Is a marriage inevitably doomed, after one spouse moves out and then back again?

DinNJ · 5th January 2005, 11:28 AM

Reason being, a close friend continually has had doubts about her boyfriend, now husband. She's never been happy with him, recently going as far as moving out of the house with her son to avoid an unstable life for him. Admitted she wasn't in love with her husband more then 3 times this past year alone....She recently decided to go back again and give it another try based on influences from her family/friends. I tried to give her advice to take things slowly, for the sake of her son and herelf, but she didn't listen. Now she's back and totally cut me out of her life. You may ask why I even care?? Well, the last time we spoke, she told me that she was in love with me, not him. So I'm just a little confused on how to handle this.

Ladyjane14 · 5th January 2005, 11:55 AM

You were involved with her before she chose to marry her current husband, right? She had a choice not to marry someone else, and yet.......she did.

These are her problems now, not yours. You can't help her with them, you can only created havoc in the marriage by presenting her with a distracting alternative to applying herself 100%.

She had her chance to be with you, and she didn't take it. Move on. Let her sink or swim. You deserve better than to be someone's second choice, wouldn't you agree? You're not obliged to be her friend anymore.

Actions speak louder than words, so STOP listening to her words.

If she divorces her husband, and you haven't built a relationship with someone new, then.......maybe you'll have something. Today, you got nothin'.

And to answer your question.......yes, it's not unheard of for people to reconcile their differences and build an even stronger relationship, even after a separation.

Good Luck to you.

DinNJ · 5th January 2005, 12:18 PM

Never said I was creating havoc in her marriage... in fact, I stopped contact with her when she said she was giving him another chance. Don't wanna be a homewrecker, cause I figured her ex will do that himself as he has done in the past. Of couse it's not unheard of for two people to reconcile after seperation... but that wasn't the question. The reason I was asking wasn't cause I have hope... she's just a very good, long term friend of mine who I don't want see hurt over and over again because she's confused, nor do I want to lose her as a friend. That's all. I have already met someone else and would like to pursue something with her. But I didn't want to lose a friend in the process... Forgive me for being concerned about her... it's all very 'fresh' and confusing for me. One day she says shes done with her ex and is in love with me, the very next day, she's giving him another chance. That's a little crazy...and unstable.

DinNJ · 5th January 2005, 12:37 PM

Never said I was creating havoc in her marriage... in fact, I stopped contact with her when she said she was giving him another chance. Don't wanna be a homewrecker, cause I figured her ex will do that himself as he has done in the past. Of couse it's not unheard of for two people to reconcile after seperation... but that wasn't the question. The reason I was asking wasn't cause I have hope... she's just a very good, long term friend of mine who I don't want see hurt over and over again because she's confused, nor do I want to lose her as a friend. That's all. I have already met someone else and would like to pursue something with her. But I didn't want to lose a friend in the process... Forgive me for being concerned about her... it's all very 'fresh' and confusing for me. One day she says shes done with her ex and is in love with me, the very next day, she's giving him another chance. That's a little crazy...and unstable. I agree, actions speak louder then words that's why don't want to be envolved with her. I do deserve better then to be a security blanket turned doormat.

LucreziaBorgia · 5th January 2005, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DinNJ
One day she says shes done with her ex and is in love with me, the very next day, she's giving him another chance. That's a little crazy...and unstable.

It isn't so crazy and unstable when you see all sides of the story. I would be willing to bet that she wasn't running to you, she was running from him. When it became apparent that the husband was going to fulfill whatever need she had that sent her running away, she ran back, leaving you alone. Love was not involved when it came to you, it sounds like - you were more to serve as a temporary destination until she got what she needed from her husband.

I expect that it is a pattern with them: he doesn't meet her needs, so she runs - saying she doesn't love him. Then he meets her needs (or convinces her that he will) and she runs back. She says that she doesn't love him, but it sounds to me that no matter how abysmal he may seem to you, there is something about him (good or bad) that she inherently needs: and she feels she can only have it with him - otherwise, she wouldn't be with him, regardless of outside pressures. It could very well be that she does love him but does not love the relationship. It may not be good, but for whatever reason she keeps returning. Unfortunately, you are the exception for her not the rule like he is.

Best to try to put together your heart and move on. It sounds so glib to say that, but it really is all you have left with this, unless you are willing to be crushed like that again.

DinNJ · 5th January 2005, 1:19 PM

I totally agree that she turns to me to find what she's missing from him. She did it last year too... just before the holidays... she came back to me expressing her feelings for me and was sure of herself that he wasn't the one for her. Her feelings for me were too strong. WHATEVER! cause she ended up marrying him. The reason she left him recently was because he supposively 'hit' her son. He's not the father. So she left, but now I wonder if that was even true and maybe she just made up the story looking for sympathy from me. It's actually her second marriage, the first one lasted a couple months. According to her she married for all the wrong reason. So maybe she's having a hard time leaving this one cause she doesn't want to be 32 and divorced twiced??? That could be a very big part of why she keeps going back to this guy over and over. Does she really love him??? I dunno... told me plenty of times throughout the year that she didn't nor will she ever. Even went as far as to say her marriage was a mistake and she should've listened to me. Either way, she disrespected me and our friendship. I can only care for her as much as she cares about me and from her actions... that's a big ZERO!