[sallywl]

Hey, Im new to this website, stumbled upon it in by chance.
My story:

Engaged, for over 2 yrs, together almost 5.
I love him but questioning whether I am "in love" with him, hes great 80% of the time but has an arrogant and really annoying/upsetting side to him, he has also put on a hell of a lot of weight, and really doesnt care.

I have also put on weight, however am making a huge effort to make healthty balanced meals and exercising, whereas he sits on his bum and scoff boxes of choc, and lager etc. I cant really explain without it sounding nasty, its just it sickens me and worries me as he had a health problem , which was caused by his diet and weight. Also I find him less attractive, perhaps more because I know what he is doing to himself and doesnt care.

He also doesnt really help with house work etc even tho I am at uni working part time and have to do my uni homework everything is such a struggle. He also lacks ambition or drive settling for what ever comes.

I am seriously considering splitting up with him, however there are a few factors standing in my way:

I am not sure if I really really really am doing the right thing
I dont wanna hurt him or his family (who are fab)
We rent a house, and i finish uni in may cant afford to stay on my own,
we have a join account which is seriously in its overdraft

But am I happy? Should I just settle and put up with it?
I dont know!
HELP!
Its tearing me appart, Ive been in tears so many times in the last week (hes visiting his parents and picking up his new car)

[upallnight]

I am speaking from experience...don't marry him until you are sure!

Have you tried talking with him about your feelings? It may hurt him to hear what you are thinking, but I think that's a step you need to take before calling the whole thing off. He needs to be aware so that he has the opportunity to initiate some changes if necessary.

Good luck!

[Ladyjane14]

NEVER get married until you're sure. It's been over 20 years ago since I married my husband, but I remember that I found it to be more of a question on when than if. It was almost like a non-choice for me, I just KNEW it.

Problems get bigger over time. They don't just go away.

You have nothing really to lose by sharing your concerns with him. It gives him an opportunity to address them that he would otherwise not have. Non-action on your part at this time will likely seal the fate of the relationship.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. So, as nicely as possible, tell him to get his porky behind off of the sofa, and start proving to you that he is THE GUY.

[Owl]

Have you talked with him about what you're feeling? About why you feel what you feel? Its hard to do sometimes, but if you decide to end things with him, do so AFTER you've given him the chance to know and to fix the problems that exist in your relationship with him. You might also ask him what you might need to work on too.

You may have already done this, and if you've tried working things out but he's totally blown it off (either said that he wouldn't do anything about it, or agreed to but made no changes), then I'd end it with him. Do NOT get married!! Marriage does NOT solve your problems...if you bring problems into a marriage, they'll still be there unless you fix them.

Personally, I'd do MY best to make sure that I've done all that I can to fix a relationship before I ended it. Don't assume that he knows how you feel...us guys are pretty dense at that sometimes. TALK to him...be as pleasant as you can, but make sure that he understands that you are not happy in your relationship now, and it needs to improve or you can't stay. Just my thoughts.

[MassiveAtom]

This a clear situation of a guy being a clown! To put it nicely.

With this kind of behavior, you are well within reasoon to tell him, "no more."

It's really pretty clear cut, " Listen honey, I can't accept this lifestyle you seem to want to live. In fact it makes me angry and I don't like to be angry. I love to laugh, and feel good. I will be leaving on March 1st 2005, and getting an apartment in the city. Please don't call me."

If only any of what I just said had a modicum of humanity in it I would let it stand as is. The truth is this is a load! But it's what I got from my STBXW.

Imagine, leaving your husband who says things like "I understand how you feel, honey. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. If I were in your position, I'd feel exactly the same way you do. " , this same guy, gives you FULL body massages, brushes your hair "sometimes", and even makes dinner and gives you a regular day off from YOUR "job" with the kids. Is in great shape, makes an effort to improve himself regularly, and on the whole has a very even temper except when he's just learned you don't value any of it and are leaving in 1 month. Then he just gets sad.

Boy, I have to work very hard not to become bitter.

Still.



as always

MA