I read my MM's wife's recent letters to him about their relationship!
As I mentioned on another post recently, my MM spent this week with me. He left tonight to reunite with his wife and children at his parent's house after he completed his work week here at home. (He had been there at X-mas but had to come home for the week to work). We had a great time together! Last night we went to his house....he let me rummage through stuff. I found the "letters" she wrote to him. He let me read them.......
I now know the truth of how SHE really feels!
I must admit, some of what he has told me about their relationship is TRUE!!! She apologized for the lack of sex life they have, apologized for not being a good wife for the last several years, not paying attention to him. I think she went a bit overboard though. She actually made it sound like she believed he had a reason to cheat on her and she felt bad that she let it come to that. He had made a list of needs, she did too. When I orig. asked him if she had, he told me no. Well, that was one of the lies......Her list was simple. Pledge your fidelity. Be honest. Kiss at least 30 sec. every day, compliment each other once a day, have lunch once every 2 weeks, have a date night once every 2 weeks, let the other sleep in once every 2 weeks, she would initiate sex once a week, role playing and toys were ok with her (he had requested this).
His was extensive and she addressed every one of his requests. Many she agreed with and was willing to go along with. He had told me that she wasn't willing to do a lot of the things or go along with many of his requests, but she really was. He told me that she only loved him "site specifically" like when he was with the kids playing. But she told him she loved him and wanted to make their marriage work. She did however tell him that if he could not be monogomous that he should leave and be happy in a relationship he desired with someone else. Her letter was very calm and collected. She did suggest seeing a mediator, I had suspected he made that up. Although, they didn't ever wind up really seeing one....The thing is....all these requests (he says) have never reached fruition. The letters sit on top of the dresser under a stack of other misc. papers. He said he should frame the letters and put them on the wall, so I know he kinda does want their relationship to improve.
What I can't understand is that why aren't they doing these things now that they have been open with each other? He tells me that he has no desire to stop seeing me, says he can't help himself, but he pledged his fidelity to her in his letter! He does say he will not leave her, and as I have mentioned before, I have made my peace with that. He is now just one of the guys I see, not THE guy. I now see him for what and who he really is.....selfish and self centered. But because I am not his wife, I don't have to live with him so I only get the good parts of him mostly. After being with him for the better part of the week I don't think I would be able to tolerate his behavior either. I feel bad for her....she really does love him. But since I already have a relationship with him beyond just the sex part, I find I don't want to let him go completely. He is my friend and my mentor, not just my lover. I wish I could somehow lose my attraction to him so we could "just be friends", I would really like that. I am slowly trying to wean myself, but like any habit.....he's hard to break.....
Typically I tend to give the OW a fair shake in these posts, but I'm sorry, I felt sick reading your post.
What I CAN'T UNDERSTAND is how a man could let his OW read his Wife's letters to him. Letters written to try and save a marriage. And yet he spends a weak with you when his wife is trying to mend things.
How can you sleep at night knowing the torment you are causing his wife and family?
What kind of man would strip his wife of this last bit of dignity? Letting his OW read private letters is disgusting. What kind of man would then pledge fidelity AGAIN to his wife and then sleep with someone else. My god, do you know who you are sleeping with? A poor excuse for a man. A lying, cheating, bucket of scum. That is who you are sleeping with.
I don't think a man like that would ever be faithful. So be careful for what you wish for.
These letters were written several months ago but according to him, neither of them actually have discussed the content. I don't know why he allowed me to read them either, I think he really just doesn't think about it being so personal since I am the one who initiated the idea (to him) of writing the letters in the first place. I told him to do it and see what her response was, I was trying to get him to not want me and I thought I felt like I could somehow fix their marriage from what I had learned from why mine fell apart . But it's like they are just too passive to really do anything about their feelings either way. So there they are.....reverting right back into their "Stepford' like life.....and taking no action one way or another. She just lets it go as long as he hides it well enough. he says she will never leave him, I think he is right. Too many years invested, 3 small children, lots of hard assets. She concentrates on her work, the kids etc..... He plays the "perfect husband" role, except when he's not with her.
Yeah, I know what he is.....but to look at him.....you wouldn't believe or want to believe it. He's def. eye candy. But also extremely intelligent and also very supportive to me. Aside from his lack of morals, I really do believe he has some attributes. He has helped me see that I have personal and professional potential beyond what I imagined. He's my motivator.....he really does want the best for me even if it means leaving him. That's the unselfish part about him, but it's a part I think I only know.
Last edited by Patiently waiting; 31st December 2004 at 1:25 AM.
So are they trying to mend thier marriage or are they just ignoring the probs they have? Also, does she even know about you (I'm sorry, I'm new and unfamiliar with your story.)
Originally posted by scarletibis
So are they trying to mend thier marriage or are they just ignoring the probs they have? Also, does she even know about you (I'm sorry, I'm new and unfamiliar with your story.)
She knows who I am, we met once. But he tells her that he is just a flirt and that he has mostly women friends. I don't know if she thinks he is sleeping with me or not. I don't think she wants to know. I think she would rather believe what he tells her so she isn't forced to deal with it. I am not the first affair, he has had an internet/phone affair and a few short lived sexual relationships, some of these women he is now friends with, but a flirty friendship sorta. He can't ever let anyone completely go it seems. She knows of the friendships, but not of the part that went beyond that. Although he told me that he did recently admit to her that the friend from the internet participated in phone sex with him in the beginning. He said, she said as long as he hadn't slept with her, that was ok, but she would like to also get to know his friends if they were that important to him. (he never had slept with the internet affair (lasted 3 years, 7 years later they still chat here and there) she lived over 3,000 miles away and was married also).
Originally posted by Leaf
PW, Please be careful. How long have you and the MM been together?
I was wondering the same thing? Has this been a long standing affair? Also, do you trust him to tell you the total truth (good or bad!)? I'm not trying to imply that you shouldn't trust him either...I trust my MM totally and do believe what he tells me. I just thought keeping around all these ladies hes had past affairs with is a tad odd..but no judgements!
This January we will have been together a year. But in the beginning we had different motivations for being together. I was at the end of my marriage, looking for a new relationship. Although I thought he was too, all he was looking for was some extracurricular activity. I am the first relationship he has had outside his marriage that he says "got outta hand". He said he never really expected to have actual feelings for me, just wanted to have fun with someone like himself. He misunderstood me, I was not like him. I thought he was in the same situation as I was.....or so he made it appear. I was so naive, I hadn't even thought about the possibility that he wouldn't want to ultimately be with me. Why start a relationship in the first place if you weren't even entertaining the thought of carrying it through. Boy have I learned a lot about men over the past year! Wish I would have known about LS a lot sooner!
But now that I understand where he stands, I'm not going for the gold ring anymore. I approach our relationship as just a good friendship with some added benefits. I was expending waaaay too much energy on something that was a lost cause. Yeah, I still have my jealous of the wife moments, but logically I know that is ridiculous for me to feel that way. He belongs to her, not me. I'm just leasing him.
No offense but I could barely read through your post without thinking to myself just how SICK it was that he would allow you in his/HER home - and let your "rummage through things"........that is just plain wrong...........it's one thing if you 2 want to play hide the salami and whatever else it is that you do (which isn't right but by comparison)....but it was just plain wrong that he would take you into THEIR home while she was away and obviously unaware that *you* are there reading through these very personal letters. How could you even do that? How could you go into their home like that? Did you sleep in their bed, too? This is too much. Don't either of you have even a shred of respect for this woman? What has she ever done to you? And what the hell has she ever done to him to deserve such blatant disrespect? Her marriage has already been violated...now her own home and personal private things? Did you both have a root through her panty drawer, too?
Last edited by indigo_moon; 31st December 2004 at 6:01 AM.
The lies, all the damn lies. Your MM has lied to you about his wife's feelings for him and he's lying to her about his fidelity pledge. On top of the multiple deceptions, he allows you access to his wife's intimate, heartfelt, last ditch attempts to save her marriage. That poor woman was raped and doesn't even know it.
The most pernicious aspect to the affair is not the sexual betrayal--it's the emotional betrayal as the wife becomes a mere "other" or outsider in her own marriage --a straight man for the MM/OW comedic duo. The wife becomes a "joke" --a third class citizen in her own marriage. Her feelings, her sincere desire to save her marriage become mere affair fodder to further bind the OW to her MM.
It's one thing to betray a spouse, quite another to humiliate her.
Sorry PW but you also made a very nasty disgusting choice...you should NOT have gone to HER home, you should NOT have read her letters to him IT WAS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! You were very wrong and I'm sorry but one day you're going to get your's!
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That poor woman was raped and doesn't even know it.
Yes she was violated and humiliated and exposed and it wasn't fair because she doesn't know, she had no way to defend herself, hide her stuff (which she shouldn't have had to) or anything! How pathetic some people are!
You said he is telling you that he is "still friends" with the women he's slept with..and you're buying that? He's telling you the same things about the other women that he's telling his wife about you....can you not see that? Or do you not care?
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~ What did SHE just say (and she said it out loud)?!?~
Love is an easy word to say. Make him prove it with his actions.
he never had slept with the internet affair (lasted 3 years, 7 years later they still chat here and there) she lived over 3,000 miles away and was married also).
Sounds like he's keeping his options open there...
PW, I'm not judging you here, just hoping to help you make a tough decision in your life. By the tone and content of your post, it's apparent that you've come to see the wife in a different light after reading her letters. Can you not see what a scumbag your MM is? He obviously doesn't have an ounce of respect for anyone else. Not his wife, not you- no one. I urge you to just walk away from him, ASAP. You owe this player nothing, not even a goodbye. You sound like an otherwise decent person caught up in a truly bad situation. Realize you're causing this poor woman great pain needlessly. I'm sure the right man is out there for you. Just have the courage (and class) to make the break and go out and find him.
__________________
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Russell Baker (1925 - )
Like I said, I don't take him seriously anymore as a possible perm. relationship. I understand he is not worth the effort or the energy in that way. Aside from his shortcomings, he is very supportive, and encourages and motivates me to become the best person I can be personally and professionally. He is my friend. We just have the added benefit of being very sexually compatible as well. I know he is not the most moral person in the world, but I have no real vested interest in him anymore so I don't concern myself with that part of him. He gives me what I need right now and vice versa.
Originally posted by immoralist On top of the multiple deceptions, he allows you access to his wife's intimate, heartfelt, last ditch attempts to save her marriage. That poor woman was raped and doesn't even know it.
I cannot believe he let you into his home, to look through his and her things, to read her most personal, private thoughts, that should remain in their marriage - not to be shared. He is shameful. You should be embarrassed as well for willingly participating in these shinanigans. I hope he hasn't shared the same things about you to her...Have you written him any love letters? Doesn't matter, I doubt he would keep your deepest secrets private, even if he "pledged" to you he would keep them.
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It's the emotional betrayal as the wife becomes a mere "other" or outsider in her own marriage --a straight man for the MM/OW comedic duo. The wife becomes a "joke" --a third class citizen in her own marriage. Her feelings, her sincere desire to save her marriage become mere affair fodder to further bind the OW to her MM.
Usually, I think, as long as a couple is married, they are married, and you, the OW, have no role in THEIR decision to work and save the marriage or let it go. But here, you are taking active steps to try to destoy it. Sure, he can decide to F up and sleep with you, but what you are doing and did by engaging in this evedropping (sp?) on her heart's deepest desires is absolutely shameful.
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It's one thing to betray a spouse, quite another to humiliate her.
And usually, I can go out on a limb and say that OW isn't the one perpetrating the harm on W...that the harm is caused by H who betrays his W. But here, you have gone too far. He has humiliated her, and so have you. You are now just as bad as he is.
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How pathetic some people are!
What did SHE just say (and she said it out loud)?!?
Love is an easy word to say.
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