[North Shore]

I have one of those exes that always seems to sense when I've just about moved. That's when he calls. And since I'm essentially either a glutton for punishment or a trained monkey, I call him back. We chat amiably for a while, as if we were old friends and nothing more, never venturing to actually talk about anything pertinent to our relationship or feelings or situation.

We even made plans to hang out once. His suggestion. Of course, he didn't actually show up or even call to apologize after the fact - even after 3 weeks - but again, I'm only a trained monkey so no big deal, right? Actually that made it pretty damn easy to get on with the whole moving on thing. Took a trip to have some fun and live a little. Of course he called while I was gone letting me know that he was free that night and the next so if I wanted to get together........No, I'm not kidding, he actually blew me off and then tried again weeks later. Seriously.

So I'm doing great, right? Had a fantastic trip complete with attitude adjustment. Shed layers of clothes and layers of drudgery. Imbibed plenty of liquor. Basked in the sun and basked in flirtations. Off with the mantle of oppression! Trained Monkeys Unite!

And then it hits. The snowstorm to end all snowstorms trapping me in my alone in my apartment with WAY too much time to rattle around in abject lonliness. And you know what? I came out the other end pretty much okay. I resisted the urge to call him. I resign myself - yet again - to a life without him and the knowledge that he doesn't want to be with me.

And once at the other end of the tunnel, of course, he calls. I didn't answer. I resisted. For a while. I'm a trained monkey so my resistence is weak. Pavlov's dog hears the ringing of the bell and must respond. Yup, I called him back.

Is there no end? Will I ever just GET THE HELL OVER HIM? Can't I just move on? Why do I continue to love this complete a** of a man? Do I have to turn in my Ex-Boyfriend Resistance memebership card? When will the Trained Monkey Association of America memebership card arrive in the mail? AAaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

If its any consolation, your post really cracked me up.

I could use one of those Ex-Boyfriend Resistance memebership cards. Whats the fee?

You may feel like one of Pavlov's dogs right now, but the less often that bell rings, the less conditioned you will be to it. He stood you up- thats totally bogus. Can you hang on to that anger long enough to resist returning his calls?

[KaiaMahina]

Whoa, there. Hold on. Back 'er up a minute.

This man made concrete plans to meet with you and didn't show up? And didn't call to warn you he wouldn't show up? And didn't call you afterwards (like 15 minutes afterwards) to apologize for not showing up? And you have, in fact, never received even a belated and p**s-poor excuse and/or apology for the aforementioned not showing up?

Furthermore, you still love him?

If anyone in this situation is a monkey, it is he. While, personally, I adore those Chinese snow monkeys, most monkeys are foul-smelling, disrespectful, s**t-slinging little beasts. Any resemblance to homo sapiens is due mainly to the fact that they have opposable thumbs and the ability to mimic human behavior. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that if you made a date with a monkey, he wouldn't show up. You'd be left sitting there in Starbuck's, nursing a lukewarm mocha cappuccino until the cows come home. As my mother used to say, "There's no percentage in it."

This male person (no way in hell is he a man) is nothing better than a greasy little organ grinder's monkey, darting in and out of your life, stealing your time and your emotions and carrying them away to some wooden crate filled with dirty straw where he chatters and screeches over his treasure. In my experience, wasting someone's time, disturbing their emotions and shattering their nerves is an unforgiveable sin. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, and if you can't do both, then take your monkeyshines elsewhere.

The next time he calls, imagine him picking nits from his furry armpits or curling his toes around a banana and instead of picking up the phone, clean your toilet, respackle your ceiling or blow soap bubbles from your dishwashing liquid because any of these activities is more worthwhile than speaking to him.

[lost_in_chgo]

Here's a solution North,

Use the pavlov thing to your advantage and recondition yourself not to hate it when the phone rings.

Get yourself two alligator clips and a hundred foot telephone extension cord.
Cut off the socket end of the cord and wire the red and green wires to the alligator clips.
Plug the plug end of the cord into an open phone jack.

Now clip the wires to your tongue and wait for the phone to ring again.

Problem solved.


This and many more creative solutions to relationship problems brought to you by lost_in_chgo enterprises.















for anyone sitting there with two alligator clips on their tongue, this was a joke.