[vhshowdown]

I have kinda started to see my ex g/f for about a week now. Twice now she has brought up the guy that she dated when were broke up. Is she doing this to piss me off, cause it has. But what does she have to gain from this??
I know she truly doesnt love the guy, cause even when we were broken up, she would still try to contact me, and act like he wasnt in the picture anymore, and try to get us back together......

So my advice I am searching for, how do I handle this, without pissin her off. Do I ignore it, or do I come back with a good line to get her to stop?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....

[upsetnhurt]

VH,

Did you just get back together and not communicate to her the reasons for the initial breakup? If you did I would suspect that the topic of that guy would have come up there and not be brought up again. If she is still talking about him rest assured she is thinking about him even more. This is not a good sign and you should communicate your feelings as soon as possible.

[vhshowdown]

upsetnhurt,

Thanks for your reply. The first nite we were together over a week ago, we talked about the things that happened to cause us to break up, our relationships after the breakup, and so on. When it was all said, I said I would never bring any of it up again, and I have done just that. Now she brought it up Thursday, and it caught me off guard, and it pissed me off, and she knew it. So I am thinking that our relationship is on shaky ground cause of it. We talked on the phone this afternoon, and she said something about him, I didnt expect it, but I didnt answer anything to it either. So that is 2 times now.

So, now I am thinking she is doing it to piss me off and see my reaction. True, she could still be thinking about him as well, I dont know. I am usually not the jealous type, but for some reason I am having a serious problem with this, and I dont know why, and I dont know what to say about it either.......

[fundamental]

I would just ignore it... remember ...never let them see you sweat. She could be mentioning him to see your reaction....she could be playing mind games. Or, maybe she feels that she can mention him because he means nothing to her now and she cares about you. I know I can easily bring up someone from my past when I dont have feelings for them anymore.... and at the same time not realizing how it's affecting the girl i am currently with.

[very-confused-girl]

Girls are very talkative and talk about their past experiences more than guys do.

And there is a high chance she does it on purpouse just to upset you and see your reaction, especially because you already broke up once. You did not mention why did you broke up but I assume that she could still feel kind of hurt or at least bitter because of the break-up with you. If you were the one who left her initially she might feel that by her talking about that guy would make "the score even"....

who knows, but if it bothers you, you should talk with her about it. Dont try to give back at her by bringing up a different girl, that would not work. You already once were part, probably hurt each other, or at least one of you came out of the relatioship hurt and I dont think you can afford the luxury to be hurting each other again just for some pleasure or something like.

Talk to her about it and see what happens, if she is going to take it into her mind.

[Cecelius]

It's a test. The answer: don't take the test.

Either she's doing it intentionally to make you jealous (decide whether you want to be with a girl who will do that to you) or she just can't stop herself.

Change the subject, smoothly-- not because you're bothered or offended or jealous, but because it bores you. Shut it down and keep in mind that nothing she says can affect you.

If she presses, tell her you're having a good time and can probably think of something more interesting to talk about. If she presses more, let her know that if she needs to talk about boy problems, she can find a girlfriend, or, frankly, if she's that hung up on him, suggest that she go out with him.

Either way, you're there to have a good time, not to be a therapist.

[vhshowdown]

That is all really good advice. It came out last nite that she is afraid of getting hurt again, and she doesnt know if she wants a relationship or not. So, she wont even kiss me on the lips right now, and gets mad if I try!!

So, I will not fall for the "test" now that I know what possibly to expect. I will just change the subject. And we both know after last nite especially, that we can have a great time together and our feelings are to much for us not to bow to them.

[vhshowdown]

Ok, now I am totally confused. How can someone go out with you, be all lovey dovey with you, even have sex, etc.... but refuse to kiss you on the lips??

She says its because 1) she is afraid of getting hurt again, and 2) she doesnt want a relationship, and kissing is reserved for intimate relationships. Where in the world did she get that from?
So, needless to say, it is driving me crazy now. Maybe part of me is confused, and maybe a part of me knows that she is controlling this "relationship" and I am having a problem dealing with that, or that I am the best thing right now until something better comes along.....

Has anyone ever gone thru something like this? Any advice as to how to handle this?

[Cecelius]

I think it means you don't have a relationship, unless she's 12 or something. She said she didn't want a relationship and she doesn't want to kiss you. Other than that, she's just hanging around for a good time.

[vhshowdown]

So does that mean if I want to have a relationship with her, I have to let her control everything, with the chance the relationship may never happen again? Do I continue what I have been doing, or do I need to change up something??