Hi all, I am new to the board...but wanted to get some advice/opinions.
I am single and am taking a break from relationships...had my problems with men, so I have not been looking. A couple of months ago, a married man I work with started "visiting" me at my office....He's goodlooking, smart, and a with a good position so I innocently flirted back...feeling he is safe since he is married, and I don't want a boyfriend..so what the hell, right?
Well, as the weeks progressed, his visits became more frequent, he has started asking people I work with about me, I can already feel rumors start....being he is not too discreet about his visits....I now am starting to think about him more, which previously, was just a past time at work to have fun with....Yesterday he sent me an e-card basically saying he can't stop thinking about me. He has also what I thought to be "joking" about getting a divorce, which I give no credence to whatsoever at this point.
It has been very platonic, he barely even knows me, but I can feel something starting and I want to make it stop without embarrassing him. I'd be interested if he weren't married, but since is not the case, and I have been down this road before....I think I will try ignoring him...but not sure if that will be enough? Any suggestions?
Ignoring him will have him chasing you harder. Be honest with him. Say, I'm sorry if I led you on, but I don't want a boyfriend and I do not date married men.
No other thing will discourage him except a very firm rejection. Anything less than that will be seen as him having a chance, no matter how remote.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
tell him you are flattered, but to go away. people at work are talking cause he is an idiot, and you are not going to have your rep trashed cause he gets a hard on when he visits your office. tell him to pay as much attenetion to his wife.
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In life the answers are always present, the challenge is to associate the proper questions.
Ignoring him will not be enough. He might get it into his head that you are playing hard to get.
If you really are serious about not getting involved with him, then you need to tell him flat out that you are not interested in being with a MM.
If you don't tell him to back off and leave you alone then welcome to the OW board where you will write about your many frustrations, pain, and many tears.
My secretary is always throwing the fact that he is married in his face...and he gets very frustrated....Everyone knows what his motives are I suppose, eventhough I was in denial..I once even mentioned his wife to him, to be clear I know the scoop and wouldn't be interested...the day after, he starts spewing crap about getting a divorce. When he emails me, I always throw in the fact that we are FRIENDS...yet, he sends me a romantic card.
Originally posted by tattoomytoe
tell him you are flattered, but to go away. people at work are talking cause he is an idiot, and you are not going to have your rep trashed cause he gets a hard on when he visits your office. tell him to pay as much attenetion to his wife.
LOL He doesn't realize what a cold bitch I can be, but I kinda like him...or at least starting to....and it totally sucks...cause I need to stop it now before it grows.
Tell him politely, but firmly, that his attention is making you uncomfortable. Insist that he cease all non-work connections. Otherwise, you'll be forced to take firmer, and more embarrassing (for him), measures to stop the unwanted attention.
That will stop him dead in his "courting" tracks.
Any measures short of a threatened sexual harassment complaint will, most likely, be unsuccessful.
Any measures short of a threatened sexual harassment complaint will, most likely, be unsuccessful.
Omg...that is sad to think it would have resort to something like that....
It just amazes me that someone who is married with a beautiful wife (so I've heard) would act like such a school kid....and not pick up on my subtle hints to back off.
Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
Ignoring him will have him chasing you harder. Be honest with him. Say, I'm sorry if I led you on, but I don't want a boyfriend and I do not date married men.
No other thing will discourage him except a very firm rejection. Anything less than that will be seen as him having a chance, no matter how remote.
DITTO DITTO DITTO
please read some of the heartbreaking stories here about OM/OW relationships......
If you are deveopling feelings for this man....make sure you know the consequences.....none of them are nice......nothing but hurt and pain.
I suggest you make a firm stance that you are not interested in being the other woman.....its your best bet...cuase nothing good will come of this
When you are ready for a relationship.....then find a man who is NOT married.
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theres 3 sides to every story: yours, thiers and the truth
Since this is someone you work with and will perhaps have to continue interacting with professionally, the key is to be firm and clear without insulting him or going overboard with threats. If immoralist is right and nothing short of the threat of a sexual harassment suit will stop the guy, so be it. But I think there's an intermediate step you could take.
Tell him that you enjoyed flirting with him when it seemed to be harmless, meaningless fun. Now that it seems that you and he misunderstood each others' intentions, the flirting must stop because a) it's inappropriate, and b) you no longer enjoy it. Tell him there are no hard feelings on your side, that you know it was an innocent misunderstanding, but that going forward you wish to only interact with him in a civil manner and on a professional basis.
You don't need to tell him that you're not looking for a boyfriend. You don't need to tell him that you don't approve of his behavior, or that if he weren't married you'd consider seeing him. The more detailed your explanations, the more openings you give him -- in his mind, at least -- to convince you to change your mind. You know, you just think you don't want a boyfriend/he's on the verge of getting a divorce/etc. Let him know that you know the two of you weren't flirting for the same reasons, and that therefore the game is over. End of story.
Thanks everyone...I have read some of these stories...and it certainly brings me down to earth.
If he were to get a divorce, I probably would date him....but until that happens...I will need to keep reading here so I can keep it real.
I agree with midori: if there's a graceful (ie, intermediate)way to stop this incipient affair without invoking sexual harassment complaint procedures, go for it.
That complaint remedy should be threatened or used only when he persists in lavishing unwanted attention upon you despite your best efforts in telling him to stop.
Still, he's already blurring boundaries-- joking about obtaining a divorce is particularly tacky. And since he's already in the romantically obsessive ideation phase (or so he tells you) it might be difficult to convince him to keep it zipped through civilized discussion. For our MM, the affair momentum has begun.
Good luck heading off this married Lothario at the pass.
Originally posted by BoatingBabe
Thanks everyone...I have read some of these stories...and it certainly brings me down to earth.
If he were to get a divorce, I probably would date him....but until that happens...I will need to keep reading here so I can keep it real.
Well, today he approached me and asked If I got his card..and I said yes, and then continued my conversation with another coworker.....He then confronted my secretary when she was on her way to lunch to find out what my reaction was...she played dumb, as if she didn't see it...He didn't buy it..but he was desperate in finding out what my response was....Luckily she played it cool and told him I didn't mention a thing.
Before he left he came by my office and I wasnt there, but ran into him on his way out..I simply smiled and said nothing again...and he pinched me! then said he was leaving and good bye...
Something tells me this is not going to be easy...
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