[vtpats]

New to the forum... not sure where to turn.


I've been married for 6 years now, got married when I was 24. I've known my wife for 9-10 years. We had a child almost 2 years ago, got great jobs, bought our first house and up until a few weeks ago I thought life was great.


She tells me now that she may leave me. She feels I don't do the little things in life. She loves me she says, but is not sure she can ever be satisfied. This is the third time she's done this in our relationship. Every once and awhile she seems to yearn for greener pastures. Wants to go out and see if she can make it on her own. She says she wants to go to Alaska and gut fish for a living.

I'm unsure of how to deal with this. I feel I've done almost all I can in life to make things great for us... but yet, I realize she's not altogther wrong about me. I am consumed with everything else but her. I don't pick marigolds for her like I used to. I don't sneak up on her anymore and scare her... I just come home from work... tired. But part of me feels, that is what life should be like at 30 with a 2 year old... very little time for us... right now.

I feel like a good person, lover and husband and it's shocking to suddenly realize you've been blind to the fact that your partner does not feel the same. In truth, I don't even know what I expect from other posters here. I simply have no one to talk to, other than my wife, and that isn't really helping right now.


Todd

[HokeyReligions]

Todd, I'm sorry that this is happening --- but it doesn't have to mean that the marriage is over. You both need to realize that you are not responsible for her fulfillment. It's up to her. At the same time, you are a contributing factor to her happiness as she is to yours.

Try <URL removed> for some information. It sounds like you two are in a rut and, as often happens, people will try to climb out on opposite sides alone instead of giving each other a boost. Changing a behavior may help for a while, but its not a fundamental change, its a surface fix. Sometimes they take hold and sometimes they don't. I really think some outside assistance/tools/encouragement will help you both.

Tell her you love her and you want both of you to be happy. Ask her if she will go to some marriage counseling with you because you are serious about revitalizing the marriage.

On Marriage Builders there is information and questionnaires. My husband and I did this. We read the info, printed the questionnaires, and set aside some time to go over the questions. The instructions say to fill out the form and give to your partner to read, but what we did is fill them out and then go question by question and discuss our answers. We took several weeks to get through a couple questionnaires because there are not instant answers. We took the time to listen to each other and to understand ourselves. We scheduled the time, 1 or 2 hours a week. I think that this might help you both to communicate in a new way.

Get some outside help -- don't try to do it alone. Counseling may take one session or several, but its not a permanent thing and its a tool to help you to help yourselves. You wouldn't try to jump on the roof to fix the chimney, you need a ladder. Thats what counseling is, a ladder to help you help yourself. Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

While your at the MarriageBuilders website, take a look at the Three States of Mind in Marriage. If you click on the link at the bottom of each page it'll will take you to the next "state of mind". Do read through the whole Basic Concepts section though. This is a really good informational site.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...600_state.html

You and your wife aren't on the same page in regards to your level of commitment in the marriage. She seems to want to bail-out when the going gets tough.