[Suzanka]

I have been in a serious relationship for a year. My boyfriend and I spent 8 days on vacation together recently. We had sex at least once every day. I decided that while away I would discuss the future of our relationship. We both have one child from previous marriages and they are very involved with us. I want to marry this man not only because I am very much in love but also so that our children can feel a sense of security that marriage would bring. I have told him that I love him, he responds that he feels the same, but, has never said that he loves me. I told him that I needed to know that he was committed to this relationship and that I need to know if he thought that we would be married this year. He voiced that he was committed to us and that he didn't want a deadline but that he was thinking the same way. This past weekend which was a week since we had last slept together I assumed that we would end up in bed as always. He said that he didn't want sex he only wanted to snuggle. We slept in each others arms fully clothed.He wouldn't let me touch him intimately on either night. This unusual behavior has occurred twice before since we have been together. Is this his way of pulling away or is it possible he may have a sexually transmitted disease that he is hiding? In the past this behavior only lasted 5 or 6 days. He obviously isn't a good communicator. When I questioned him, which I did in a very gently and loving way he said that he was just tired. I don't buy that he is overly tired on two nights. Whatever I tried to do to excite him didn't change his mind. Any insight would be appreciated.

Did you ask him about it?

[Suzanka]

I only asked why he didn't want me. He replied that he was tired and just wanted to hold me all night. A friend was in a relationship with a man who had herpes and had hidden it from her. I wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable by asking if he had a disease he was hiding.

[LucreziaBorgia]

he has never said that he loves me

he didn't want a deadline

This is the part that you may be glossing over, and that you really want to be paying attention to. He is telling you something that will appease you, but its what he isn't saying that speaks loudest here. His withdrawal from you sexually is a direct reflection of what he isn't telling you.

You definitely need to talk to him about it. You cannot assume anything in situations like this. It sounds like a simple but sad thing: you want more from the relationship than he does and have put a deadline to him which will force him into a decision that he probably does not want to make right now. It sounds like he is withdrawing from you emotionally (represented by a sexual withdrawal) in preparation for making that decision.

This is how 'falling out of love' starts. Most people never notice it happening. If you are intuitive though, you begin noticing small things - things that are off and that you can't explain, habits that change, changes in sexual behavior, a chilliness in attitude that wasn't there before, (affairs often happen during this time, too) - and the next thing you know a few months later you are getting the "just friends" talk or the "I need time/space to think things out" talk. By that time, the emotional detachment is nearly complete. If you want to put a stop to the decline you will need to talk to him now and get him to talk to you about how he is feeling. Ask him if he is comfortable with the deadline and what he thinks of it really. You've already lost some ground, but it isn't too late. He still sounds like he is affectionate and caring - so you still have a good amount to work with.

[VirginiaBob]

"When I questioned him, which I did in a very gently and loving way he said that he was just tired."

Haha, now you know what if feels like to be a man. Our significant others (women) have been saying they are tired and have headaches for ages.

[zilverenvlinder]

Oh ,boohoo. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend in two weeks.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by zilverenvlinder
Oh ,boohoo. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend in two weeks.

Lol. Try going on four months - since before we broke up.

[VirginiaBob]

about 3 months here. Welcome to the club.

[Suzanka]

I'm not crying about not having sex for a week. It's not the norm for us and that is the problem. I do hope that your sex lives get better. Thank-you Lucrezia for your wisdom. The vacation we took was to meet his family so I'm not convinced entirely that this is the start of a possible demise. You are right though it is time to talk I don't want to be in a one sided relationship.

[imokurnot]

I see where your going with this. Everyone else is thinking emotions but you know that outbreaks of herpes can last x amount of days and have seen this behavior. Have you both been tested and shared results (obviously not)? I understand your worry and you just have to fuigure out a way to get the answer without him getting defensive or feeling like you don't trust him.

Have you looked for medication in his bathroom? Stuff like that is all I could suggest without you having to directly approach him about it. I had a friend that had/has it and he does that from what I hear. He just doesn't have sex during his outbreaks. That isn't the only time you can contract it though. Just before, and just after you can as well. You may be worried about nothing, but I see where your coming from. My other friends husband was cheating on her and he gave her herpes . Not fun so get your curiosity satisfied asap and hopefully you were worried for nothing and he was just really tired (two nights in a row).