[an'ka]

Hi, I've been very frustrated looking desperately online for some kind of an answer or advise and found this forum. I'm really hoping that you will be able to help me. Here is my story:
I've been together with this guy (I'll call him "B") for 3 years before we broke up for the first time. At first we were very happy, he loved me to death and I love him too, but he had some things about him that drove me nuts. For example he was involved with drugs (marijuana) and I could not make him stop. Once I ever told him either me or it, and he chose me and quit smoking. But I was having some doubts about the relationship anyway and because I was only 18 I thought that I still need to explore and date more and wasn't ready to settle down with him. He loved me so much that he thought we gonna get married. All of this brought us to our first breakup. When I thought I lost him I had the worst time ever, I realized that I loved him and didn't want anyone but him and that it was my mistake on not seeing it before. I went throught a depression and really tough times. 3 month we didn't speak or see each other. Then we met up and as soon as we saw each other we knew that we'll be back together again. But I found out that right b/4 our breakup he hung out and kissed with his x-g/f. He explained it by saying that he saw that I didn't want to be with him anymore, he was devastated and didn't know what to do. I forgave him, and made him promise that if we get back together he won't smoke weed anymore. He agreed, we got back together and everything was perfect for some time, I was happy, he was happy, it was great. Untill he started acting weired, it seemed like his feelings toward me changed and he didn't love me anymore. No matter what I did or said didn't change anything. I didn't know what to do. He explained it saying that he was confused about his life, who he is and what he wants to do.... (we were 19 then) 3 month after we got back together he broke up with me, which came as a total surprise. I was shocked and mad and pissed off, and upset. I got into a depression again, got an eating disorder... It was hell. It was right before the summer. By the end of the summer I was kind of ok, seeing some other guy, but still thinking about "B". At the end of august he called me and we talked as "friends" since. We saw each other few times and every time it was weired. I could sense that he still had feelings for me. He apologized for breaking up with me like that said that he was confused about my change, didn't know how could I become so different (I went from confused person who didn't know if I wanted to be with him to totally loving person who thought we gonna get married). I kind of understood. Right now I'm going out with this great guy for 3 months. I don't think I love him though, but he has all of the qualities I've been always looking for in guys. Now my ex wants me back, he said that he've made the greatest mistake in his life, he stopped smoking (he started before we broke up the second time again and I didn't know about it untill now) and understood that I am everything he ever wanted.
Even though I still love my ex, I am really confused and frustrated because I'm so afraid to let him close to me. I'm afraid to get hurt for the 3rd time, I won't be able to get over it. And I'm afraid that all of the past problems will come back and I won't be happy again. But on the other hand I have a hope that I could be happy with him.
I can't get him out of my head, I tried to forget him, but I can't. Even when I'm with my new guy I still think of "B" and it's very frustrating.
I need to decide either to let him into my life again or get him out of there forever. I don't know what to do.
I know I wrote so much that probably no one will even read it, but I hope that you will and help me with some kind of advise. I'm really frustrated, I can't concentrate on anything, I started to do bad in college. I need to decide something.

PLEASE< HELP!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. sorry if this is too confusing. It's confusing for me too.

[an'ka]

I guess that my story is too long, no one is responding. Please let me know if I could clarify something so that you can help me out.

thanks

[Pocky]

Paragraphs would help. Don't you notice it's hard to follow the lines when there isn't any spacing?

As far as your problem, how do you know for sure he has quit using drugs?

[an'ka]

Thank you very much for the reply
I'll try to fix my story a little later, maybe that will help me get some more advise

About being sure, I'm not, but I just do not see the point for him to lie to me now. We are not together anymore and he knows that I'll still find out earlier or later if he continues smoking.
Plus when we talked he really seemed like he realized a lot of stuff that he didn't realize before. He really seemed upset about him waisting so much time on this stuff and making so many mistakes because of it.
Maybe you are right and I shouldn't trust his word after all of his previous lies, but I don't know why but I do believe that he quit.
He seems pretty honest about it.

[Pocky]

What concerns me the most is that you state your current boyfriend has all the qualities you want in a man, but the only thing truly positive about your ex is that he's quit using drugs. For just a moment, and by no means am I saying that love doesn't have significance, but for just a moment take away the love part and truly consider the type of person your ex is. Does he have the qualities you want in a boyfriend?

Reason why I ask is sometimes we love the wrong person. Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a good relationship. It takes love and whole lot more to be happy spending your life with someone.

[XNemesisX]

I fully understand what you are going through.

I just have been broken up with AGAIN. My ex will tell me he doesn't love me anymore, never will love me again, etc then we end up back together again. Now present time - going through the break up phase again. See, he sounds serious but at the same time the back of my mind is saying you might get back together tho, you always do. Ugh its so frustrating. And each time this has happened I too have done bad in college and didn't even have to get an eating disorder because I was so upset that I could not eat! It was involuntary anorexia

I think one of the reasons my ex and I get back together is having to see eachother again. We seem to do okay so long as NC is in place, and we don't see eachother/sleep with eachother. Once we start seeing eachother in person again and all that stuff - we're back in a relationship again.

How did you all end up seeing eachother again the last time you all broke up?

I think that sometimes it might be a good rule of thumb that if there was a first break up that the relationship almost seems "cursed" to end again. Like a neverending cycle.

I too don't want to go through the pain of yet another break up. If you figure out an answer let me know. I know exactly how you feel. Its an on again off again roller coaster from hell that is for sure.

sorry if I couldn't be of more help. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. Why is life so complicated???

[Loam]

Well.. I am gonna chip in on an entirely different note and say that you shouldnt be with your current boyfriend. You obviously arn't over your previous relationship and are just leading this guy along... It's completely not fair to him.

As to your X I think the other posters have provided good advice. O also if you do get back with him take it slow, even though that may be hard, and he might expect sex right away :/

EDIT: paragraphs.

[an'ka]

Thank you ,guys, for your replies


Yeah, life is complicated!!!
I'm really tired of being confused, hurt, depressed, etc. Why can't we all just be happy?

Anyway, I'll answer some of your questions:

The last time we broke up was in May. I didn't hear from my x till August when he imed me and asked if maybe we can be friends. By that time I already felt ok and was seing someone else so I agreed. (deep inside though I was hoping he would call me or something, so I was glad) In September there is a Jewish holiday "Judgement day" and you are supposed to apologize to everyone you hurt and forgive everyone. So my ex asked me to meet him before that day cause he wanted to talk to me about something. I agreed.

We met up and he apologized for what he did to me, he was really sencere, I could see it.

I work in a gym as a personal trainer, so he came to work out there few times afterwards, and we just started talking more often and seeing each other few times. But we didn't talk about "us" or anything like that, it was really "friendly" but weired. We even went to our friend's birthday party to the restarant and I took my current b/f with me. It was kind of strange and I could see that my x was upset, but at a time I was feeling really in love with my new boo and was pretty happy. I didn't mean to lead him on, I really though I had feelings for him, I guess I still do, but just not as much as for my x.
I know my ex since I was 16, it's like we grew up together, he knows me better than anyone else and I can tell him anything about myself. And the new boo was only there for 3 month, plus he himself had a troublesom past relationship and has troubles with opening up to me.

Everyone keeps telling me the same thing as you, Nemesis: it's a cycle, if we broke up twise we'll break up again. It's very depressing. I understand all of this, but how come after being hurt so many times I still have feelings and hopes for him??? I don't understand.

Nemesis, are you together with your boy now?

I wrote an email (but didn't send it out yet) in which I described all my feelings and said something like: "Right now is not the time for us to get back together. We need to grow more as people first. I can't allow myself to get hurt like I did again and I need to be sure that the things that pulled us apart aren't there anymore. Untill then I can't be with you.."
Well, it was something like that.
I still didn't send it out, I don't know if I should send it to him. I'm still confused on what I should do.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I should force myself to forget about him and move on with my life and try to find happiness with someone else, but other times I feel like if he would change a little bit we would be very happy together.
Umm, why is it so difficult????

[XNemesisX]

an'ka,

At the present moment I'm not with him, we are broken up again. I saw him on Tuesday and we met for lunch. He told me those same lines again "I don't love you anymore" etc etc. Even though I know he has said these things before, it still hurts every time because I'm not sure if we will get back together or not this time. The breakup was over me going on a date with someone else during another one of our break up periods (in which he broke up with me). He is enraged that I went on a date with someone else...but how was I to know we would end up back together? I'm not psychic. I can't get him to understand that though. I told him that maybe he needs to stop breaking up with me every 2 seconds and then he wouldn't have to worry about me going out with someone else and trying to move on. I just don't understand him.

I guess you could say we have been broken up for a month now approx. However, this past Tuesday felt like the real break up because previously he was just so mad at me that he would ignore me and I didn't know what was going on. He is mad at something I did back in May (the last time we had a real serious break up), and he has let it bother him ever since we got back together apparently. He can't take the jealousy (even though it was his fault for breaking up wtih me in the first place!

He's such a hypocrite because in May when we were broke up he was carrying on with an ex gf of his, but yet he can't take the fact that I went out with someone. MEN!!!

I have a hard time believing that this is the end for us. He is trying to act like he doesn't care about me anymore but like I said I have heard it all before. On top of that I had never seen him look so bad as when I saw him Tuesday. His eyes looked puffy and purple around the eyes, he had a beard, hadn't bathed in a few days, and had lost a considerable amount of weight. He blames it on the stress he's been going through from taking the LSAT but I'm not so sure...

In a way I think that we will probably get back together just because of our track record. However, I'm not sure if I want to stick around for yet ANOTHER break up. I don't think I can take it. So maybe I will try and make this the final one. Maybe it will teach him to be careful what he wishes for, and to stop breaking up with people all the time if he doesn't really mean it.

We live in 2 different cities, about an hour away so this time around is a little different from the time back in May when we were both living in the same town. The only way that we end up getting back together is when we have contact with eachother and have to see eachother. Otherwise, we stay broken up at least until we start seeing eachother again. This might be the difference between now and May. I don't see how we will start seeing eachother again unless he decides to be friends wtih me and we start hanging out again a little bit down the road.

I told him I did want to be friends with him. I hate losing him forever because as much of an A** as he is, I really enjoy his company and I'm gonig to miss him terribly. I know he is really busy right now with work and everything but once it slows down I think he will really start to miss me just as much. He says he thinks he can find someone better but I also think this is just another low blow he is saying to make me feel even lower than I already do.

I know how you feel about still wanting to be with him even when we know we shouldn't get back with them. I have also tried dating someone new in the past month and its like no matter how hard I try I still like the ex more. Maybe it is the history that we have with them??

I think the letter sounds really good, in fact it sounds like something that would be good to write to my ex too. I do think that before we should get back with them (if we decide to) all the things that caused us to seperate in the first place should be gone. I don't know what caused you all to break up to begin with, but with me and my ex it is his jealousy issues. He would have to realize that he is not God and that the world does not revolve around him, and that when you break up with someone you have to realize the possibility that that person might go out with someone else. I think my ex is too conceited to realize that and he needs to humble down. He must think that even after he breaks up wtih someone they shoudl still be pining for him forever. That really irritates me. He acts like I should have known we would get back together, but like I said I am not psychic and I cannot read his mind!!!!

If you still have feelings for your ex you should see if he has changed at all. The time you spent apart and him seeing that you are dating someone else may have given him a new perspective on things, and maybe now he really realizes how he messed up. If you get back with him, I would completely understand because I know how it is. Everyone can tell you what a jerk that person is and how you should never go back out with them but they don't understand your feelings like you do. Just make sure that the situation has changed and that this time around he will be set on sticking with you and not pulling you around on a string. Also, make it hard for him to get you back. I think that letter sounds really good.

[an'ka]

Thanks a lot for sharing with me. I'll send the letter today and will see what happens. My ex is leaving on vacation on Jan 1st, and I'm leaving on Jan 10th with my friends and my new guy, so I know that we won't get a chance to get closer till then for sure. I like that because it'll give me more time to think about my feelings towards him and new b/f, and it will give him a chance to think about what I wrote.

This is so depressing. I just realized that we met exactly 4 years ago today, and I can't even talk to him normally. Crazy!!!

About your boyfriend, Nemesis, I think you should really put it into a perspective for him about his jealosy issues. Describe to him a situation where you would break up with him, and he would think that you are serious and won't get back to him. He would be hurting and thinking that maybe dating someone else will help him heal his pain. Would he do it? Or would he just sit home and feel his pain, or sit next to your door begging you to take him back? Common, we all know the answer, he's a guy, he would definately date. Your case is strong because you said he also dated his ex at the same time. How is dating ex g/f different from dating some random guy? I think it's even worse actually.

This is really bad if he can't make himself see things from your perspective. Does he respect you enough to make an effort and try to understand where you are comming from? It's not about the love even, it's about basic respect to another human being. If he breaks up with you, you have a right to do anything: date anyone you want, sleep with anyone you want, go anywhere you want, do anything you want. When he sais: "we are broken off" he loses every right to tell you what to do and how to live.

I think you need to make sure that he understands this untill you even consider getting back with him (that's if he'll want some day). One thing is to love somebody and another thing is to be their door mat. Please, you are smart girl and you should respect yourself. Show him that you have issues about him too, that you don't like everything about him too, that he's no angel. He should understand that if he'll continue treating people this way he will definately not find anyone who's worth it.

I guess you can write him an email or a letter just like mine. Just make sure not to show him that you want him back REALLY bad, show him that he needs to change some things about him too in order for both of you to be happy.
Ask him if he's also tired of this unending cycle or pain and disappointment. Maybe he'll be able to step over his stupid pride and open up to you and show you that he still loves you too..

good luck
let me know what happens

[an'ka]

I sent out this email yesterday around 6 p.m and I still didn't get any answer. I know I need to give him some time to think about what I wrote, but I'm so impatient!!! (i did send him a message saying that I sent something to his email)
I guess I have to wait now

[an'ka]

After waiting the whole day for the reply I sent him a message by phone asking if he got my email. He didn't respond for a while and then responded by saying that he is skiing in Vermont and read my email. That's all he said. I asked when is he comming back, he said in 2 days.

I don't know why but I got this sick feeling about what I heard. I'm wondering who he is there with and what he thought about my letter.
I don't know when he'll tell me his reaction, and I'm so afraid that it won't be a positive one.
It's weired, I am the one who doesn't want to be with him right now, but at the same time I still want him to want to be with me and I'm afraid that he's gonna find someone else while I make him wait

Why do I feel so bad after finding out that he's having fun skiing in Vermont? Why am I so selfish?

[XNemesisX]

an'ka,

Thank you for your reply. I have tried to get him to see my perspective but I can't get anything thru to him. He just acts like he cannot forget what I did and that it bugs him. I don't know if he will come around or not, but I know that his thinking is just so unreasonable! Maybe I should just say fine and be done with it. Its so hard tho. Still, its sh*tty being with someone who is not understanding or willing to see things from the other person's point of view. Ugh.

Did you send your ex an email that talked about what you posted? About wanting to wait until the things that seperated you both in the first place are gone? I'm sure he's just being slow and will respond back. He is probably just thinking about what you said. I know how you feel about not wanting him to be with anyone while you make him wait. I think its only natural. Maybe to get him not to go out with anyone else you could break up with your current boyfriend (if that is what you want to do). He may think that since you have a boyfriend, nothing stopping him from going out with someone. Or, you could just remind yourself that you are dating someone so if he does there isn't much you can say about it. Besides, your making him wait will make him want you all the more, and even if he does go out with someone in the meantime I can bet that he will not like them anywhere near as much as he likes you. (esp with your long history together). I wouldn't worry about someone else taking him away. You have him right where you want him! Making him wait will also make him want you all the more (as long as the wait is not TOO long). You know what they say, you always want what you can't have. He will be longing for you all the more and when you do get back together it will be all the sweeter.

I think you really do want to give it another try with the ex, so we will work on how we can do this. I know people might say its not worth it, and I even wonder myself if it is worth it to work things out with my ex (if he ever decided he wants to again) but at the same time I know that if he came up to me and said that he wanted to change all of those things that went wrong the last times we have broken up I would want to give it a shot. Tell yourself that this is the last chance tho (make it clear to your ex too). If it doesn't work out this time around, it might just be something that can't be saved. I would def break up with your current boyf. If your ex is able to get all your feelings going again like this then the current boyf is probably just not going to work out. If it was really meant for you and the current bf to be together, your ex wouldn't even phase you. You would just want to be with him. Breaking up with your boyfriend will also help your ex see that you are serious about working it out with him in the end.

I hope this made sense, I'm pretty scatterbrained right now lol. I would just try your best to be patient about the email. He will respond.

Let me know how everything goes.

[an'ka]

G-d, I'm trying to be patient, but it just gets to me

It's 2.45 am on Monday and I still haven't heard from him. Ican't fall asleep. I have all these thoughts in my head.
I'm so mad at him for not responding!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to think! Is he mad at me for something in that email? Is he upset by it? Did he decide to leave me alone? Maybe he doesn't want me anymore? Which one is it?

I really don't understand
I checked my email today about 1000 times
I feel like if he won't contact me real soon I'll call him or something, I can't live like this not knowing what he is thinking about the whole situation

Wow, this is so frustrating
I wish I'd have a punching bag, ohhhhhhhhhhhh I would like to punch the s*** of it right now

(sorry if it's too violent, i'm just so pissed off right now)

Please, can someone tell me something that will make me stop feeling like this?????
Pleaaaaaaaaaase

[cugo999]

Originally posted by an'ka
I wrote an email (but didn't send it out yet) in which I described all my feelings and said something like: "Right now is not the time for us to get back together. We need to grow more as people first. I can't allow myself to get hurt like I did again and I need to be sure that the things that pulled us apart aren't there anymore. Untill then I can't be with you.."

I just wanted to remind of you the content of your email above.
What kind of answer do you expect from him??. What was the main intention of your email??.
Did you expect him to come rushing back begging you not to go? I gues not, he is not stupid.
Be cool and don't contact him again