I've read several disccusions on this site about porn. Here is my prob.

My husband has viewed porn in the past. Never have I confronted him about it. Now he deletes his history so I cannot find it. So now I cannot confront him because I have no actual proof. Today, my computer was locking up and I descided to clear out some documents. After I ran my ad-aware program it turned up some downloaded videos. When I looked at the time on these files it was around the time I would have already been in bed sleeping last night.

I have confided in a friend who thinks I'm upset over nothing. She said that since he was viewing that "soft play-boy type" stuff it wasn't actually porn. That all men do this and not to worry. So help me out here. Where is the line drawn that it becomes actual porn?

Are there signs that it's a problem? I'm afraid to confront him. It's been pins and needles around here trying to keep him from getting upset with me over the little things. Like the house not being spotless, etc. We have a 2.5 yr old son and I still have an extra 15lbs from that lingering. I really-really try to be attentive to ALL his needs. I'm so afraid he's going to lay this all on me.

Any advise on how to approach this with him?

[P1xie]

[quote]Originally posted by JustLurKing


I have confided in a friend who thinks I'm upset over nothing. She said that since he was viewing that "soft play-boy type" stuff it wasn't actually porn. That all men do this and not to worry. So help me out here. Where is the line drawn that it becomes actual porn?[quote]

What is nothing to your friend maybe something to you. Do not let anyone manipulate you into thinking your feelings are wrong. PORN IS PORN! Whether it's soft core or hard core. If you do not want it in your life that is your decision. I hated the Playboy type worse than the hardcore videos because there was a name behind the picture and it was one girl not just the act. I asked him once what he was thinking when he was looking at a paticular girl "Torrie Wilson" and he said he thought about what she felt like etc... I told him he may as well be *ucking her because he already was in his mind. All I'm is you have to grow from your own conclusions don't fall for the "All men do it crap" that does not make it right or wrong for you.

It's been pins and needles around here trying to keep him from getting upset with me over the little things. Like the house not being spotless, etc. We have a 2.5 yr old son and I still have an extra 15lbs from that lingering. I really-really try to be attentive to ALL his needs. I'm so afraid he's going to lay this all on me.

Any advise on how to approach this with him?

Before addressing the porn I think I would be more concerned with your statement above... Sounds like you're in a I'm Caveman You Jane relationship. I hope I'm wrong.

Take care.

[Pocky]

What bothers you about him looking at porn?

[johnnyapples]

Originally posted by JustLurKing
Are there signs that it's a problem? I'm afraid to confront him. It's been pins and needles around here trying to keep him from getting upset with me over the little things. Like the house not being spotless, etc. We have a 2.5 yr old son and I still have an extra 15lbs from that lingering. I really-really try to be attentive to ALL his needs. I'm so afraid he's going to lay this all on me.

Any advise on how to approach this with him?

I agree with P1xie ... take care of yourself first. Make sure you are happy with who you are. Maybe start working out, eat healthy and take a few minutes for yourself everyday to remind yourself of how special you are.

Then I would think about confronting him or finding a way to please him ...

A note about the "soft porn" thing. I guess its sort of a good thing its not "hard porn". It could be a lot worse and he might be into a lot of things that might scare you.

[tiki]

If porn is something that's not acceptable to you, tell him. It's not acceptable to me either, and my husband is totally in agreement.

Would your husband want you looking at porn? Have you asked him that?

He knows it's not acceptable. When we were first married he was all out against it. It bothers me that he refuses to go to events with me and our son so he can stay home and look at porn. He's taking time away from me & his son to look at it. We had a church function Monday night and he said he didn't want to go. So he stayed home and looked at porn. I know for sure he did this particular time. Something he viewed locked our computer up.

It's also now having a toll on our intimacy.

Thanks for the replies.....They are most appreciated.

[Jason 2003]

Ad-Aware found porn movies on your hard drive!? That's very peculiar. Avi's and mpg's are not the kind of files ad-aware looks for.

Anyway, the rule of thumb in the porn wars is that if the sex between the two of you has not dramatically changed as far as how often you do it, he's not pestering you to do sex acts you don't want to do, and he is not spending every night in front of the computer for hours and hours and ignoring the family--leave him alone.

Married men are allowed a little private fantasy time now and then. If you sneak around looking into his computer history and confronting him in an angry way about this, he will find ways to be more secretive about it. This problem has more to do with you and your attitudes toward porn, his private time, and perhaps a certain amount of jealousy, than it does with him.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by JustLurKing
He knows it's not acceptable. When we were first married he was all out against it. It bothers me that he refuses to go to events with me and our son so he can stay home and look at porn. He's taking time away from me & his son to look at it. We had a church function Monday night and he said he didn't want to go. So he stayed home and looked at porn. I know for sure he did this particular time. Something he viewed locked our computer up.

It's also now having a toll on our intimacy.

Thanks for the replies.....They are most appreciated.

Is he refusing to go to events so he can stay home and look at porn or is he looking at porn when he stays home from events? Why didn't he want to go to the church event?

[uberfrau]

What kind of MAN chooses to spend time with his internet porn instead of attending family functions? Trick question, a MAN doesn't do that, a 13 year old boy does.

Your husband sounds pathetic. The keyboard is probably a goo-fest. Honestly, can you even RESPECT a man who does that?

ANd why aren't you willing to bring this up to him? What's he going to do, beat you up?

Your husband sounds like a brute.

[Nine]

Just Lurking,

As others have said, it sounds like there are other issues in your marriage beyond your H's porn viewing (although I do think that is an issue as well). Have you considered marriage counseling? Can you talk to your H about that?

Nine

[FolderWife]

I gotta be honest: my bully/husband would get really mean whenever he was looking at porn. He'd nag me about the cleaning, about my weight, and about every cent I spent. I could do NOTHING right. Our sex life would dwindle down to nothing, and I'd start to consider divorce, because I couldn't take his mistreatment any more.

Then I'd find porn, and I'd confront him about it. He'd apologize for breaking his promise not to look at it, and I'd throw it out.

And he'd become an attentive loving husband again.

The first year of our marriage, I tried to just let him do what he wanted. I liked porn too. I got upset about it, when we'd have a hard time with sex *aka, he couldn't get an erection, if he got one, he couldnt' keep it up, and when he managed to keep it up, he couldn't orgasm...which was very frustrating and strange to me, because every man before him couldn't get enough of me, and couldn't contain an orgasm...so I felt horribly unattractive and depressed...we were NEWLYWEDS...we were supposed to be having sex all the time!* so in the midst of our hard times, I find out that he's MASTERBATING TO MOVIES OF OTHER WOMEN!?! So I already felt unattractive, because he physically couldn't get an erection with me (*and I'd always heard that a penis gets hard if a breeze hits it*) but he could orgasm with a movie of people having sex, and pictures of naked women.

I felt BETRAYED. So I tried to incorporate it into our sex life, and finally just gave up, and told him that I couldnt' live with it any more, and porn had to go.

so now, except for every three months when he sneaks and pays a fortune for movies ($120 in April of Last year, and $60 just last December...and by the way, I get yelled at if I buy myself CLOTHES) our marriage is pretty good

Monday......guess you know where I'm coming from.....My dh is becoming increasingly picky of the little things. It's been a battle of trying to keep everything "perfect" so he won't get upset with me.

It's not like I was snooping around invading "his" privacy. And to address Jason 2003 . . . the "ad-aware" program found a trace of spyware which was downloaded while visiting a site or downloading a video. Our computer was locked up from it! Sorry your post really hurt my feelings. I'm not jealous or invading his privacy. When it's actually OUR computer he's using. When I open OUR browser and the homepage has been changed to a porn site? How is that invading his privacy? He has all the privacy he wants. He is not required to do a thing around this house. He doesn't even attend functions with me. He stays up all hours of the night. I promise you I'm not mistreating him in any way! Nor is he being nagged by me. I don't want this to be my problem but apparently it is!

No I haven't addressed him over this yet. Just for the fact I don't know how to bring this up now. I don't want to be judgemental and I sure don't want him to blame me. Which after reading different discussions is the norm.

THANK you all so very much !!!! It's been such a help to me!

[uberfrau]

and i suspect she gets a masochistic thrill from putting up with it, and talking about it.
She's the type who LIKES being 'jane' to his 'tarzan'. Excuse me while i vomit.

[Jason 2003]

Are you wives and girlfriends fighting a losing battle? Here's one explanation of why he's watching porn:

from---http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/special/why.html

"Porn as we know it is used predominantly by men. That is not to say that women do not use it, but simply that men are the main consumers of this "pleasure technology." Why men? It may not come as a surprise, but research suggests that most men are more interested in sex than most women are. More men than women masturbate, and they do so more frequently. More men experience orgasms, and do so more consistently.

Some scientists believe that these differences have a biological basis. Evolutionary psychologists argue that ancestral men, to spread their genes, had much to gain from having sex with as many women as possible. In contrast, given the biological limitations on the number of children women could have and raise, they would benefit from being selective -- choosing mates with the best genes. Thus, men evolved a sexual psychology that makes sex with new women exciting both to imagine and to engage in, and this made men especially responsive to visual signals of sex. Porn, a largely visual medium, parades many youthful and attractive partners, and provides physical gratification without commitment or encumbering relationships. There are other social-historical explanations for the gender discrepancy, however, including the fact that, until recently, porn has not been created with the intention of appealing to women."

[P1xie]

Thus, men evolved a sexual psychology that makes sex with new women exciting both to imagine and to engage in, and this made men especially responsive to visual signals of sex. Porn, a largely visual medium, parades many youthful and attractive partners, and provides physical gratification without commitment or encumbering relationships.

Men should keep it to the times when they are without commitment or encumbering relationships if it is hurting the REAL person they are with.

You can take this same article and say that is why men cheat. Being with someone to me is not seeking new men or women.

Look at the heartache it causes so many women here. It's sad that instead of seeing the hurt we just find excuses for the behavior.