[mrsc]

Been out for 2 nights now - went to my parents with my 3 year old daughter. Husband has "emotional" problems where he doesn't have any. I asked him if he wanted me to leave - he said do what you want. But then yesterday he called and said he wanted to see our daughter -- OK?!? so he came and got her for an hour - didn't ask me anything. But then started talking about what he wants to get her for christmas. I think he was surprised that I didn't come home last night, but god forbid he ASK me to. YES, I know - it sounds like a game BUT - what do i have to do to make him realize I am unhappy? I don't want it to be over but I don't want to live like this anymore. He never makes the "first move" at anything (except sex- we do have great sex) He never tells me he loves me and actually the more i think about it - we don't really have the "how was your day" talks or anything like that. I dont' know, calll me a "high maintenance girl" but I don't want the "we've been married for 9 years, what do you expect relationship" Ya know, funny thing is most the time I know what he is thinking but I am one of those people that need to "HEAR" it. He confuses me - we have been married for 9 years. He is a great father, helps around the house etc. etc... .but does not have a loving bone in his body when it comes to me --- ex... stupid things like don't get me anything for christmas..... OK WHY? Is it because he don't want me to get anythign for him...... he sits on the computer and just does his thing....... ignore everyone around him. He was on Effexor for a year, has been off it for 3 weeks - went through withdrawls --- but do you think he would ask me how I have been doing. Do you think he would tell me how HE was doing?!? I know he has it in him to talk and me social - i see it when he is with his daughter - he puts in the effort - which i am so happy it hasn't effected her -- she is such a daddys girl. So it just makes me realize that he can do what he wants ------
So I have been out for 2 nights - things have been "nice" - here is what I see happening tonight - He realized that I am going to not be home - so instead of him being quiet about it - he will get mad and then "pull away" even more -- I know it doesn't make sense - but does anything in a relationship with problems!!!!????
So do I go back just so things don't get nasty or do I stick to it till he has to tell me what he wants????!

[SoleMate]

You and your H are perfect candidates for http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...i5010_qa.html, "How to get your husband to show his affection towards you". Please give it a try and see if it makes sense to you. You deserve to have the affection from your husband that you crave. He also deserves having you meet his important needs.

I hate to see an otherwise good marriage involving a young child broken up just because of issues that can be so easy to fix, with the right advice.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by mrsc
Been out for 2 nights now - went to my parents with my 3 year old daughter. Husband has "emotional" problems where he doesn't have any. I asked him if he wanted me to leave - he said do what you want. But then yesterday he called and said he wanted to see our daughter -- OK?!? so he came and got her for an hour - didn't ask me anything. But then started talking about what he wants to get her for christmas. I think he was surprised that I didn't come home last night, but god forbid he ASK me to. YES, I know - it sounds like a game BUT - what do i have to do to make him realize I am unhappy?

You have to tell him.

I don't want it to be over but I don't want to live like this anymore. He never makes the "first move" at anything (except sex- we do have great sex) He never tells me he loves me and actually the more i think about it - we don't really have the "how was your day" talks or anything like that. I dont' know, calll me a "high maintenance girl" but I don't want the "we've been married for 9 years, what do you expect relationship"

Get thee to www.coping.org and <URL removed> at once!

Ya know, funny thing is most the time I know what he is thinking but I am one of those people that need to "HEAR" it. He confuses me - we have been married for 9 years. He is a great father, helps around the house etc. etc... .but does not have a loving bone in his body when it comes to me --- ex... stupid things like don't get me anything for christmas..... OK WHY? Is it because he don't want me to get anythign for him...... he sits on the computer and just does his thing....... ignore everyone around him. He was on Effexor for a year, has been off it for 3 weeks - went through withdrawls --- but do you think he would ask me how I have been doing. Do you think he would tell me how HE was doing?!? I know he has it in him to talk and me social - i see it when he is with his daughter - he puts in the effort - which i am so happy it hasn't effected her -- she is such a daddys girl. So it just makes me realize that he can do what he wants ------

My STBXW was the same way. I don't know what it is. She outright told me last night that she didn't love me. I had asked her that months ago and she denied it. I think you are ignoring your own wisdom and capabilities as understanding the signals that are being sent to you. You're smarter than that.

So I have been out for 2 nights - things have been "nice" - here is what I see happening tonight - He realized that I am going to not be home - so instead of him being quiet about it - he will get mad and then "pull away" even more -- I know it doesn't make sense - but does anything in a relationship with problems!!!!????
So do I go back just so things don't get nasty or do I stick to it till he has to tell me what he wants????!

I have one last question. It's a question that has been socialized out of us in this society. It was reinvigorated a bout a decade ago, but they overdid it. It's a simple question that can either bring balance into your life, or turn you into a selfish child. It takes maturity and honesty, and a great deal of strength to ask and truthfully answer. You have to ask yourself, "What do I want/?"

I'm sorry your husband is as detached as a 90 year old cataract. He sounds as cold and uninvested as my STBXW. The only thing worse than loving someone who isn't as affectionate as you, is loving someone who doesn't love you.

I wish you peace and happier days.

mA

[mrsc]

Thank you for seeing that some good can still come out of this....

I am all for it and trying to do anything it takes..... He on the other hand, I think he could wait a few more days for me to come back home --- then, he would just kiss and make up -- he could even go without talking that anything even happened. It is like he doesn't get "scared" or anything... although his mom called me today and asked if I stayed at my parents last night... she said she called him and he just seemed "disturbed" he didn't tell her - she just figured something was wrong..... now, when he came to see our daughter...... he was "fine" --
Thank you for the link - i will look into it ---

[mrsc]

I have TOLD HIM what I want. I try to talk to him.... I think he loves me but not "in love" with me - i think he has taken advantage of "us" for too long. I think the only reason I left was because he said "do what you want to do" We have a lot of past with us (as I am sure everyone else does too) he have lost a child, NO COUNSELING, we have been through so much - so many ups and downs --- I am just lost now..... and the thing is - both our families are so close and we are best friends with sister and brother in laws --- you name it, we always do everything together ---- he is just distant......

[mrsc]

The only thing worse than loving someone who isn't as affectionate as you, is loving someone who doesn't love you.

[color=red][/color]I actually just cried - probably cuz i know it is true![color=red][/color]



[color=red][/color]

[MassiveAtom]

It's so clear how much you're hurting. I only typed that because I'm coming to grips with the same grim prognosis. I know this is so very hard to feel. I wish this kind of pain on no one. It's like your heart is being ripped out through your chest and that person doesn't seem to care the pain it causes. Believe me MSRC, I know exactly how you feel. There's no way anyone can fault you or blame you for wanting what you really want in a marriage. I feel the same way.

Do a search on my handle, it'll bring up the last 4 months of torture. It's a lot of stuff to read, but some of it, I have to admit, is good.

I know you're feeling lost out in the desert, probably more like a glacier in the south pole, there's nothing to get your bearings on, you're cold, scared, lonely, and pissed off that you found yourself out here. Just remember, that when it looks like you're lost forever, and there's no shelter in sight. You're not alone. All of us, we're in here. in the Loveshack! : )

Hey, a dear friend one told me this joke. It was perfect timing then.

Two muffins are baking in an oven .
One muffin turns to the other and say " YikeS!! We're cooking in an oven"
the other says "YIKES! a talking muffin!"



oh c'mon, just a little smile?

mA

[mrsc]

I liked that one! Thanks again. I am also sorry you are going through this!

[MassiveAtom]

And remember you can always PM me anytime.

Misery loves company, And I know [b]I'm[i/b] miserable sometimes.

Take it slow. the Marriagebuilders.com site is really good. and the coping.org site will help you help yourself.

Ultimately, you're in it for you. You are the center of your world, the most important person in the universe.

You have to do what's best for you. Sounds like your H is do just that for himself already.

Now for a late lunch.

talk soon,

mA

[mrsc]

I am out of here for today ... maybe get a chance to get back on in a couple days.
Illinois?....Interesting weather, huh? I am about an hour away! Does this site have personal mailboxes?