I am a terrible person. Before I met my H, I was dumped by a man I really loved. I felt so lonely, moved to a new city, and started to go back to school. My school ended up being a commuter school and it was difficult to build friendships in the beginning. I met a man who lived in my building who filled that void. He was reliable and took me out and paid for everything which was appreciated since I was on a severely limited income. We got along great as friends, but there was no physical chemistry. We fooled around and then I immediately dumped him because of the lack of desire. But we ended up hanging out again as friends. Over time, I ended up settling and gave him pity sex. It was totally unenjoyable, but I was so lonely and he filled my life in so many other ways. Even though the sex sucked on my end, he seemed to enjoy it which built my self esteem in a sick way. He's reliable and devoted, so I didn't have that knawing feeling that he would abandon me, and I could act like myself around him. Then, my apartment manager found out I had pets and was threatening eviction. At the same time, he was looking to buy a place. His bid was accepted and he asked me if I would like to move in and told me he would support me. I did, which was totally amoral. After I moved in, I got wrapped up in materialism, ie, decorating, rennovating, all that bull****, which blinded me from the fact that the foundations of a successful marriage weren't there.
When we started living together, he snored which was really aggravating which caused me to resent him. I would stay up until 5am until I was completely exhausted before I went to bed. I hated to be in the same bed with him. I didn't even like his natural smell, etc. I started to get a sleeping disorder and had to consult with a GP to get sleeping pills prescribed. I still take one every night because if I don't, now I get night sweats. At the same time, I would go to bed and when he was snoring loud, I would try to turn him/move him. This ended up causing him to get a sleeping disorder as well (ie, not feel rested in the morning). He went to a GP and they decided to go a different route. He had two surgeries from an ENT to elimate the snoring and his breathing problems, because I guess they would lead to sleep apnea.
The surgeries were successful for the snoring, but in the meantime, we had decided to sleep in separate rooms, him on the couch in the LR. After the surgery, we tried to sleep in the same bed, but neither of us could get sleep. His mind would race and I would feel so much resentment still. He decided to stay on the couch and about 2 months ago, we got a bed for him to sleep on in a separate room. He still suffers on and off from sleep disturbances and is on medication as well now.
While all of this has been happening, I have had 6 affairs. All of them are with men I am extremely sexually attracted to and are purely sexual. At first, I would have affairs when I was traveling, but recently started one in my own hometown. It was easier with out-of-towners because I could leave and not have any temptation to see them when I got back home. I hate to say this, but after I would get back from my affair, I would feel less resentment toward my H, act kinder to him, and appreciate him more. If I didn't have the affairs, I think we would be in a worse spot because I would probably tell him terrible things about how unattractive I find him, etc. Because of my guilt, I have pity sex with my H. Without the affairs, he would have no sex. With the most recent man, the sex was so incredible and he was so close by which created problems. I would have over 10 orgasms (not just in the beginning, but for over 3 months with the sex getting better and better) and when I was with him and we would dance together, wear costumes, do web cam (on his end), etc. It was all fantasy I am aware and I used the men just as much as they used me. The problems were that if I were interested in sex, I wouldn't have the pity sex with my H anymore like I did after my trips. I would just go over to the OM's house. I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with him, games we could play, etc.
3 days ago I discussed the possibility of an open marriage with my H. I told him that I was not satisfied sexually with him. He had told me that he was with 2 women before me, but at the time he confessed that not only had he only been with 2 women at the age of 27, he had only had sex 3 times total. He said that it is only a matter of learning, letting him know what I like, etc. How do I tell him that it is not only that. There has to be physical attraction and fun. How do I tell him that I don't even think he can learn because he is not intuitive and is stiff, formal, and repressed? He doesn't dance and has no flexibility, and when I have tried to take him dancing, he gets fed up and hates it. After being with men who are amazing A+ lovers, how can I go back to an F and be satisfied. With practice, perhaps he can be a D or C, but he will never be an A+ to me, ever.
I am so selfish. I know I have traumatized this man. He already felt inept with women and now he will feel even more inept when I divorce. He told me that before I start having an open marriage, which to him means being a chump/masturbating while I am out there having the open marriage, that we should seek marital counseling. I agreed and sent a NC letter to my OM. The counseling session is next week, but how should I deal with it. My H is going to want to start practicing having sex and I don't want to have sex with him. I already feel violated because I have had sex with him (like 1-2x per month) when I didn't want to out of pity. I showed no enjoyment yet he still kept doing it. I feel like a whore and I know I am one, you don't have to bash me that way. Now, should I be honest or not with him? I have 1 and a half more years of schooling before I can support myself, I feel trapped. I can try to be faithful for that long (unlikely at this rate) but the thought of having sex with him disgusts me. He wants to meet with the counselor together. I wish I could talk to this person alone first to tell him the real scoop. I don't know how to be honest with my H in a constructive way. At this point I would rather not say anything until I learn the healthy way to approach it.
What I ultimately want is to get out of this marriage without causing any more mental anguish to him. Staying in it will only deteriorate his self-esteem more because I can never be the adoring wife. I can't help my body language and my lack of lubrication. He told me that if I do decide to have an open marriage, he would still stay with me because the thought of going back to the single life is scarier than death and we have so many things that do work (ie, if we were roommates only, we would have a perfect situation). We support each other, I got him to stop smoking and drinking, and to become athletic. We enjoy hanging out together, even running errands. He also says that he enjoys having all of his coworkers marvel at how attractive his wife is. Amist the lies and deception there is a lot we both are getting out of the marriage which is why I don't look for emotional relationships with other men. However, ultimately that is not enough. I want to be with a man I feel physically attracted to, that I have both a physical and an emotional connection to. I know that cannot happen until I break free from my marriage. I am not delusional. Also, my H is fearful though with the open marriage I will meet someone and leave him so I realize the open marriage idea is not realistic.
Since he is "unschooled" in the finer arts of sexual behavior, I think its unfair to blow him off so easily.
Since you admitted that you are essentially prostituting yourself to him for a roof over your head, I won't bash you on that. You already know what you are doing.
Go to the counseling. If nothing else it will provide him a cushion when you ultimately leave him.
Babe he sounds like a really nice guy ,,,,how can i put this ....ok if you didn't wright this message and he was righting it about you how would you feel????????????
You oviouslly don't love him but want someone to fill the space of the x you did love but hun this is not fare on him there is people out there who can love each other as friends and honor each other without having a physical relationship "sole mate"
this is what he should be
if you don't deal with this you will not only hurt him but damage yourself,,,
sorry lov em xx
Originally posted by NuevaVida
Now, should I be honest or not with him?
I think you already know the answer to that.
Quote:
What I ultimately want is to get out of this marriage without causing any more mental anguish to him.
The mental anguish is already there. It just hasn't been addressed yet. It exists, and can't be indefinately avoided.
I can't imaging that your current state of self-loathing will be much improved by continuing on in the marriage with the full knowledge that you are just using this man. How will you enjoy the proceeds of your education knowing that you stole it at an innocent person's emotional expense?
Even though you listed some things that benefit him in the relationship, it's not enough to offset the fact that the emotional and financial assets that he is currently investing in you are wasted. He's not out in the world finding a woman that can love and enjoy him the way he deserves.
There is no reason why you can't meet with the counselor separately and impart the facts to him/her. It would be a kindness to your husband to put some planning into how you're going to cushion the blow for him.
If you ever want to feel good about yourself again, you'll need to STOP what you're doing. Stop taking his money, his security, his love. Get a job. Wait to finish school until you can pay for it yourself. Your feelings of "being a whore" won't go away until you can make restitution in full.
Quite being so damn selfish. It's women like you who give good females a bad name. I swear you must have some mental disorder to actually stay with this guy for this long and marry him, knowing what you feel. You used him, cheated on him, caused him mental anguish, made him have two surguries and now saying you want an 'open' marriage? Girl, there is NO marriage. It's you, using him as a sugar daddy. Tell him about the affairs and move out. Leave this poor guy to recover whatever diginity he has left.
Karma can be a bitch, and I truly hope it bites you in the ass big time. Why did your ex leave you? It's probably because of your selfish, unloving and uncaring ways. Here's a reality check. No one owes you anything, and to use this guy like you have is wrong. You won't get pity from me or probably most here. Go find a good counselor, you truly need it.
Stop complaining about being such a selfish, 'bad' person and do something about it. Take the steps necessary to free you both from this horrible arrangement.
Staying with him is bad for you, because you don't want to be with him. Staying with him is bad for him, because what you are putting him through will likely scar him for a long time. I'm sure that his insecurity with himself was one of the main reasons he took you in - you seemed like a secure thing to him: even when he knew that you did not love or want him - and don't fool yourself into thinking he was naive or didn't know how you really felt. Deep inside, we all know when we are not loved and wanted. We use delusion or denial to cover it up, but deep down we know. I'm sure he knew.
You both need counseling. Hardcore. You need couples mediation to help with the divorce, and you both need individual counseling to repair the individual damage.
I hope that through counseling, he can come to realize that he deserves a woman who will love, respect and desire him - and find the strength to grant you the divorce that you both really do need. There is nothing to reconcile or 'fix' in your relationship because your entire relationship was under false pretenses and a mutual symbiotic/parasitic need to be together.
Hopefully it can be done as swiftly and mercifully as possible. For both your sakes.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
you will never find one man who fullfills 100% of what you need. you'll be lucky if you get 70%.
so you divorce this man and marry a good looking man you're attracted to and have great sex but he is stupid or cant' hold a job or has affairs on YOU.
Originally posted by jmargel
Quite being so damn selfish. It's women like you who give good females a bad name. I swear you must have some mental disorder to actually stay with this guy for this long and marry him, knowing what you feel. You used him, cheated on him, caused him mental anguish, made him have two surguries and now saying you want an 'open' marriage? Girl, there is NO marriage. It's you, using him as a sugar daddy. Tell him about the affairs and move out. Leave this poor guy to recover whatever diginity he has left.
Karma can be a bitch, and I truly hope it bites you in the ass big time. Why did your ex leave you? It's probably because of your selfish, unloving and uncaring ways. Here's a reality check. No one owes you anything, and to use this guy like you have is wrong. You won't get pity from me or probably most here. Go find a good counselor, you truly need it.
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. That's two big paragraphs of you being angry and ONE little bit of advice........you don't identify anything she hasn't already said. Don't you have suggestions as to what might help her?
I truly truly do not understand why folks can't just end a relationship BEFORE moving on to the next one Seriously, what is sooo hard about it? Isn't it easier to tell someone "sorry, but this isn't working out, I want to end this relationship" than telling them "I've had numerous affairs behind your back, put your health at risk, lied and deceived you for years, etc" !
I agree that you should end the marriage. The best way is to be totally honest with him. Tell him you have been involved in affairs with six different men behind his back and have put him at great physical risk for STD's. Tell him that you enjoy having great sex with other men and betraying him behind his back consistently.
I am sure once you tell him this he will no longer wish to have anything to do with you. How very kind of you to treat a man who loves you the way you do. The best favor you can give him is to tell him the truth and allow him to find someone who will love and respect him as a man and a spouse. This is something you are incapable of doing.
One of the problems that's clearly visible is that you went from one committed relationship to another without taking time to emotionally heal and ended up marrying a man you felt no attraction to. Another one is that you've been addicted to dishonesty as a way of avoiding conflict. You need individual counseling for these and other issues.
Your H is an adult, so stop treating him like a child you are going to traumatize if you divorce him. Tell him the truth about you and your affairs so that he can start seeing that the image he's had about you is a lie, an illusion. This will make it a lot easier for him to let go of you. You don't want him to hate you and that is understandable [none of us likes to be hated] but his hatred of you may be what he needs in order to accept that the best thing for him is to divorce you and move on with his life. Your H may or may not recover from your betrayals but that is something you have no control of because only HE can choose to do so or not.
As far what to do, I'd like to suggest that you start finding a job and a place to live ASAP. I know the job market is tough out there but even if you were to graduate tomorrow, there is no guarantee that you would land a job immediately after graduation [unless you studies were in the health field]. So stop inventing excuses and start NOW. Not only would this move you in the right direction but it would be a source of emotional comfort in that you are finally taking responsibility for your own life.
Sorry to say this, but the damage has already been done and the only thing you've accomplished is to postpone the consequences.
TMCM
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
Last edited by TMCM; 5th January 2005 at 10:57 AM..
Call up the counsellor and say you want an individual appointment and that you do not want your husband to know about it. Then tell your wretched tale and ask counsellor to help you extricate yourself without doing further damage.
The terror of being alone I believe causes more trauma in the relationship world than anything else. It's what causes people to lie, cheat and steal (all of which are present in this post).
Is being alone really all that horrible? If she had a spine, she wouldn't be doing this to him, and if he had one, she wouldn't be continuing to do this to him out of fear of hurting him more. Its also a handy excuse to pretend that one is being noble when one is being skanky.
I for one would not want the courtesy of you doing me any favors by staying with me, cheating on me, using my efforts to pay for your existense and making me the laughing stock of every dude who gets access to what you promissed me alone.
Poor guy. Probably just needed a nice girl. Too bad for him.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Seriously, what is sooo hard about it? Isn't it easier to tell someone "sorry, but this isn't working out, I want to end this relationship" than telling them "I've had numerous affairs behind your back, put your health at risk, lied and deceived you for years, etc" !
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