[innanjing]

Maybe someone out there can provide me with some good advice. I am in true love with a girl that has said many times that she is in love with me. However, our relationship has been very rocky. She comes from a manipulative abusive family, where her mom has controlled her for all of her 35 years, telling her she is stupid, no good, etc, etc. She has really never seen or had real love, only manipulative forms of love. I have treated her like a queen from day one, and she has had a hard time relating to this. We have had many problems. The other day she said she wanted to move in with me, get away from her mother's control. It was totally her idea. She asks me to help her always with these problems she has. But when she gets angry or upset, she then becomes her mom totally. Vicious, malicious, etc. Last night she and i got into a quarrel about her not responding to my needs, the needs being simply to say something nice to me. She then got upset, did not get loud at all, but told me she does not love me and has lost the passion. However, earlier that day, she told me she loves me. That has been the pattern for a long time, without her actually saying she does not love me or that she has lost the passion. My question is this. Can a person actually love someone and say these things? She asked me to leave her apartment, knowing i had left my key to my apartment at work. She appeared to not care. In the past, when we have parted, she always comes back to me, crying, especially if i avoid her. I am 44, she is 35 years old. I just need to come to terms with whether she truly loves me. How can she say such terrible things if she really loves me? Will she still try and keep me like she has always done before? I am so mixed up here, any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Wow, it does seem like you have a pretty serious problem on your hands. She sounds like someone who is in a lot of personal pain, but can't express it in a healthy way. When we are young we learn how to handle emotional situations from our parents and our environment. Because she grew up in such a cold, abusive environment, she may not know how to handle emotional intimacy. She may really, really love you, but doesn't know how to express her feelings in a healthy way. I would suggest that you look inside yourself and examine your commitment to her. If you are in love with her and really want a future with her, then you will need to confront her (very compassionately) with what you feel needs to be worked on in your relationship. If you want to move forward with your relationship then tell her that you love her deeply and feel that she has some painful unresolved feelings that are affecting your relationship. Tell her that you want to help her through it, but she has to be willing to do the work with you. Suggest going to a couples counselor with her just to get the process of communication going. If she loves you and wants your relationship to work, then she will be willing to put forth the effort. Open, honest, compassionate communication is the key to any relationship. Please let us know how you're doing.