lash out and vent their rage and anger at others with little or no remorse. They threaten, manipulate or pose ultimatums- and generally have a POWER OVER their partner.

The recipient is often shocked, shamed , humiliated, emabarassed and totally confused, leaving her wondering what did she do, to get such a reaction. Until she regains some sense of SELF will she question, and put a stop to this merry-go-round.

Some choose to leave the relationship.
I try to teach my on-again off-again BF in the hopes of enlightenmight.
CHANGE only occurrs if the person desires CHANGE.
WHAT i DO KNOW FOR SURE- Is that we teach people how to treat us.
I will not permit BF or anyone to speak to me in a manner deemed offensive. If you are out of control. I will diengage, hang-up, walk out until you are calm.

Most of us who are here and post and respond to posts are looking for support, because admitting that we are involved or were involved in such a relationship is deeply shameful, and not something we readily admit to friends, peers, or parents.

[lifestyle1]

wah hoo- power to the people!!
you get it, you validate me- you had me at hello
It feels so good to be understood

[WantanS4]

Never criticize a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

Should we stop now or keep going?

We don't know of lifestyles1's abusive man's reactions... we don't know enough..... what I'm simply doing is attempting to give the poor bastard (even if he is the devil himself, he deserves simpathy for being a jacka$$) a little room for arguement. I wasn't trying to defend the guy... you get what you deserve...... hence should we keep going or stop now???

Here's the thing about women... they're ultra-sensitive.. they think with their hearts.... NOT THAT THERE"S ANYTHIGN WRONG WITH THAT!!!!.... in fact.. its what makes them gracious......

I'm sorry if I offend any of you women out there..... but let's try to work somthing out here.......not bash each other........

[lifestyle1]

Just because women are more sensitive doesnt make them suspeptible for "getting what they deserve"

Nobody - including you- deserves bad behavior from anybody..
a co-worker, a friend, a child, your lover.

It is poor self esteem that allows us to accept this behavior.

A healthy relationship where people are angry, have confrontations, and discuss- have outcomes that are hopeful.

Unhealthy realtionships are hopeless about the future.

That is the tell-tale sign - I beleive in a relationship survivor.

[WantanS4]

No no... again.. you misunderstood... i'm saying HE got what he deserved... he lost you.............

But if he's anything like JoL's former... he deserves a lot more..........

I think the only reason our relationship was unhealthy, was because of her lack of opening herself up...... hence... after a while... i stopped loving her........ and over time loved her less and less and less ...... and then i got to the point where i loved her... but wasn't willing to go that extra mile to 'make it all better'......... and then she took my "COME ON NOW... GIVE ME SOME HELP HERE!" remarks as abusive.............

[CoolAunt]

Having read the whole thread and caught up, I wanna' say: Everyone chill!

Lifstyle, when I saw Wantan's response to you, my first thought was that had you continued your story in your initial thread, Wantan wouldn't have missed all of the details that you shared earlier. He responded with very little information to go on. To his credit, he did ask if you were sure that you were verbally abused rather than stating right off that you weren't.

On the other hand, my second thought about Wantan's response was, "what the he!! is his problem? woman hater?" Then, he shared some details about his relationship and I can see how he could come up with his initial view. Btw, Wantan, I say that YOU were emotionally abused by that girl because cutting a partner out and refusing to communicate with them is a form of emotionaly abuse.

So, let's stop fighting...unless, of course, it keeps both of you away from the abusers that you've left or are trying to get away from, in which case: Ding! (that's the starting bell for the next round.)

Cool Aunt

[JoL]

I can understand your frustration Wantan, dealing with an emotional child is NOT easy- that's for sure! Im sorry if we started a fight here, but the issue touches a really raw nerve, one which has only been healing for a month and a half for me.

I think people like lifestyle and myself who have experienced abusive relationships know that it is not a light-hearted issue- and there no room for arguement in our mind because it takes months, YEARS sometimes for an abused person to come to gather the strength to leave such a horrible relationship.

Honestly, leaving an abusive guy was one of the hardest things i have ever done..manipulation, control and scare-tactics are the golden tools of an abuser. Im not saying you were trying to lighten the issue, i think perhaps there was some misunderstandings but i admit, it upsets me when people say abusers need to be better understood..if they arent willing to get intensive, long-term psychotherapy and counselling then I have no sympathy for their behaviour...AT ALL.

Im sure you had to deal with a lot yourself Wantan, an emotionally shut-down girlfriend and one who doesnt want to communicate- sounds like she is a bit of a wreck. It would be frustrating being with someone like that..no doubt!

[moimeme]

and then she took my "COME ON NOW... GIVE ME SOME HELP HERE!" remarks as abusive.............

Well, if she felt you were trying to force her to do what you wanted her to do, then yes, she may have been justified in her feeling. The abuser in my life wanted to force me to listen to him when he was off on a raging fit. I wanted us to go to separate rooms and cool down. He grabbed my wrist to force me to stay. And that, too, is abuse. The worst thing you can do in the middle of an argument is try to force someone else to do your bidding.

[JoL]

I agree with moimeme...good point! it can be taken as abuse when someone forces you to listen to their rants and rages...even if she wants to leave the room and you arent letting her.

My ex was the same, he would tell me to leave..TELL ME..and then if i tried to go he would SCREAM AND RAGE AND YELL about how im walking out on him and i dont care..etc..etc..

If other parts of your behaviour are/were controlling, manipulative or really emotionally warped then perhaps she has a point.

ON the othe rhand..If you got upset in the heat of the moment said to her ONCE come on give me some help here..well, she might have been upset by it, but i would hardly say it is hardly intentionally trying to control her actions or behaviour...or behave in an abusive fashion.

It's hard to say..All i know is, if someone tells you that you are being abusive, perhaps it is a good idea to take a good hard look at the ENTIRE picture- i.e. all of your behaviour ..do you swear at her? throw things? scream at her? threaten her? get overly jealous? control her actions and behaviour? withhold affection or attention as punishment? blame her for all your problems? tell her she isnt validated in what shes feeling?

These are classic abuser-traits..im not saying you are! but since you were called abusive, it is good to figure out whether that was an off-hand remark from your ex or something that needs further attention.

[WantanS4]

you know...whenI think about it... every now and again.... i realize that the thing i did wrong was......... to care.............. to actually attempt to work things out...............

when we argued.... i should have just dropped everything and left for good. In a way I spoiled her by trying everything i could in my power to 'make it all better'.............. and now that i think of it..... she wasn't worth it............... honestly, this day in age.... there are very few people worth giving a hoot over.............

sad...... take for example this thread..... i came on here with the intent of..."hey... open your mind up a little...." and not "OH YOU WOMAN ARE ALL THE SAME"............ no............... but see what happens??? those you have felt/had to deal with such a situation, they're already predisposed to react to even the littlest hint(again, that wasn't what i was trying to say) of the possibility of opening their minds.......... sad............... very sad............... no wonder relationships/marriages last barely 2 years these days....................

watch...... i'm gonna get flammed for this.......