[CA20]

I was reading another post and thought about a statement made 'sometimes we look back at our ex and the relationship through rose colored glasses'..and I thought, how true...why is that? in the relationship I just got out of, me and my ex fought constantly about something, we could not go to dinner, or even play tennis without getting in a fight and it escalating into one of us leaving or getting mad....there were more apologies in the relationship than anything I have ever seen, yet now that we are done, my mind literally will not let me think about those bad times....I can only conjure up positive images for some reason....the times we made love, or sat around and actually got along and had some fun, the times we went to the beach...those were great times, but unfortunately the bad outweighed the good....but for some unknown reason my mind will not let me think about the bad times and the reasons I SHOULD BE GLAD its over...instead, I can only think about why it SHOULD NOT be over....is that weird, and does anyone else have this problem?

Thanks, Merry Christmas to all!

[VirginiaBob]

Sort of, I'm thinking of the good stuff, but at the same time, I'm making a point of thinking of the bad stuff. It takes effort to think of the bad for some reason. Let me list them again now that I'm on the subject:

saggy boobs
brown teeth
bad breath
moles all over her body
stretch marks
never happy
controlling
hypocrite
liar
damaged goods
ex-husband to deal with
kids from ex-husband to deal with
worst possible mother-in-law if we married
left me right before finals
left me right before the wedding
took out bad stuff that happened at work on me and her kids
divorce-proned
non-committed
purposely hurt me
used me for money
manipulative

this list could go on and on now that i think of it

[CA20]

While your at it, let me compile a list myself:

controlling
selfish
no self respect
damaged goods ( big time -save that for another topic )
hardly anything in the boobs Dept.
bad temper
judgemental
unforgiving
snobby
unstable
vain
lack of self esteem /self worth
easy
irrational
used me/ money
hypocrite

shall I go on??

[VirginiaBob]

I'm curious about the damaged goods item, do tell!

In my case she was married and had kids which resulted in her body being all nasty. Not to mention the psychological effect the divorce left on her making her a man-hater and never happy.

[alphamale]

Yes I call this Selective Positive Recollection or SPR. Is is common and normal. For some reason the mind tends to recall the positive vs the negative cause this increases the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain. And these 2 chemicals (among others) make us feel GOOD. The brain likes to feel GOOd, not BAD.

You are not alone in suffering this innocuous malady.

[CA20]

Well, as far as the damaged goods thing goes...well, here it is:
we were well into the relationship, about, oh I would say 8 and a half months....so one day we had just, um finished, and she was in the bathroom getting ready to go with me to get something to eat, and I was sitting on the end of the bed putting my shoes on, and she goes ' would you be OK if I told you something?' and I said ' well, it depends, is it bad?' and she says ' well, no I don't think it is ' so she proceeds to tell me this: ' I Have been with 23 people while I was in college' WOW. To say I was floored would be an understatement.
She went to the University of Alabama, I went to the University of Florida ( Go Gators!!! ), so I know how it is, but she went for only 2 years...she went to a little community college in her hometown for a short time before that, so all that in 2 years??? I felt like, you know, we are well into the relationship so I cant bail on this fact alone...I felt like I would be seen as insecure in myself.....but anyway, I asked her why so many? and she said she was known as a good time girl and all that ( and she does not look like the type of person to handle herself in that manner, she was very sheltered in her life, and I think she let herself get a little out of hand down there )....anyway, I just sat there and was stunned by this revelation, and it was never brought up again....she never cheated on me, but thats why I feel she used a half-@ss excuse to end things, because she missed that college life.....its sad...thats why I said she has no self respect, esteem, or self worth....because she simply does not.

I went to UF and know how much partying can go on, and I am not saying I am some angel.....but in my humble opinion, thats excessive, almost troubling.

[azzer2000]

Was that last bit true (spr) or just made up

[CA20]

what bit? everything I said is true.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by azzer2000
Was that last bit true (spr) or just made up

that was made up

[CA20]

The last bit was all true...yes, it is unreal, but she told me that she had been with that many people....its quite excessive, I know...but that is what she said, honestly. It rattles around in my mind all the time, and had been everyday since she told me.

[VirginiaBob]

Agreed, 23 ramrods in her in two years is quite excessive, that's an average of 1/month. The funny thing is that the fact that she told you probably means that she is actually proud of that fact and was in a way, bragging about it. I was only my ex's second, but then again she probably did it a lot of times with the first due to a 7 year marriage. When she pulled out the crotchless panties and the vibrator one day, i was like, woa, a little experienced for just being with one person.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by CA20
I was reading another post and thought about a statement made 'sometimes we look back at our ex and the relationship through rose colored glasses'..and I thought, how true...why is that?

Because some small part of your heart is still infected with the relationship.

I had a similar thing going on. I was supposed to be married to this guy I started seeing at the end of college - we dated a few years, and the night he was supposed to propose - he broke up with me instead. I was destroyed. After it was over, all I could think about were those things I missed: the good times. How he'd do this weird thing with his chin, our injokes, how his body looked, how his hair had soft curls, how his skin smelled, how passionate we were in bed, the music we loved, etc. etc. Man, I would cry when I thought about that. I'd get wrenching chest pains: physical manifestations of grief at what I'd lost.

That went on for a while. Some part of me was still in love with him, thus the attacks of 'flashes of poignant sweet memories'. After a while, they faded and I began to see those memories for what they were: attempts by my mind and heart to block out all those really bad things going on in the relationship. How we fought. How emotionally immature we were. How miserable we were at the end. All the mean, cutting things he would say. How sarcastic, wishy washy and hypocritical he was. How he looked down on my family and mocked their simple 'southern' ways. How petulant and spoiled and irresponsible he was. I was not much better than he was. We were terrible together.

Then after a time of remembering bad things, those began to fade too. Then eventually all those memories - good and bad - became just indifferent. Neither good nor bad, just history. That's when I knew for sure I was over him - when all the memories faded to indifference. Then I dated some and eventually met the man I'm married to now.

All I can say now is that there is no end to how thankful I am that he dumped me. It never occurred to me that I would be happy in the way that I am now. There is no way on the face of the earth that I would have been this happy with him, no matter what I thought at that time.

[CA20]

Yes, I know....from what she said, they were mainly one night stands....not actual relationships...she said she knew what she was doing, and that she enjoyed it...and when she told me, not one bit of regret or maybe I should not have done that type of attitude was present....she was so nonchalant about it...it made me think...you know? I got tested, as did she, and everything was fine, but I tell ya....it shook me when she told me that...I thought ' I am going to marry the town w****.

[VirginiaBob]

Gosh, if you think about it, 1 out of every 2,000,000 men (not including boys and ederly) in the US has had sex with this women. Kind of weirds you out, doesn't it.

[Troubled Heart]

I made a list of the bad things too. It was hard to start, but once I did, it was really easy to list things I didn't like about my ex. In fact, I read over the list when I can't stop thinking about our relationship. Instead of wondering what went wrong, I focus on what things are "wrong" with him. Its sort of mean but at the same time, very therapeutic to know that I'm not the only one with faults.