[mariavidov]

I need some help. My wedding is due to happen in 3 months. I am getting nervous. We have been engaged for about a year now. Initially, my fiancee was spending a lot of time with his own friends, not including me, sometimes drinking with them or whatever, or just hanging out. He also works a lot because he has his own business. When we had other commitments, like family or friends, he would often get stressed out, like it was too much pressure. Same with wedding planning. So a few months ago I said let's take a break, you don't seem committed to this. He panicked of course and then things did improve, but not greatly. So this has happened again, when now I am panicking. He spends, it seems, a lot of time alone with his single male friends, and never invites me along. A few times it has happened where he won't answer his phone when he's with them, because he doesn't feel he needs to answer to me. He has sometimes referred to "too many rules and regulations" which I don't understand. I expect commitment and honesty between us, and a close friendship, I have never imposed rules. I just don't think that this close to our marriage, we should be having these problems. He says things would change after marriage because he knows he can't spend time with his friends as much. We don't live together and weren't planning on it until after our wedding. Anyway, I am nervous and scared, and resentful that I am going through this now because of his behaviours.

[mariavidov]

NB When I talk to him about ending our engagement or postponing our wedding, he acts like he is in denial. He refuses to address not marrying me, he says he loves me and will do whatever it takes. It seems in his mind he will absolutely not accept a breakup. But because his behaviours have not changed enough to make me comfortable, I am scared now.

[jmargel]

Have you talked about him spending too much time with his friends over you? Why can't you get your friends and all join in? Also, you may look into marriage counseling, its always good that two people do this before getting married. Also, living together.. I wouldn't marry someone unless I lived with them first, because you see so much more of a person when you do (not just physically) either.

Each of you have to respect each other's space and time with other friends, yet you can't abandoned your soul-mate in the process. You need to find a compromise in this, just like every other argument or disagreement you two will get into.

Don't go about threatening the marriage, etc.. unless you will back it up. When you do this, it makes it look like to him that you don't value the relationship enough to come to a compromise. You are basically telling him its my way or the highway. Hope this helps.

[Debster]

It is normal for there to be more tension and stress when you are planning a wedding. I wouldn't worry too much about that as long as you two both treat each other with respect.

My husband and I are big ones for giving each other space. He goes fishing for a weekend or plays poker with the boys or plays video games. I have dinner/drinks with friends, go see movies, shopping etc. These are things that add to our relationship. We come back together eager to be back together. I don't believe in restricting your partners activities and/or not giving time alone or time with friends as long as you both put each other first and there is trust and respect for the partner and the relationship.

IT sounds to me, by your post, that your fiance feels a bit smothered and is escaping to be with his friends. I think you, in return, are feeling as though you are playing second fiddle and he isn't spending enough quality time with you. My suggestion? Plan time to be together where the two of you can focus on just enjoying each other. TRy to keep all wedding talk and stressful stuff out of this time period.

Good luck.