Do any of you find your MM to be highly possessive of you? I have not started a physical one with my MM yet....but he is showing a controlling side to him that I just don't understand. He goes home to his wife, yet throws jealous fits if he sees me talking to another guy, or if I make weekend plans with my friends. He has no right to even ask me what I do on my time is how I feel?
Do any of you experience this??

[Owl]

Well, I'm not another OM/OW, but I can relate some of what happened during my wife's affair. In her case, the OM was getting jealous of her...not only related to me, but how she interacted with ANY other guys!!

Honestly, it floored me when I read that in their chat logs. How could this guy accuse her of talking with other guys and flirting...given what all HE was doing with her (MY WIFE!!!)?

Bottom line is this...if a guy "thinks" that you are "his"...he's likely to be jealous...totally regardless as to whether or not that makes any kind of logical sense.

it was a little like this at first, before ANYTHING even started
i was quite scared
i think they get more jealous and possessive because they KNOW they dont have a right to expect loyalty from you

[tiki]

Yeah, I've seen it happen. They don't want you talking to anyone else, they want you all to themselves. But they can give all of *themselves*.

[whichwayisup]

You haven't done anything 'yet'...So don't do anything.

Remember this with your MM...It is always about him him and more him. Not you. His needs, his feelings, his desires, his availability to you, his convienance, his control, and again HIM.

Not implying he doesn't have feelings for you, obviously he does. Just do some thinking if this is all worth it. Is he worth your heartache and your pain? Can you picture yourself being always second/third/fourth in his life??

Men get jealous just let women do. He actually really has no right to be jealous considering he's MARRIED and goes home to his WIFE everynight...It's his EGO and self centered this is all about me attitude that is hurt, not really his heart. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh or belittle what goes on between you two, but reading so many posts/threads about all this makes me see what you're heading for!!

yes get out NOW

[Merin]

Exactly as Tiki said..

Regardless if someone is Married (and it's not to you) or not.. this type of behaviour is a HUGE RED FLAG.

I was with a guy just like this.. he "seemed" to REALLY CARE about me.. played it off that he was just *concerned* for me.. truth is he didn't want me to have ANY friends (Male or Female) he would throw fits IF I made any plans to go out with friends and if I went out, he would blow my phone up all night making it impossible to have a good time out..

He would accuse, and question me constantly, and he often told me I *belonged* to him..

All I can tell you is this type of behaviour (in my experience) WILL NOT get better.

End the thing you've got going on with this guy now for more reasons than one (he's married, and it's not to you) END this one also because he's got a lot of control issues that could become abusive.

[Leaf]

Thats kinda freaky. My MM has never done that .. in a year and a half.. not once.

[Mr Spock]

Mine does, all the time. Constantly asks/accuses me. I think it's mental conditioning....so we feel grateful he's so attracted to us we accept any bullshi*t he tosses our way.

Please don't boink this guy.

[Zoot]

Originally posted by TLC2005
...but he is showing a controlling side to him that I just don't understand.

Why would this surprise you? The entire MM relationship is about control. He has it all and you have nothing. WHY? Not because you don't love him - but because he doesn't love you in the same way back. You are only part of an emotional harem. See it any differently and his ridiculous jealously is the least of your problems. PLEASE don't mistake it for love. It's only a very cruel delusion.
I'm not passing judgement. I'm only telling you the truth - from experience.

[joodee]

An MM getting jealouse! Yep, been there....

Mine won't do anything about his "separated" status, and is very jealous when I talk to other guys, have other male friends (and I have many due to the industry I work in). He's the really sick part: when I found out he had another girlfriend on the side, she e-mailed me and spilled the beans, and said that HE would get jealous whenever she talked or went out with other guys...he was jealous even though she knew about me....

I think MM's are very sick in the head...and they will do ANYTHING or say ANYTHING to keep you in so they don't have to deal with their insecurities. It's like they are painting a picture-perfect world for their ego and needs.

I am once again starting NC with mine...I suggest you do the same, get out....save yourself all the time that will sucked into reassuring him and taking blame for stuff you are not even responsible for....

Ok, was wondering if this was a common trait.
I have not started anything physical with him...with the exception of a few handshakes at work...But I think I will need to go back into the no-contact and try to limit any interaction with him.

[nextel]

I guess MM control in different ways......

I know a girl that is dating a MM. Their agreement is that, while they are having sex: she is not to have sex with anyone else and he has told her that should there comes a time when she wants to have sex with other me, then she should let him know.

So I said to her...but you can use condoms with other men. She said that, at the time she thought that it was fair. Naturally, I said to her....if he has sex with his wife (whether its once a week or month or whatever), what right does he have to ask you not to have sex with someone else? So with valentines day around the corner, I asked her what she is doing. According to her, she can date and he is ok with her dating. But she cannot have sex with anyone else other than him and if she does, she must let him know per their agreement. She mentioned that since they have been seeing each other for about a month or so...he has brought this "agreement" up at least 3 times.

My question is this: Isnt this a way of controlling her? I think it is...but then again I dont know because she agreed to it. She does not forsee it as a problem right now but I think that at some point it might be.

[lynnered]

My question is this: Isnt this a way of controlling her? I think it is...but then again I dont know because she agreed to it. She does not forsee it as a problem right now but I think that at some point it might be.
it is but in that situation you're not thinking right sometimes
when i was with mm (when A started)i was dating a guy in the military we were dating 3 months ,never had sex,well while he was away began A
i knew mm as friends for 2 yrs prev,and figured i was in love with mm this was going to be a 1x thing &don't see or talk no more ,
WRONG anyway military guy, i didn't want to break up over phone mm knew about him,anyway he was coming home 4 months after A began ,i tell mm military guy is coming back ,i don't know what to do,and if i had to live this moment over ,i wish i did it different,basically he said he didnt want to be a part of that type of situation!!
so i waited til military came back broke up with him ,i was like in my early 20s no excuse but i was native i believed my love for mm ,at that time i didn't know he loved me,things would work out he would leave ,4 years later alot of regret &some things with him i don't regret ,he was a good guy just in a bad situation at home (don't start nextel) but i learned &now i know what i want and what i don't want,what i will &what i wont tolerate .
your friend will learn from her situation ,if she's smart &can use her head instead of heart &attachment issues ,she will tell him ,don't call me you have separation papers ,but from these posts you know thats not easy ,support her ,listen don't judge &remember not every situation is the same.

[2Confuzed]

My MM and I argue about this issue a lot. I feel just like so many of you do. He is MARRIED and he surely has sex with HIS WIFE, so why can't I do what I want right? I have no commitment to him, mainly because he can't make one to me. We work together, so when ever he sees me talking to a guy, he won't say anything about it right away, he lets it eat at him until one day he brings it up out of nowhere and I'm like "what the f^#&?" Then we start arguing about it.

Here's the best part: He doesn't want to tell me to wait for him because he would feel bad about me putting my life on hold for him. Soooo then.... why every time I am talking to someone else or my cell rings a couple times in front of him, he tries to say that I can't care for him as much as I say I do if I'm talking to other guys, but at the same time, he doesn't want to tell me to wait for him. What the hell is that?

Can anyone explain this to me? I don't understand it myself.