I don't understand why he finished with me and i want him back

kitk8babes · 24th January 2005, 12:00 PM

I am so confused. Last thursday my ex broke up with me and we had been going out for nearly two years! I thought things were going fine he was just having a lot of stress from work and recently would say the odd comment to me that was slightly out of order! Anyway he was suppost to me taking me out for a meal this thursday to say sorry. Well he took me out for a meal and in the middle of it he told me that he wanted to break up with me, i nearly chocked on my food it was a bit of a shock to say the least!
I asked him why and he gave all these explations that i find hard to believe. apparently he doesn't treat me good enough and I can do better than him, but he stills loves me the same etc.

I didn't believe it and i don't undetstand, i know he isn't seeing anyone else! Anyway he gave the old I still want to be friends line, but i said that i couldn't cope with that! Some people may be able to do it but i can't get over someone if i'm still seeing them!

He hasn't rang or texted me and it is now Monday snd i haven't rang or texted him because I am trying to be strong!

I spoke to two of his friends and he has said to both of them that he broke up with me because he was treating me too badly etc, but he still loves, so they asked him why he broke up with me and he said that he doesn't really know!

I found out that he went out on saturday night and got completely drunk!Apparently he was out of control starting fights etc, which is so unlike him!His friend said to me "we all told him that he shouldn't of broke up with you because now he is out of control and you were the only person that could control him!"

I just don't understand, i miss and love him so much! Why hasn't he called or texted me, i'm so hurt and upset i just want him back I love him so much and can' bear to let him go!

blind_otter · 24th January 2005, 12:12 PM

He decided to do this, in many ways breakups (abrupt or bad) hurt more because there never IS any closure. I'd love to sit down with my ex and understand why he is teh way he is, but I never will be, so I had to let it go and move on with my life. You can't pine away like Ms. Havisham for the rest of your life.

If you guys are meant to be it will happen. The best thing for you, right now, is to just work on feeling better.

Merin · 24th January 2005, 12:19 PM

IMO, When someone tells you that you're too good for them and you can do better.. the best thing to do is BELIEVE THEM.

It could be that even if he isn't seeing anyone else (right now) he has someone in mind that he wants to persue..

Last thing here.. his friends said the only person who could "control him" is you.. in my mind (if thats true) then I think it could also be a reason he wanted to break up.. he doesn't want to be "controlled" or "saved"

Good Luck

kitk8babes · 24th January 2005, 12:35 PM

i/m trying hard to move on and take my mind off of things, i went out on saturday night and saw this bloke that I had always though was pretty nice, i managed to exchange phone numbers with him and we have been texing each other, i haven't done anything with him tho cos i don't think its fair.

It just made me realise tho how much i just wanted my ex back

disconcertainly · 24th January 2005, 1:09 PM

Wow...I can really relate to this it had just happened to me today. He broke up with me b/c he is holding me back and he cant stand to see me in emotional pain...but as i was walking out the door whats he say...Sharon I love you.....like I was suppose to say it back. I am really very much hurting on the inside but I suppose if this is what he wants then he can go for his new found relief of not being with me. I am going to be strong and not call him..he know I love him and would like to be with him...but on the otherhand He does not want to be with me...oh wait yeah he said that it was not that he did not want to be with me its that we are not compatible...whatever that means....we have been together for 2 years and we suddenly not compatible. Oh I will LIVE .Good Luck and I feel your pain.

blind_otter · 24th January 2005, 1:13 PM

When I broke with my ex he kept saying "Is this really what you want?"

Of course, I said, "NO - What I want is for everything to magically work between us, but it just doesn't, and we can't fix that. I would love to be with you, grow old with you, have your babies, and live happily ever after. But that is fantasy. What we have in reality sucks."

I tend to be prettu brutally honest, and admittedly the real statement I made to him was peppered with profanity, but you get the idea. Love isn't the sole ingredient to a successful relationship, and people change, too.

disconcertainly · 24th January 2005, 1:16 PM

Otter--
I diagree with you if two people love each other enough it can work. perphaps finding 2 people that love each other the same amount and ahve the desire to make it work may be a different story.

blind_otter · 24th January 2005, 2:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by disconcertainly
Otter--
I diagree with you if two people love each other enough it can work. perphaps finding 2 people that love each other the same amount and ahve the desire to make it work may be a different story.

Disagree all you want. Won't change my experience or opinion.

Love is an inherently illogical emotion. The key to having a healthy, stable relationship is to approach in like an engineer, making sure that the basic, foundational elements that are necessary for a strong, steady relationship are present. Love is a wildcard, a bonus, a necessity but not the essential component. Research indicates that other factors can strongly determine relationship success, such as: conflict resolution style, similarity of personal goals in life, similarity in personal moral values, etc.

I actually took part in a 3-year longintudinal study conducted by UF social psych professor Benjamin Karney, where they evaluated personality, conflict resolution styles, similarity in goals/morals, similarity in family background.....his findings are startling and interesting. My marriage was, according to them, doomed from the start. And, though my exhusband and I love each other dearly - we cannot be together. We are simply too different. Wanted different things out of life. I can accept that he will probably find happiness and just as much love from another person.

imokurnot · 24th January 2005, 2:40 PM

are lame excuses. 9 times out of 10 there is either someone else or someone else is in their mind. Sorry to say this but it has happened to me just recently as well. If they still love you they would want to work on treating you the way they say you deserve. I hate excuses and would rather have the truth up front. Nobody loves someone and leaves them. There are reasons or another person or they just don't love you. That's the reality of it. Someone said above if it was meant to be it will be and they will come back. BS that is another nice saying to make people feel better about the situation. Fate, Destiny etc. BS "The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination." People don't want to deal with the reality that is "people suck". Well maybe they don't even mean to suck and our hopes were not realistic in the first place or whatever. But people saying things that are intended to help really piss me off. People have choices and they make their decisions and those decisions effect others around them. Things happen for a reason is another one I hate to hear. Yeah my ex left me for another guy after 7 yrs. The reason being she got bored ion our relationship, gave up, gave into peer pressure and her friends idea of the perfect guy, and got selfish and hurt me and now she is hurting a little too finally. What was the reason and what did we learn? We learned she was selfish and when she cries to me telling me he isn't what she thought he was she is being selfish again. It is what it is............

kitk8babes · 25th January 2005, 7:00 AM

thanks for all your advice guys, i really do appericiate it!

I was having a really bad day yesterday tho and i missed him so much, my best friend is going out with my ex's best friend which makes things even harder at the mo, but yesterday my ex's best friend johnny said to him so whats going on with you and katie then(me) and apparently he said well nothing cos she hasn't rang or text me!

My immediate reaction was, well he hasn't bothered to ring me but then i spose the ball was slightly in my court because i had told him i didn't want to be friends or see him again,opps!

Anyway it got me thinking i decided that i would just tell him how much i missed him, not that i want him back or anything like that, just that i missed him! So what i did was i wrote him a card just saying the things that I missed about our relationship, then i wrapped in in a bag went to his house and put it under the windscreen wipe of his van so he would get it when he went to work in the morning!

But i haven't heard anything from him and i I can stop thinking about it!I know he must of got it because his van was gone this morning!

Do you think that this is a sign that i really need to just let go or is he playing games with me!

Please him, i'm so confused and i'm driving myself crazy!

katiex

kitk8babes · 25th January 2005, 12:11 PM

somebody please help me i'm going insane!

blind_otter · 25th January 2005, 4:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by kitk8babes

My immediate reaction was, well he hasn't bothered to ring me but then i spose the ball was slightly in my court because i had told him i didn't want to be friends or see him again,opps!

Let it go. Move on. There are better things to take up your time.

Merin · 25th January 2005, 4:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by blind_otter
Let it go. Move on. There are better things to take up your time.

I agree..

You've done all you can do..
You've established for him what's okay for you and what isn't..
You went out of your way to make some contact with him and let him know you care about him..

Now time to leave things alone and start the healing process for you..

I'm sorry..

Colleen · 25th January 2005, 8:51 PM

I understand what you're going through. My boyfriend just broke up with me too for what seems like no reason at all.And he fed me the same "lets be friends bull"..I like you can't be friends when there are feelings involved it is unfair to myself..I am not sure what kind of advice to give you b/c I myself dont' know what to do..I will say though that you not caling him is awesome. I don't have that kind of control at least I didnt' until now..I found though that because I did't act like I cared ..he is actually more interested in me and talking to me now..He will come around..And if not it wasn't ment to be ..Good Luck!