[r11]

Hi,
Have any of you been married to someone with a mental illness like borderline personality/emotional instability disorder? Possibly even Bi-Polar disorder?

My STBX and I separated in March and I still can't figure out what went wrong. My counsellor said people do irrational things that sometimes can't be explained, but after doing much research, I think my wife had a borderline personality disorder (mental illness) and this greatly contributed to our break up.

I am 38 and she is 28 and I have known her for 10 years and we were married 3.5 years with no kids. When I met her she confessed to being Bulemic when she was 16 or 17. She said she got over this. Then she decided to workout like crazy. This has been going on since. There is a disorder called exercise bulemia which girls sometimes use as a substitute for bulemia, because it is more societally accepted. We argued, like most couples, but our arguements sometimes got really heated, and she just wouldn't stop.

She has all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Impulsitivity and emotional instability. She had a traumatic experience when she was 18 with her parents divorcing, father dying, mother immediately remarrying and grandmother not wanting to ever talk to her again. She always fear abandonment, especially from me early on. She is gorgeous, but always had a poor self-image. Her emotions were up and down like a roller-coaster, and we blamed this on PMS. She was unable to maintain friends (especially girlfriends). Her best friend and husband our now my best friend. She had little control over impulses like chocolate (this may be normal), smoking pot, bingeing on ice cream and working out. We couldn't have cookies for a long time in the house. She couldn't still get a job (as a teacher-she pissed off the principal at her last school and now has a bad name). When she was happy, she was extremely happy, usually when things went her way, and when she was upset, watch out, she got nasty.

Anyhow, she ended up putting me in jail saying I threatened her, is freaking out about not getting the whole house, says she doesn't love me anymore, yada, yada, yada. The same old stuff I here from a lot of you.

Is it just that our wives (or husbands) were mental and we didn't know it?
Your thoughts?

[debidoll]

Dude, I know mine was. He had had similar problems when he lived home with his parents, so it wasn't because of me. He had severe mood swings (often saying he wanted to "blow his brains out"). I and his family have begged him to get some help, but he sees therapy and/or drugs as all bullsh*t, although he had no problem smoking weed....and it was always an extreme with him. Either absolutley no weed, or he would smoke every single day. I have been married to him for 2 years, and it has been very rough on me. One minute, he loved me, the next he didn't want to be married, and wasn't sure if he did love me. A month and a half ago, he loved me very much, and then one day he just didn't anymore, period. Guess it was a coincidence this happened right around the time he met someone at work, so he says, "It's not about the girl, I just don't love you anymore". Before he moved out, we had a bad episode, and I was frightened, so I called my Mom and my Aunt to come over because I was kinda scared. Although he never hit me, he was spitting iced tea all over the house, and threatening me. He treated them very, very badly when they got there. He asked my 69 year old mother if she was a "co*ksuc*er", and then put our kitten on her back so that it sratched her. Thankfully (hard word to say), this makes reconcilliation impossible. He can never come back, and I know I am better off, but for now, sometimes it is very lonely not being with someone I was attatched to at the hip for 2 and a half years. He left me for someone that is 34 years old, still lives at home (refused to move in with him, because "her baby comes first"), has an illigitimate 1 year old baby, is covered with tatoos, xrated piercings, and, quote, "never wears underwear". He has become a complete stranger to me, and I haven't spoken to him in weeks. In short, I am devastated. On the other hand, HE'S NUTS!

[Mr baseball]

rjag

I am married to a woman that has bpd disorder. We have been together for twelve years and married for nine of those. I think it started to show over the last four years but came on strong a year ago. We started going to the m.c. and finally it started to come out in a session.She threw a fit and She walked out! and I told him that this was a good example of what my life is like. He gave me a book that is to help me deal with her and this problem. I started to read the book and it became clear that she is a "nut" and I am doomed. The m.c. doesn't want to tell her she has this or it will be a "excuse" for her actions. She needs to be told!!

My wife and I were best friends and spent all of our time together. Things were pretty good but we both have our troubles. With this disorder she seems to focus on anything against me and find ways to stay "two steps" away. She will not see what this has done to our kids or family. She will lie and make up stories,all of which she thinks is 100% real and we are all crazy. This is the point where she will think we are all out to get her! She also will display a drinking problem as an excuse to deal with normal life. This drinking has got in the way of family and friends.

I love my wife and family but cant deal with her and bpd too much longer!

[Cis]

I recently had an intense experience with a friend who I hadn't seen in over 30 years. In retrospect I'm pretty sure he was/is mentally ill.

I'm pretty sure my friend was delusional (jealous, grandiose type). I love him but I'm so glad I'm not married to him or even live close to him - it would be very difficult. It is so heartbreaking to read posts by spouses seeking support in trying to cope with the challenges of living with their partners. In the delusional forum most marriages and relationships end because of the craziness of trying to live with a mentally ill person. I wish you all luck and encourage you to talk to people who are dealing with mental illness.

Cis

[RDAVID4628]

Rjag,
I have been where you are today. I was married for 5 years to a woman who had BPD and was unmedicated. I've been divorced for 4 years and still am affected today with the things she put me thru.
I as well was arrested and maany other things.
I found the best way to deal with it was a divorce since she was in denial about her issues.
I did find the book " Stop Walking On Eggshells" one of the most helpful books. It is for people who live with someone who has BPD.

Take Care

Roy

[Isabella82]

Okay so yeah people that don't have any disorders really don't understand. That is fine, but you should really educate yourself. I am a psychology major so I already know a lot about both borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. There are three types of bipolar disorder. My mother has bipolar type 2 and I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 3. What I can tell you from seeing my mom with this problem her whole life and not getting help til recently is that it is tough living with someone that has this.

My mother like me is very emotional, she thought about commiting suicide numerous times, a common sign for either of these disorders are cutting. They will take anything from a razor to a piece of glass to a knife and just cut anywhere on their bodies.

The thing is if you love someone you stay with them and help them get help. It can take a while to find a medication that really helps them. A lot of meds might make them worse. This is heridtary and should be understood. These people are not nutty, they are hurting.

I can't even begin to tell you how much this disorder affects everything in your life.

[JackieQ]

Isabella is right that its important to understand the disorder and let those you are near know that you love. I don't agree though that you should always stay with them.

People can and have taken responsibility (or at least try to take responsibility) for their actions even with such disorders. I've seen both extremes. To let someone continually abuse your relationship isn't healthy and doesn't help them live in the "real world" either.

In short, there are limits...I guess we just each have to figure out what they are for us.

jackie

[cnt2infinity]

My wife to has some mental issues. We have been separated for three weeks. She has stayed in a institute before and after our marriage. She has had some horrific experiences while we were dating. She is currently on medication and has been all the time. Some of her family members are on medication to to battle depression. I have never seen what she is like when she is off her medication. It is something I have always asked her so I can see the real person in her. I do not know what effects the medicine has and how much it changes her personality. She told me before we got married that she was on medication to be depression and has been in a institute. I accepted that fact. We have one daughter who is with her. I to want things to work out between us.

Ty

I know someone with borderline personality disorder who has made my life a little difficult at times.

[genxm5]

I was glad to discover this post. My wife and I are new at admitting the reality that she has some diagnosable degree of mental/emotional disorder. She's working with a psychiatrist to find helpful medication that will help her (and our family of four) be more balanced on a daily basis. Not sure if it's bi-polar, or what ... but it's clearly something biochemical.

During this period of addressing this issue directly, and waiting on the adjustments medications can bring about ... I feel anxious, lonely, and somewhat despairing. The roller-coaster is exhausting ... I believe I'm a good and supportive husband and father, but having my marriage partner and mother of my children drastically rise and fall emotionally is taxing on me. I know it is for her as well. And the kids. I've come to this forum, though, for support. Any support. A place to vent. A place to hear "hang in there." I do love my wife very much, and I want out family future to be secure. But I despair in my loneliness, and in the exhaustion of picking-up the pieces when "mommy's having a bad day."

Hope this is a good, safe, anonymous place to be.

[moimeme]

I have never seen what she is like when she is off her medication. It is something I have always asked her so I can see the real person in her

This is a very bad idea. The 'real person' is NOT the chemically-imbalanced person you'll meet without the drugs; not to mention that it can be bad for someone to go off their drugs just for the heck of it. The fact is that if she were her 'real' self, she would not have been given drugs. Depression is not a person's 'real' personality; it is what happens when a person's internal chemicals are out of whack. It's as if she was on drugs, but the drugs are manufactured inside her.

People don't seem to get that the meds that people are given for these conditions are often similar to the chemicals inside humans' bodies in the first place - chemicals that the bodies aren't manufacturing or using properly. It's kind of like saying you'd like a diabetic to go off insulin to see what the diabetic is 'really' like.

[blinky200400]

I have never seen what she is like when she is off her medication. It is something I have always asked her so I can see the real person in her. I do not know what effects the medicine has and how much it changes her personality.

cnt2infinity - I have to agree with moimeme. PLEASE DO NOT ASK YOUR WIFE TO COME OFF HER MEDICATION!! This is the worst thing u can do. I am a psychiatric nurse and it is often hard enough to convince someone they need to continue taking meds when they are well without a member of their own family telling them to come off it. Being off meds will not show you the "real" her. It will show you the "ill" her. The medication keeps her well, it does not give her a different personality. Please do some reading on your wifes illness so you can get some knowledge of her illness.

As well as being a psyche nurse i also experience depression and would not dream of coming off my meds. The "me" who is depressed is not the "real me", it is the "me" whose serotonin levels are depleted. The real "me" is the person who is kept stable on the drugs that right this chemical imbalance.

Would you ask someone who is receiving chemotherapy to come off these meds so you could see the "real them" that is seriously ill? I think not!! If she has been in a psychiatric hospital her depression is obviously of a severe nature. For your wifes sake and your daughters encourage her to stay well and educate yourself on her illness,


genxm5 You sound very supporting of your wife. Dont feel guilty for finding this process emotionally draining. You may even feel resentment at times for being the one who has to "hold the family together". You also need support to keep your strength up in able to support your wife. I dont know what area you are in but there are certainly organisations which are aimed at supporting the families of those with mental illness. It may be an idea to ask around about this. You are important too.


mr baseball.

it became clear that she is a "nut"

. i really dont think comments like this help. I am sure you love your wife and im sure living with someone with bpd is an uphill struggle (i have worked with people with bpd and yes it can be very draining) BUT she still deserves some respect and calling her a "nut" isnt the way to go about this!
As far as her not being told about her illness as it may be seen as an "excuse" for her behaviour - Huh?? How can some one be educated on their illness and relearn coping strategies if they are not even told of their diagnosis and given info re this!!