I've continued to be casual friends with the MM--just chitchatting at work, nothing else. (we work in the same (large) bldg. but not for the same company). He did start flirting again too--and the flirting increased recently. Then my bday came and we talked about going out for a cup of coffee. On my b-day, he asked me what places were nearby me and I told him that I didn't know if this coffeeshop was open yet near my house. (it was new but I wasn't sure if it opened yet.)
He said he'd just come by (my house) in a few hours. He ended up bringing some wine---told me I should have a drink for my b-day. We drank wine (I drank one glass and he had the rest of the bottle). We talked and we made out a little. While making out, he joked with me that I should just rape him so he wouldn't feel guilty.
We didn't end up sleeping together but there were a couple times he started oral sex on me (I still had my clothes pretty much still on though--he pulled down my clothes just far enough---sorry for the details). That's all that happened. I didn't try to go further with him and all the moves were made by him.
Then the next time I see him at work, he flirts with me a lot again. I see him a few days later at work (last week) and he's gone all cold on me again---acting very distant and businesslike. I remember this scenario happening the last time we made out (a few months ago). At that time, there was just kissing and maybe some touching (with clothes on).
Today he wasn't returning my calls (I called him twice about a question regarding a topic he knows a lot about). I wondered if he was getting cold again. (He later said that he was just really busy).
I saw him in the hall (but he didn't see me) and he went into the restroom. I thought I'd wait to talk to him. I waited and as he came out of the restroom these two other women walked by. They joked to him about the two of us just because they had seen us talking before. He told them that he was just helping me find a new job. They teased him about how flattering it must be for him to have me talking to him, etc... They made it sound like I was a schoolgirl with a crush. (which upset me).
I didn't catch him before he went into his office so I called him and told him we needed to talk and that I heard the convo and I was going to talk to those women. I went to talk to one of the women and told her how we were just friends. It turns out, this woman lives near him and sees him at the grocery store, etc..... Their kids are going to be going to the same school next year too. I wanted to let her know that I wasn't looking for him and also told her my age and status (since I look a lot younger than I am). I just didn't like the way she had been talking about me (like I was a silly little kid) and wanted to let her know it.
Besides he and I hardly ever talked near where he works. When we'd meet to talk, we'd go to an opposite end of the bldg. so she's maybe seen he and I talking twice.
I resolved things with her and she actually told me something interesting. She told me that he's a big flirt with everyone. (he had told me that he wasn't).
He called me and said he could meet up with me in a break room on another floor (suddenly he wasn't too busy). I told him what I'd heard and that I talked to the woman. I mentioned how she said he was a big flirt with everyone and how he told me he wasn't. He sounded a little defensive and told me that if they call just being friendly with people flirting then he guesses he's a flirt--and that he's just friendly with people.
I asked if he was blowing me off today and that he seems so moody. He said he's just really busy.
He said how he had to get back to work and sorta brushed me off---and made me feel like I was bothering him. I felt bad after going back to work and called him and let him know that he made me feel like he was blowing me off. He didn't care how I felt and tried to get me off the phone.
I feel really awful.
Any thoughts? (and please don't condemn me for making out with a MM).
Yes. I will not condemn you. I hope you are not offended by my pointing out the following:
* He is acting warm or cold depending on his desires at the time
* He'll act warm and caring if that is what it takes to get into your pants
* He'll act cold towards you to keep you at a distance when that suits him
* You have become the topic of disparaging gossip at work
* He does not admit your involvement with him
* He calls all the shots in this interaction
* All of the above leads directly to the result of you feeling really awful
This pattern is very easy to detect if you are outside looking in, but from your point of view I imagine the occasional attention feels rather addicting. I don't know your history, but I'll give you my standard advice: Avoid involvement with MM, because it leads to heartbreak. They are users by definition, because of their situation. You are getting used. You are also putting your professional credibility at risk. OW almost always suffer.
It will be hard to fully avoid the MM unless you change your job, so I advise you to do that. And then, look for a single man who can give you the full attention you require and deserve.
Please note: I consider you a worthy human being who has made poor choices and has allowed herself to be used. I expect you to insist on better treatment for yourself than this MM is willing or able to give you.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
Last edited by SoleMate; 11th January 2005 at 10:05 PM..
Reason: typo
He is probably ambivalent about his feelings toward you. I'm sure there is an attraction and quite possibly emotional involvement on his part ... but if he has any decency at all, he must temper that attraction and those feelings with the loyalty and commitment he must feel for his wife and family.
I came to LS not too long ago suffering from the same situation as you... only I thought (which I'm sure many women do) that my situation was somehow unique. It never ceases to amaze me at how similar our stories always are:
The MM is the only one you have ever felt this way about and he about you
The MM is in an unhappy relationship at home
The MM can't leave his wife for financial/ health/ other reasons
The MM runs hot and cold, off and on, here one day... gone the next
The MM professes his undying devotion to you one day and the next he acts as if he hardly knows you
Need I go on?
I am just coming off an "affair" and as many others on this site can attest... it doesn't get any easier. It just drags on and drags you down with it. So take our advice (which I doubt you will do because we all think our situation will be "different") and walk... no - run... away. QUICKLY.
You need to find the strength to break free from the intoxication, the addiction, the wonderful, magical feelings that this man can cause you to feel. For me, the strength came from right here. I would come here and read and read and read... I would feel all of the hurt and pain coming from the voices of all the other women who have battled this very thing. I would read and I would say to myself, "She feels EXACTLY the way I do."
I don't remember ever reading a case where anyone came here to say... "my married man left his wife for me and we are going to live happily ever after"... More often than not, the postings were full of pain, confusion, heartache, and disappointment. Oh, how I could relate...
I wish I could say I knew how to make him love you.. how to make him look at you "that way" forever... how to make him want you more than anyone on the planet.. but I don't. The one thing I do know is to tell you to protect yourself. Keep your heart closely guarded. Walk away with your head high and your dignity in tact.
Don't let him see you sweat....
__________________
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Affairs are easy to start, and very, very difficult to finish. Your affair looks like it's limping along, and is on the verge of heating up.
When the affair re-ignites, please remember this: In your MM's priority list you finish a distant third behind family and job. You're an easy fu#k, and your purpose is to add some excitement to your MM's otherwise boring life as husband, dad and breadwinner.
You're expendable. Why? Because he will never need you, love you and crave you the way you need him. This asymmetric need, plus gender, gives your MM great powers , which he will use to string you along for hot sex when he's bored or just in the mood.
You're a piece on the side to him, and forever will be.
Well those women can't do any damage because they don't work for either his or my companies. I think she realized that I could get her in some trouble by the stuff she was trying to spread and I think she'll back off. So I think that part's ok--the work situation.
What bothers me is how he can be so close to me and then so cold. That's what has made me feel so bad.
As for single guys, I give up. I don't find guys like him who are single. Seems his type (intelligent, funny , cleancut, successful businessmen) are all married. In fact, it seems most guys my age are married. I feel like I lost my chance by not marrying younger. Now, they're all married so I have no hope. Also, the type of guy I like (described above) seems to just see me as some fun. The only guys I get that want to get serious are not my type at all (scraggly, uneducated, etc...). I feel so hopeless about it.
Even a guy I dated last year (who I really liked) wasn't everything that the MM is. The guy last year was nice looking, cleancut, witty and a successful businessman only he didn't have something that the MM has--he wasn't affectionate at all. It seems that the MM had every quality I wanted and I've never found that before. (and not only that, the guy last year dumped me after I wanted more of a relationship and not just some casual dating---we'd dated six months---I think I ceased to be convenient for him).
Yes. I will not condemn you. I hope you are not offended by my pointing out the following:
* He is acting warm or cold depending on his desires at the time
* He'll act warm and caring if that is what it takes to get into your pants
* He'll act cold towards you to keep you at a distance when that suits him
* You have become the topic of disparaging gossip at work
* He does not admit your involvement with him
* He calls all the shots in this interaction
* All of the above leads directly to the result of you feeling really awful
Sure I could forget him but I know in the last five years I've been dating (since the breakup of a very long relationship)----that I won't find anyone like him again so might as well give up. I've met lots of guys in these past five year and no one was like this. Also, I don't LIKE that he's married---I don't need that thrill. When he first started to flirt with me, I wished he was single.
Quote:
It will be hard to fully avoid the MM unless you change your job, so I advise you to do that. And then, look for a single man who can give you the full attention you require and deserve.
I could avoid him---it's a big building. I don't plan on leaving my job because of him.
Quote:
Please note: I consider you a worthy human being who has made poor choices and has allowed herself to be used. I expect you to insist on better treatment for yourself than this MM is willing or able to give you.
Why do these types of guys never want me when they're single? (and now most of them are taken).
Last edited by stormywind; 11th January 2005 at 10:52 PM..
Originally posted by startingover1028
He is probably ambivalent about his feelings toward you. I'm sure there is an attraction and quite possibly emotional involvement on his part ... but if he has any decency at all, he must temper that attraction and those feelings with the loyalty and commitment he must feel for his wife and family.
I came to LS not too long ago suffering from the same situation as you... only I thought (which I'm sure many women do) that my situation was somehow unique. It never ceases to amaze me at how similar our stories always are:
The MM is the only one you have ever felt this way about and he about you
The MM is in an unhappy relationship at home
The MM can't leave his wife for financial/ health/ other reasons
The MM runs hot and cold, off and on, here one day... gone the next
The MM professes his undying devotion to you one day and the next he acts as if he hardly knows you
Yeah, that all sounds true.
Basically what I want to say regarding your post is what I just replied to the previous poster, so please see that post for my response. I should just give up.
I don't know if he'll just cold shoulder me now ---because I said some things in my last message that might have upset him. I said that I had thought he was a nice person but now he seems so cold and how I guess I was just a body to him.
Or---if he'll want to keep me on his good side because I have "goods" on him (so to speak) AND because now I am talking to this woman (in the bldg). who lives near him and can talk to his wife.
I think it scared him when I told him this woman said what a big flirt he was. Her son is going to be in school with his son next year and I think it probably went through his mind that his son will come home one day saying he heard dad was a big flirt.
I think it freaked him out also that I talked to this woman he lives by AND freaked him out that I overheard his conversation with her. When we were going back to our floors he hit 4 (my floor) and 8 (his floor). When it opened on 4, he got out and left me in the elevator to go up to 8 ! I hit the down button and went down to my floor (4) and saw him and he realized he'd done that. I think I got him flustered. I'm not sure what part did that but something did.
Do you think I'll get the chance to talk to him again? I hate how this was left--and I still have some things to say too.
Well, as they say, you pays your money and you takes your choice. Help me here...how can I point out the parts of your reasoning that to me seem so unreal...without seeming to condemn or disparage? Your r/s with the MM makes you feel "really awful" - yet you say that no other man could be as good?
How old are you? I must admit I don't honestly understand this "man shortage" of which you speak. Dr. Harley of <URL removed> suggests dating at least 30 men to find the one you can spend your life with. If you can't get Mr. Wonderful with a rating of 10 out of 10 on every parameter, then you may need to flex on some of the points. May I suggest , you need a man who is:
* Affectionate
* Witty
* Cleancut
* Financially successful
* Intelligent
* Well groomed
* Educated * Single
A man who loves you can learn to be affectionate. With your help, a man that you love could also improve his grooming and financial success. Etc. Nobody has it all. Diana Spencer thought she had a prince, and Jennifer Aniston had the sexiest man alive.
As an advice giver, I may be running out of steam on this topic. IMO, OW as a class are some of the most deluded posters on LS. If you just want to have sex at his convenience, or be used as a sounding board and unpaid marital therapist and stress reliever, and be ignored otherwise, and you can stand the humilation and deprivation, then MM are perfect. If you want a r/s that is a two-way street, and that actually leaves you feeling good, cared for, appreciated...a r/s where you can call him or visit him whenever you want...a r/s where you know he is your date for New Year's and Valentine's Day without even having to ask...a r/s where you are never snubbed or publicly ignored...then a single man is the ONLY way to go.
To hear the question asked over and over, "Why does this affair with a MM leave me feeling like sh*t?" sounds more and more like asking, "Why can't I breathe underwater?" IT IS INEVITABLE.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd February 2005 at 1:00 AM..
Reason: Removed external URL
To hear the question asked over and over, "Why does this affair with a MM leave me feeling like sh*t?" sounds more and more like asking, "Why can't I breathe underwater?" IT IS INEVITABLE.
Originally posted by stormywind
It seems that the MM had every quality I wanted and I've never found that before. (and not only that, the guy last year dumped me after I wanted more of a relationship and not just some casual dating---we'd dated six months---I think I ceased to be convenient for him).
Your MM will drop you too, as soon as you cease to be convenient, ask for more, or your novelty wears off.
"If you just want to have sex at his convenience, or be used as a sounding board and unpaid marital therapist and stress reliever, and be ignored otherwise, and you can stand the humilation and deprivation, then MM are perfect. If you want a r/s that is a two-way street, and that actually leaves you feeling good, cared for, appreciated...a r/s where you can call him or visit him whenever you want...a r/s where you know he is your date for New Year's and Valentine's Day without even having to ask...a r/s where you are never snubbed or publicly ignored...then a single man is the ONLY way to go."
How old are you? I must admit I don't honestly understand this "man shortage" of which you speak. Dr. Harley of <URL removed> suggests dating at least 30 men to find the one you can spend your life with. If you can't get Mr. Wonderful with a rating of 10 out of 10 on every parameter, then you may need to flex on some of the points.
A man who loves you can learn to be affectionate. With your help, a man that you love could also improve his grooming and financial success. Etc. Nobody has it all.
Early 40's. All the ones that have the qualities like I listed are married. I've been dating/meeting guys for five years now---very rarely are any close to this type.
In their 40's you can't suddenly make them affectionate, successful or well-groomed. All the ones that I see that are like that are married. I've met tons of guys in the last five years---way over 30 of them. So very, very few we of that type (at least where I live). Most are uneducated and not at all clean cut. And if I find one (occasionally), they end up with lots of major problems (which I can go into if you want).
Quote:
Diana Spencer thought she had a prince, and Jennifer Aniston had the sexiest man alive.
Just as an aside-----Jennifer Aniston and him got divorced over the having children issue--but I still think they had a good relationship---so the headlines say anyway.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd February 2005 at 1:00 AM..
Reason: Removed external URL
Just to give some background on me. While I'm in my 40's, I never dated that much until the past five years. When I was younger I was very shy and withdrawn and didn't feel too good about myself. I rarely got asked out---my first actual date was when i was 23.
I then met a guy I really liked and got engaged and lived with him for seven years. I walked out on him because he cheated on me.
That was five years ago and I've dated a lot since then ---thanks (in large part) to the personals---had I had the personals when I was younger, I probably would have had dates.
Also I had my nose fixed---so my looks have gotten better with age----from so-so---to attractive.
So, I guess you can say overall I'm a late bloomer but I have met lots and lots of guys in the past five years. I've dated a handful for short periods but most were bad news (alcoholic, player, commitment phobe, etc...)
So I feel like I lost out by being such a late bloomer. I see all these types of guys that are my type and they're all married.
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