[Prettyinblack]

I feel like crap...I have been with my b/f for 3 years and there is a huge commttment issue here.....he is a committment phobic and I am so in love with him, I can't even think straight. I split with him in November and we got back together 2 days later....I was sick of asking for what I needed in the relationship and not getting it . THe committment issue had been circling and circling around since last April----we were great and never argued about anything other than that. You know, he would start to do weird things and I would feel it and react and the fight would be on. It seemed that he was always trying to prove that he wouldn't be controlled and I would just sigh and think, 'oh jeez.here he goes again..' ANyway, to make a long story short, we broke up again about 2 weeks ago over another stupid argument and this time he ended it. We had a wonderful Christmas together and my birthday is on New Year's Eve and that was great and then he started his crap again with being Mr. Independent and I got quiet and he said he couldn't deal with it anymore and we were done etc.etc.etc. The thing is, he gave me two absolutely mushy cards for Christmas and my birthday saying that I was his life partner and friend and how much he loved me and how we are in this together through good times and bad etc. Really thoughtful cards and so loving.
I waited a couple days after the break and then I dropped off a letter for him saying I never felt so hated in all my life and relationships do not survive when only one person's needs are being met etc.etc.etc. ANyway, he left me a message that siad he didn't hate me and he would talk to me later. SO a few days pass and I call him and we stayed on the phone for about 1 1/2 hours talking about how the last two weeks have been. His dad had been diagnosed with bladder cancer and his van has broken down and 'everything has broken' in the last two weeks (to quote him) but no talk of getting together to talk or plans made for the week-end. The call ended with him saying he was going to go because his arm was falling asleep and I laughed and said so was mine and he said "thanks for calling, Tracey......we'll talk about your situations later." (I've had a crappy two weeks as well) and that was it. I hung up the phone and felt so confused and still am. THat was 2 nights ago.
I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place here.........I do not want to be his friend when only 2 weeks before, I got those cards and we had such a great Christmas etc. I really love him but don't want to invest anymore time in a relationship if this is where is begins and ends. I want to make the relationship more permanent.. Not marriage, but living together. He knows this and he dances around the talk like a cat on a hot tin roof. I think he would be more than happy if the relationship stayed exactly the way it is, without my talking about the future and where we are going. I also don't want to enable him and say, OK, we'll stay like this for awhile and I won't pressure you......I've already done that and we get along great......as long as I don't say, "so, when are we going to look at houses?" THen, he'll 'kind of' answer but will start to act like Mr.Independent again and the crap starts all over again.
I apologize for the rambling but I have never felt like this before about someone and really don't want to move on but rather, I am hoping for some Godly intervention or for some light that goes on pointing me in the right direction. I feel like I am dying inside. Help.

[tigerskye]

There is so many threads like this, talking about the same situtation you are in or close to it. You may want to look at those too.

Anywayz....I will tell you from my experience in my relationship like this I there is so much we don't know about men and it is hard to tell what they are thinking. Though i am reading men are from mars women are from venus and it is totally helping me learn more about men.

[Prettyinblack]

Yes, I have read that book but I'm not so sure how helpful it is unless the other half reads it too.....I forgot to mention that my b/f isn't telling anyone that we are broken up. He casually mentioned the other night that he is private and doesn't want anyone to know his personal life.....we have all the same friends as we are both musicians but he isn't saying anything and I got the message that he doesn't wnat me to either. WHat the heck does that mean?

[tigerskye]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and if we broke up I think it would be so hard for me to tell anyone. 1) because I feel like people would look at me differently becuase when people think of me they usually think of me as a whole person with my boyfriend. Even though it sounds stupid it is the way I feel. 2) reason becuase I feel that I would want to get back with him. If we broke up I would not want anyone to know because I would hope we would get back together. So one of those or both could be his reason.

Also...think of it like people that get a divroce. It is so hard to tell people you are getting divorced or serparated because you don't want people to know you have falled at love. I know that you were not married but you were together for a long time. Most people that are married didnot date more than 6 months before they got engaged.

[Prettyinblack]

Well, Update on the break-up/.....I think things are looking up! About two weeks ago, I was feeling so sick without him and a friend of mine said to me,,Just leave him a message and see what happens.....so, the next day, I do while he's at work...at 2:15 to be exact, and then I take in my next client and go back to work. Well, an hour later when I come out from seeing the client, my secretary says "marty called"....that was at 3:15. SO I wait an hour or so and return his call at work...(he hadn't picked up his messages yet as he has to be at home to get them), and we chat about ...stuff. Nothing about us but a real nice chat and he thanks me for calling him and says "I'll call you tonight when I get home from, K??" and he does....right at 10:00. We talk on the phone for about 20 minutes and I start saying I have to go, and he keeps talking and I say, "Really, I have to go." and then we end the conversation.......he had said that he got my message and just ffelt "compelled' to call me and had been thinking alot about me as well. ANd I said, "Great.......I'll talk to you later." So, the next day, my house gets broken into......yeah.....no kidding.....and I call him and he comes right over and stays for 2 days. Put wood in the doors and windows and stuff and all was good.....we had sex..........shouldn't have I don't think, but we did. ANd then on Saturday night we get together, have dinner like usual and rent a movie, like usual and he stays over, like usual. No sex this time, 'cause I'm thinking that I shouldn't have had sex with him after the break-in, but just say I'm tired. So, on the Monday, he starts asking where I was SUnday night when he called and I say I stayed over at a friends house and he asks why and I say because I don't wnat to be at the house right now alone, and blah, blah, blah/.....ANyway, he gets angry with me, says that it's my attitude that he has a problem and that was why we split up etc. I tell him that we are caught in a vicious cirlcle here that we BOTH have created etc.etc.etc... I wasn't real happy with the conversation, but at least it's communication. He also sais that he needs more "Harmony" in a relationship and I say that if he wants that, he needs to geive me more "Time"(together). And then we both pause. So, we talk every day on the phone and things are ok.....on Friday morning he calls me and we chat and he says he'll call me that afternoon if he gets a chance from work and he doesn't. SO I leave him a message in teh early evening to say that I'm going over to a friends. Trust me, I know this is long but I'm talking here about TWO weeks.....sorry.
On Saturday morning, he leaves me a message asking me if I feel like getting together tonight (last night) and to call him before he leaves work...I was out with a friend, and I call him at 5 pm to say that I've made plans and he seems ok with that and he'll call me today after he gets all his stuff done..........it's now 6:30 and I am freaked. I'm really not neurotic, but he's kind of acting like it's business as usual and I'm wanting change in the relationship..so, I'm living my life hoping he'll ask me what the H*** is up. I want a committment from this man!!! Not business as usual. And I'm confused as to what is going on but I don't want him to know that I am dying inside....I want to spurn on some change. Please give me some advice!!!!