[asbms18]

Dumped after 29 years

My husband of 20 years left me and our 4 children 3 months ago. Soon after he served divorce papers. I am still in shock.We had a very dysfunctional family.

Up until 5 years ago , he would drink and get physically abusive. He would get rough with the kids and in Nov of 99 it got so bad , I had to call police.He had punched two of the kids . One needed stitches.

Needless to say the trial was horrible for all. We tried to lie to protect him ,but he was convivted on all charges.We all started counseling and when he was released from jail we did all , all kind of therapy available.

We were proud on making it this far and staying together as a family.
In the last few years, things were getting back to the way , as before. Him being very domineering and overwhelming.He was still sober though.

To make a long story short , he left us for a friend of mine. She is 20 years older than him, and he moved in with her. She and her husband had divorced (something about his social security - he is disabled)but where living together as a couple.Now she sent him away so his family can take care of him , and she and my husband can live alone.

My husband is telling people that she is just a dear friend, but he goes walking downtown holding hands with her.Friends of my daughter used to ask, why is your dad always together with this old lady.

Things are so messed up. First in the divorce papers , he wanted full custody. Which is a joke , because he would never be able to get that , with his criminal record.But then ( which even hurts more) he sent an e-mail statin g that he will give me full custody.

I still cannot believe that he totally threw us all out the door. Even his 4 children for an old lady.

I am soo mad and angry , all I want is revenge. We stuck with him through so much crap and now he does that!
How can I get over these feelings of revenge. I fantasize how I could get him back in jail. I want him to hurt not only physically but also emotionally.

It gets my goat , he is seen shopping with her , pretending nothing is wrong. He did not even give his children any gifts or a lousy card for Christmas!

Any advice why I so angry? I should be glad to get rid off him.Logically I know that , but why would I still miss him?

Any advice would be helpful?
Can I get over this?

[hit the floor]

i am so sorry to hear this is happening to you....

we have somewhat similar stories, but i can sense your pain and confusion is similar to the path i have travelled.

you will not get the answers you seek from him or anyone else....sorry, but this work has to come from you. and trust me, this is a hard path.

you have choices: 1.) wait and see if he wants to come home 2.) repeat your cycle with someone else or 3.) learn, grow from this painful experience.

for years i did one and two, until July 04 --- now I am doing number 3 and it is a tough path, but one worth travelling.

it sounds like you could use some expert support, perhaps a local social service agency providing counselling would help --- not just for you, but the kids. my daughter has completely changed and it is so hard go through a separation, feel betrayed and be a great positive role model to your kids. don't be insulted by the referral to support. i am social worker and i go weekly to counselling.

years of abuse strip you of your identity. the worst thing about it is you probably didn't even know you were losing yourself.

go onto Google and check out Robert Burney - he is a codependent expert. you probably have more codependent traits than you think and he really has helped me understand my confusion.

now here is a thought for you: life is paradoxical by nature. what one calls the death of caterpillar, another calls the birth of a butterfly. Yeah it sounds looped, but you have re-focus. his leaving is his issues......you must focus on yourself. if he has gone through AA than you would be familiar with the Serenity Prayer. "Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change (like the separation), the courage to change the things I can (like how you are reacting) and the wisdom to know the difference.

no i didn't become spiritual overnight....when my ex left me and lied and still hasn't seen his daughter i was devasted. i lost a lot of wait, i called him all the time, ended up losing 2 weeks from work, i am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills and i go to therapy. i also cut - so this path i want you to take will be a process and it may take you time, but learn from this pain.

i really am thinking about you and hoping you hang in there......

[asbms18]

Thanks for your words. I really liked your focus on having choices.

Deep down I know - he cannot come back. My kids would be devastated. They are all in counseling. They do not seem to miss him. Their froiends are over all the time and my two oldest say, how much they enjoy coming home now.

What more do I want? There are so many good signs now but I still feel like such a loser. Losing a 20 year marriage to 65 year old ??? He is 45.
It seems pathetic but I still feel like I lost.

LOgically I know < that I should have left him years ago ,but you were right about all these codependence issues.
I will check out the author you suggested. I am so dependent on out side stimuli!

I hate being alone. Even though I have my children , I still feel lonely.

[InThisSkinAgain]

how awful that you even tried to lie for him when he beat your children.............that minimizes the integrity of how wronged they were by him, and additionally makes you a bad guy.


WHY protect a man who hurts your children?

You sound like trash. Your ex sounds like trash. Your children have very little chance of doing any better considering they were shown, by their own mother, that it was okay for someone to knock them around.

Good job.

If I sound unsympathetic it is because YOU are journaling here and not your children. They are the victims. YOU are a co-conspirator.

[Pendawn]

I'm sorry I have to agree with the last poster. Anyone who lies to protect a man who is beating your own children IMO doesn't get a lot of sympathy.

Stop thinking of yourself and your own needs and your pride at being passed over for an older woman and think of the happiness of your children. And do seek councelling because if you are attracted to this kind of man, another one will come along in time and you'll once again place your love for a man over the happiness of your children and put them in danger. Believe me, I've seen it happen. Get help.

[SadAndLonely]

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. You're the one who lied to "protect" him, when your duty as a mother should have been to protect your children. They follow YOUR lead. When my father hit me ONCE when I was two years old, my mother got a butcher knife and told him if he ever touched me again she'd kill him. Then she took me and left and divorced his sorry ass and pressed charges against him. That's what a mother who puts her children first does. You let him walk. I suggest now ignoring him and focusing your energy on your children and pray they don't end up like him due to what they've seen of his behavior. If I come across as mean I'm sorry (well, not really, but out of politeness I'll say I am), but I can't tolerate parents allowing the mistreatment of their children.

[Barby]

You sound like trash.

That was a little too harsh! It is a classic sign of an abused woman to stick by her man even when he does these types of things, there is NOOOO way I would have tried to protect him I would have had his a$s sitting in jail in a heartbeat but not everyone reacts the same.


To the original poster, please do not even think about taking this man back. As suggested you should seek therapy and from now on do what's best for your children first.


It's common to feel lonely especially after having someone in your life constantly for 20 years....I think you miss your daily routine and the void of empty space/time that he filled! Good luck and I hope you get to feeling better.

[hit the floor]

hey,

i'm sorry that some of your responses were not overly supportive. For whatever reason these things happened and they are in the past.....you must leave them there and release your guilt, in order to heal. Only you know the reasons you stayed or lied and i am sure at times, you feel overwhelmed with guilt for not taking control of the situation - but this is YOUR chance to make the difference.

yes, you must support your children in a positive way - but you must also take the time to deal with your cycles or they will repeat. your path will be long and at times you'll want to get off the path, but hang in there.

join a codependant chat line, they are a wonderful support line - as many have similar experiences. you need to deal with your pain and guilt in order to regain your control. you can control your emotions and redirect them. this will benefit you and your children and ultimately it will save you and your children. be the leader of the path and they will follow.....sounds crazy i know that 5 months ago when i was given this path i thought screw you guys i am hurting and i don't want to hear about paths --- trust me it will be through your pain and willingness to travel a different path that you will heal (in a positive way)

i wish you all the best, hang in there......

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by InThisSkinAgain
how awful that you even tried to lie for him when he beat your children.............that minimizes the integrity of how wronged they were by him, and additionally makes you a bad guy.


WHY protect a man who hurts your children?

You sound like trash. Your ex sounds like trash. Your children have very little chance of doing any better considering they were shown, by their own mother, that it was okay for someone to knock them around.

Good job.

If I sound unsympathetic it is because YOU are journaling here and not your children. They are the victims. YOU are a co-conspirator.

Who the hell are you to call her trash? You haven't walked one step in her shoes. It's more than obvious that you're one of "those" people up there on their high horses who've never been in an abusive marriage and you sit there in judgment about something you haven't got a clue about. Women in abusive relationships are so brainwashed and beat down emotionally that they often try to just keep some peace. Battered women often feel tremendous guilt when their abuser is charged..............it's understandable. That's why here in Canada, no longer is it the woman who presses the abuse charges.........it's the police or RCMP who do this because then the charge must stick and the woman can't "change her mind" and have the charges dropped.

What a fine way to start out the new year.........kicking an abused women when she's already down. You obviously don't have a clue about the complexities involved in a dysfunctional family when the father is an abusive drunk............do you know how many women are so f*cking afraid that when they go to court and testify that he'll end up out of jail later and kill them all? And do you know how many times these murders do occur? Get your head out of your arse before you go verbally abusing someone who's already had more than enough abuse for one lifetime.

[asbms18]

Thanks especially to the last 2 posters for their understanding.
The more hostile responses , I do understand , and I am sure if not caught in this cycle ,like I am / was I would react the same way.
I cannot make the past undone and I know I should have left him a long time ago.Thsi is my chance for making things right for me and the children.
I will now stand behind my children and stuff my wrongly felt pride of being dumped.
I have a few very close friends that have been supportive and I force myself to make this new year 05 the best it can be.
Even though I just say the words right now and go through the motions , I know I will get over this.
My ex- is making a fool of himself in public. People shake their heads when they see him with his 20 year older girlfriend holding hands.

Again thanks everybody for their responses and I will better myself and walk the "path" to a better and stronger me.

[hit the floor]

I am glad you decided to focus the positive responses. The last thing you need is to pile more guilt and grief onto your plate. The fact is you did the best you could at the time (Period). Yes, we can all look back and say, "oh $hit, i shouldn't have done that" - but it is done.

The decision to move along a different path is difficult and strange. If you google "joy2meU" (I think that is what it is) it take you to a web site that will really help you sort out a lot of your thoughts.

It will not be easy to change your behavioural pattern overnight, it will require work AND TRUST ME at times, you'll want to throw your arms up and say: screw this....it is too damn hard and too damn unfair.

But if you do your work now and grow from this you will be the better of the two. Your ex is not dealing with his issues and he will repeat his patterns....you however will break the cycle, hurt, grow, hurt, grow and find a new space within.

The lonliness is coming from your 20 years of taking care of him. You focussed on him and now you lack the coping skills to deal with your stuff - I have the same problem....him....him.....what is he doing??? does he think of me.... and it's been six months for me. It is learned behaviour therefore it can be changed.

Take Care

[Mr Spock]

Think of it as being freed from a relationship that you didn't have the power to end, not being dumped. Please try to understand that a dangerous man who injures your children isn't worth having around.

[asbms18]

Thanks you ladies . 'Hit the floor" your background sounds so similar too mine.ANd I am so appreciative of your advice.

LAst night I drove with my 14 year old daughter just around the block. She said she couldn't sleep the night before and just kept crying. She said, she could not understand why she is hurting so much. She always wnated her Dad to be gone , and now that he is gone she is still sad. While talking to her , I realized that we both felt the same dilemma. On one hand we know this is better and on the other hand it hurts to be rejected.

We both cried and we just kept driving. I was glad she was so open to me.I told her we just need to remind ourselves that this can only get better. We have a better future ahead of ourselves. Me going to nursing school
( half way through)will give me an excellent career and financial independence.He is still an uneducated handyman.His 20 year old "girlfriend" will not get any younger or better looking!( We both laughed)

We decided that we will not let this take us down and even though we are sad we will survive without him. He is just waiting for us to fail , but we will not give him that satisfaction.

My three boys ( 19,18, and 11) seem not to miss him at all.

Another day almost over and hopefully getting closer to a new dawn