I'm almost 3 weeks removed from being dumped. I had a really rough time at the outset but over the past week I had some brief, yet strong moments where I thought I was taking some small steps forward. That came crashing down heavily today. I work with my ex and though I don't have to see her everyday, there are times where we do have to be close together and today was one of those days. We kept our relationship a secret to coworkers because it would have been against company policy for her to date me because of her position. So today I got the excruciating pleasure of hearing her talk to our colleagues about the new guy she is seeing. And as far as they know, this is the first guy she has been dating in nearly 2 years. So our colleagues are all extremely happy for her, joking around with her and stuff. All the while I sat there silently with a dagger in my heart.
So I had to push everything I was feeling way down inside as I went about doing my work. The day lasted forever. As soon as I could get into the safety of my house, I broke down crying uncontrollably. It was perfectly horrific...hearing about what they do together, and how clearly happy the new guy makes her. It all served as a huge reminder of the happiness I was unable to give her... the reason why we aren't together anymore.
I know working with her makes No Contact difficult, and yes I also know what a bad idea it was to have dated a coworker. I normally wouldn't have done it if I didn't think she was worth it, which she was and is, which is why I am having such a hard time letting go. And the thing is, even if I could have no contact with her, I am not sure I would want to. For some reason, I WANT to know about what she is doing and who she is seeing. It's like, if I don't know, I start imagining it in my head and that is far worse than the truth.
A part of me knows this is just a relapse. But then I start to wonder...even down the road when I am OK, will I always have days when I am just in excruciating pain? Will I never be entirely OK ever again? My ex is an amazing woman and when we were together, I always felt like such a lucky guy. And now that she is gone, I can't curse myself enough for letting her slip away.
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Last edited by SpaceCoyote; 13th December 2004 at 3:06 PM..
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
SC.. I'm sorry you've had a not so great day
While I don't know the circumstances of your break up with this girl.. I will say this.. in time you will feel okay again, and happy again in spite of or regardless of what she is doing or whom she is seeing.
I do think it was cruel of her to carry on at work about her new relationship when she knows what had happend between the 2 of you.. and she knew you could only sit there and suck it up in silence.
Eventually there will come a time when what happend doesn't matter anymore.. and you have someone else in your life that makes you happy.
Hang in there
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Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
I have every sympathy with what you're feeling, although I don't see my ex I still hear from his friends what he is doing (I haven't heard about anyone else YET).
I'm sorry I can't give you any magical formula for feeling better but you're not on your own. It's been three months for me and I'm only just starting to feel better about things, these next couple of weeks are going to be hard because they were dates I was spending with him that were drummed into me.
You WILL feel better, some things will make you feel as though you're going backwards but it will fade. I don't know if it will ever go away but it gets easier.
Cry all you want, it really does help. There were a couple of nights I'd bottled things up and just had to let it go. The only way I could do it was crying.
Well done for making it until you got home until you break down. If you have the strength to do that you'll get through this just fine.
Hey SC, that's really rough. Relapses will happen...alot. Some will be bad others not so much but eventually the relapses hurt less and less until you're fine again. Don't know how long this process takes since, as you and Merin know, I'm going through the same things but just cling to the logical thought that this WILL get better.
Dude, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know what she's doing but hurting so bad when you know what she's doing. (Did that make sense?) You feel like a masochist but you can't help it. What helps me is to see your ex as a different person that you do not know anymore. The person you love is gone. You are remembering a ghost now. Nothing can happen to make that ghost come back. This realization may seem very basic but it had a profound impact on me. Continue to love the memory of her but realize that she is someone different now. The shell is the same but that person you cry for is gone.
You can't curse yourself for letting her go. It always takes two. If you do not let her go you are being selfish because she does not want to stay. In an odd way, letting go is your ultimate statement of love to her. I know you look back with hindsight and amplify your past mistakes and beat yourself up but in the end that changes nothing. So why beat yourself up if it will change nothing? I know first hand that this is easy to say but hard to do. But you gotta keep trying. Go for a run after work...I got suckered into trying that It may help you or it may just make you appreciate automobiles even more.
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Quote:
Originally posted by thien_to
Hey SC, that's really rough. Relapses will happen...alot. Some will be bad others not so much but eventually the relapses hurt less and less until you're fine again. Don't know how long this process takes since, as you and Merin know, I'm going through the same things but just cling to the logical thought that this WILL get better.
Dude, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know what she's doing but hurting so bad when you know what she's doing. (Did that make sense?) You feel like a masochist but you can't help it. What helps me is to see your ex as a different person that you do not know anymore. The person you love is gone. You are remembering a ghost now. Nothing can happen to make that ghost come back. This realization may seem very basic but it had a profound impact on me. Continue to love the memory of her but realize that she is someone different now. The shell is the same but that person you cry for is gone.
You can't curse yourself for letting her go. It always takes two. If you do not let her go you are being selfish because she does not want to stay. In an odd way, letting go is your ultimate statement of love to her. I know you look back with hindsight and amplify your past mistakes and beat yourself up but in the end that changes nothing. So why beat yourself up if it will change nothing? I know first hand that this is easy to say but hard to do. But you gotta keep trying. Go for a run after work...I got suckered into trying that It may help you or it may just make you appreciate automobiles even more.
on the lighter side ofthings...are u positive she's dating a new guy? she could be making all of this up to get you jelous and obviously its working you know... she can be saying all this i guess to get back at you or whatever.... dont get mad get even!!!!! i say next time u know you'll be working together, look really good and have some chick randomly stop by... see how she likes it! haha...but if u dont want to do that....just ignore it...she'll eventually stop, u gotta act like it doesnt bother you,,, thats what will get her more pissed...trust me
Thanks everyone for your support, as I need any and all that I can get right now. I feel like I am losing it. I've been seeing a therapist but I don't know if it is helping much. I don't even recognize myself these days. I am a complete shell of the man I used to be. I have been through breakups and had rejections before, and nothing that came before has ever crippled me the way this has. I can't even look at myself when I think of how this is almost ruining my life and how I never thought I would let something like this happen to me.
I am trying hard not to let this beat me. I'm doing everything I can to pick up the pieces of myself and put myself back together. But even in my most optimistic moments, its hard to imagine I will ever be entirely OK ever again. I feel as though I gave her a piece of myself and she took it with her when she left.... so even after I recover from the loss, I will still never be whole again.
I should also add, maybe I didn't characterize my intial post accurately. She wasn't flaunting her new guy to everyone. As I said, everyone knows she is seeing someone now and they were under the impression that she hadn't found someone to be with in a long time now. So everyone is really happy for her and is asking her a lot of questions, which she answers. She doesn't offer it freely. In fairness, she actually does seem to try to stifle her responses when I am right there.
Have you thought about getting a new job? I'd be going nuts if I had to work with my ex...just nuts. I don't even live in the same town as him anymore. As far as I am concerned a different country from my ex wouldn't be far enough away right now from him. I was actually just interviewing for a new job (over the phone) and it is in the town/city my ex lives in and I am not going to take the position.....I can't. I know my head will be exploding being around that area.
I know you have to be strong and all that, but seriously distance helps big time. I once had a break up and the guy lived up the street from me and I worked only a block from my house and my ex also worked about two blocks from where we lived and man we were driving by each other ALL DAY long. It drove me nuts. I really found it was harder to get over the relationship with him in my face all the time.....you know and not to mention weekends when we would run into each other at bars or chance meetings at the grocery store..etc. It was a pain in the ass plus we had a lot of mutual friends. That was the all time worst break up I've ever had. Once I got the heck out of there I was able to see the situation more for what it was and move on.....it took more time to move on too after I'd left because I had sort of heard, said and done too much in relation to the break up.
This time.........I'm staying clear of my ex. Is it possible for you to get transfered to another department or to take up employment someplace else? I am not saying up and quit, but it seems that it will be so painful to see this girl everyday and to hear about her new boyfriend, etc. It does a lot of damange to the self esteem.......I guess sometimes you just can't avoid these things but it plays a lot of games with your head.
Sorry you are having a rough day today. I just returned from my weekly therapy session. My therapist asked me what it feels like to actually have my space back and to not be so intuned with my exes problems and that whole soap opera. I am finally starting to realize it feels pretty damn good---- do I am doing better, but we all have those relapses. In your case I can imagine it's very hard.
Have you thought about getting a new job? I'd be going nuts if I had to work with my ex...just nuts. I don't even live in the same town as him anymore. As far as I am concerned a different country from my ex wouldn't be far enough away right now from him. I was actually just interviewing for a new job (over the phone) and it is in the town/city my ex lives in and I am not going to take the position.....I can't. I know my head will be exploding being around that area.
I know you have to be strong and all that, but seriously distance helps big time. I once had a break up and the guy lived up the street from me and I worked only a block from my house and my ex also worked about two blocks from where we lived and man we were driving by each other ALL DAY long. It drove me nuts. I really found it was harder to get over the relationship with him in my face all the time.....you know and not to mention weekends when we would run into each other at bars or chance meetings at the grocery store..etc. It was a pain in the ass plus we had a lot of mutual friends. That was the all time worst break up I've ever had. Once I got the heck out of there I was able to see the situation more for what it was and move on.....it took more time to move on too after I'd left because I had sort of heard, said and done too much in relation to the break up.
This time.........I'm staying clear of my ex.
RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT !!!!!!! It is freaking insane, isn't it, when they're THERE all the time? Oh, man. My all-time worst breakup was the same; small teeny town, bumping into each other everywhere. I moved, life was drastically improved. (And I dumped HIM.)
Have you thought about getting a new job? I'd be going nuts if I had to work with my ex...just nuts.
There is a good chance I will receive a promotion that will take me to another city early next year. A part of me is dying for that promotion to come through so I can get the heck up out of here and be away from her. But then the nonsensical side of me knows that once that happens, she will truly be gone from my life and I pitifully am not sure if I am ready to deal with that yet. Argh. Its like I am trapped by my mind which is not thinking rationally. It's not rational that I can't accept the fact that we are over. Maybe if I hated her or was angry at her...but I still love her. I guess this is what thien_to was referring to.... I am loving a different person than the one who originally fell in love with me.... and thats the damndest part of all.
What thien_to said is absolutely right. When I talk to my ex now, sometimes I just wonder, "Who is this person? Can this possibly be the same person who was so crazy about me just a few months ago?"
No, it's not the same. What we miss really is just a memory, but that's the funny thing about happy memories...sometimes they hurt you more than the painful ones, because you just want to go back to that time when you were happy SO BADLY but you never can. With painful memories, at least we know that what we went through is over and it can only get better from there. But with happiness...we'd give anything to be back there, wouldn't we?
True....How very true!! The bad bitter end of teh relationship ends and all you're left with is the good stuff... and you've give anything to get that back!!
How true, how true. I managed to drag up some emails my ex wrote to me and realized that she has changed and the person I love was from 3 years ago. Despite our living together, she changed under my nose and I didn't even see it. I was so confident in our relationship - we were the golden couple among our friends. They are probably laughing behind my back now - oh - found out today she is dating a new guy already. We were only apart for 2.5 months, which makes me wonder whether the love was dead even before she packed up and left.
But I do suffer from the ups and downs that SpaceCoyote experiences. A minute filled with hope and optimism to take on the world and the next moment wallowing in self pity and loathing and blaming GOD for hurting me so bad. I am still waiting for the opened window not that the door has closed. It has to be one day at a time (keep telling myself that) and just embrace the relapses. This is what you have to go through so that there will be no more emotional baggage getting carried into the next relationship. As the dumpee, it will obviously take longer on our part to move on - it came out of the blue where in my case, came home from a late day's work and having dinner when she blurted out "I want to move out!" Talk about someone reaching into your chest and yanking your heart out and stomping on it. The memories, the images of that fateful hurtful evening linger in my mind still but gradually the detail gets fuzzy and hopefully in time, they will just be a distant memory to laugh at.
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