...and I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.
We can have incredible days and nights, and then I feel as if my heart is getting ripped out. The problem is, he is trying to be a full-time dad at the same time he is trying to be a boyfriend. When something has to give, it's always got to be me. He has not told them about me because he doesn't want to upset them (2 boys) and he doesn't want to upset his STBXW.
Last weekend is a perfect example. I've told him time and again that I want to know WHEN to expect to see him on the weekends so that I don't spend my weekends hanging around the house waiting for him to just show up. Once again, he made no effort to try and do so this weekend. So he showed up Friday night in time to go to sleep, woke up at 730 Saturday morning and was gone by 9 bc his STBX works all day Saturday and Sunday (every other weekend). After explaining that he was leaving to go spend time with the boys (he went on a business trip Monday and will be gone for 10 days) and that he was going to work on his lawn (they're living in the same house and he still does all of the work around the home) and clean out his car he said, "I'll call you later."
The next time I heard from him was when he showed up at 10pm. His excuses- one kid wanted to see his girlfriend and he ended up playing a video game with the other one for 4 hours.
Although I tried to make the most of my day, it was ruined by the tremendous reserve of anger spawned by so many days spent waiting for him. I felt like seeing me was less of a priority than playing a video game.
When he showed up, I was angry and sad. I cried and told him how his actions hurt and he talked about how he hadn't wanted to come bc he knew I'd be disappointed. He swore he would spend all Sunday with me.
"All Sunday" ended at 230 when he went to go make dinner for the boys before STBX came home and he promised he'd be back in time to spend the evening with me. This time he showed up at 930. Apparently, she came home and wanted to talk. By the time they were done, he didn't want to see me (which was evidenced by his body language that said he wanted to run out the door). I got him to stay the night and we/he talked at length about how confused he is. He feels like he's ending up with me where he was with her. He doesn't know who he is anymore....what he wants. He doesn't feel "right" with me, but he doesn't feel "wrong" either. I felt like I got stabbed.
Are all men in the process of a divorce as screwed up as this?
Is there any hope that he will sort his head out?
He has a hell of a lot of pain that he's working through. You are in for some of the spill off yourself. Maybe a little while later he'll be what you need, but now, it's clear he's more than you bargained for. know what I mean?
It sounds like his divorce process is NOT forgiving or even remotely positive. If he feels he may upset his STBXW then he's still not fully individuated. Which means a large part of his emotions are still enmeshed with his wife. NOT GOOD FOR GIRLFRIEND!
IF that's the case, check your expectations at the door and just have fun. DON'T be an additional source of stress for the guy. If you're his first "relationship" after the marriage, you MUST know it rarely lasts long.
There are two kinds of men after Divorce.
There's happy ending guys, and then there's the guys that end up in a heap. All the signals are there, he's headed straight for the pile.
It sounds like this poor fellow is cruising along without consciously doing what he needs to do to end his marriage on the best terms possible. Maybe you could gently offer to spend less time with him so he can get some counselling. He's blocked up babe. Big time.
To answer your last question. "Are all separated guys this screwed up?" my answer would be, Probably. Just be sure you're up front with him about what you expect out of this relationship and he's up front with you. Don't force anything, or you could wind up with a weeping, heavy shell of a man in your bedroom, or worse, you could end up a weeping, heavy shell of a woman..
Separation in prep for divorce is easily the most difficult time for many. Tread lightly. DO NOT take the man from his kids. THEY are the most important in all of this. Don't resent them, or him for the time they spend together. He's at least doing that right.
Please be incredibly careful.
__________________
She's a Goddess. My job is to F.U.C.K. the Goddess.
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Life is not bad. watching life slip away from you IS bad. Don't do that. -rble
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There's nothing about that that's in good taste. - israfil
Last edited by MassiveAtom; 11th November 2004 at 5:58 PM..
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Hmmm... well I agree with Tiki... I don't think he's seperated either.
Seems that you're his secret, he doesn't want the Wife to know or the kids... he still lives with her... being that seperated means NO LONGER TOGETHER and he is STILL right there under the same roof...
My advice.... IF you are wanting a relationship with this guy that belongs to only YOU (of course he will always be in his kiddo's lives and should be) but you want to be the only woman... then WAIT... take a big step back unless or until he is divorced... then he is still married... might want to let him know that "seperation" doesn't mean he's in one place for a few hours while she's at work... blah!
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Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
First of all, he is STILL MARRIED. Soon to be Ex or not, he is still a married man. Have you thought about what affect your "dating" might have on his kids? I don't care how young they are, they are going to eventually see that daddy has a girlfriend, and if he's brought them up with any sense of morals, they're going to know its WRONG because he's MARRIED.
They're living in the same house?
Have you thought that perhaps he's using you for sex and keeping the wifey on the line just in case things don't work out between the two of you?
Yeah, I'm blunt. But in the past three weeks I've found out my HUSBAND with whom I am still MARRIED, has a girlfriend he's been sleeping with for months while we've been separated. I've been trying my damndest to keep the family together, work full time, care for my kids, pay bills and keep the hope alive that he's seriously thinking things through about our marriage, only to find out there's a woman on the side.
And here's the kicker....I'd take him back in a heartbeat because I still love him.
Who's to say your MARRIED LOVER isn't going to drop you next week to keep his family together?
I believe him and his wife are having troubles, but I think he is trying to repair the marriage and the wife wants out. I used to stay around when I wanted my ex back and help around the house and darn I played video games with the kids for hours to just to be able to be around the house with them all. You should not date this man until he has been divorced for at least a year or so. God made marriage and he is not going to bless this man when he is committing adultery, is he the only man available in your area. I wonder are you wanting something you can`t have. Sorry to be so blunt but look at the facts.
Originally posted by aerinha
Are all men in the process of a divorce as screwed up as this? Is there any hope that he will sort his head out?
I haven't met all of them, so I couldn't say.
The ones I have met had similar feelings as the ones I had when I went through mine. That is, seeing the world as you know it being turned upside down & torn apart, & your life abruptly changing direction. A paradigm shifting when the clutch doesn't work. The feelings are sadness, confusion, resentment, anger, bitterness, uncertainty about the future, & a host of others.
Any relationship in the immediate aftermath will be rebound in nature. An attempt to fill a sudden void. In your case, this man still has ties to his estranged wife, & there are conflicting loyalties. He is not in a position to embark on a new relationship right now.
He will likey sort his head out eventually, but the time frame will be months & years. Whether you wish to spend time & youth waiting on the sidelines for him is your decision, of course.
I have to agree with everyone here... GET OUT!!! I am seperated with a son, now I personally devote my weekends to my son and nothing will stop that but I would introduce him to my girlfriend (if I had one.. another story lol). As for still living with her.. then they are not seperated PERIOD. When my ex said we were through that was that. She said I could saty in the house as long as I like.. a week, six months whatever I needed... hell I was out in within 2 weeks.... because we were seperated and that is that. Regardless of wether I wanted to be with her or not.
So I am sorry to say but it seems like this guy is playing you for a fool. He is having his cake and eating it too. You haven't met the kids nor the stbxw either I would assume. Does anyone know you exist in his life other than him and your friends? Prob. not.
I'm really sorry for the pain you are going through but please stop it now before it gets any worse for you.
Wow, this is the greatest advice ever!!! I have been dating a man for a bout a month--he is seperated and getting a divorce but they have been living together two years after the seperation. Married for fourteen. Two little kids and no money. So it DOES make sense people might be forced to stay together. But of course, freedom is priceless so....I would think one would want to leave. I step into the picture--half his age (he is in the early forties) and am seeing a worl dof drama and craziness that frankly, I don't know if I can handle. His ex is calling me, wanting to talk with me and be friends with me, telling me about my new boyfreind. Then he calls me up and wants to talk to me about how much he hates her.
And we have a beutiful love affair--but I am afraid it will be sabatoged by the drama.
ON the positive note, he did find his own place last week after I told him I wouldn't stick around for anything less. And he's trying to make some changes. Ah,but the kids, the ex wife. I do feel sorry for some men and women that they get locked into a bad relationship and then.....get stuck.
aerinha, it sounds like you have a lot of love and devotion to give.
Most men I know, (including myself) would KILL to have someone who's so easily able to overlook flaws in order to try and be happy.
Don't waste all the good you have to offer on this looser.
You need to somehow find the strength to dump this guy and find someone worthy of the things you have to give.
This guy is obviously cheating on his wife, and playing you as a fool.
Your heart will likely be but one in a whole series of broken hearts and lies this guy leaves behind everywhere he travels in life.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
You're in a dangerous situation
Your post was cute!
i love you guys!
I have been dating a man for a bout a month--he is seperated and getting a divorce but they have been living together two years after the seperation. Married for fourteen. Two little kids and no money. So it DOES make sense people might be forced to stay together. But of course, freedom is priceless so....I would think one would want to leave. I step into the picture--half his age (he is in the early forties) and am seeing a worl dof drama and craziness that frankly, I don't know if I can handle. His ex is calling me, wanting to talk with me and be friends with me, telling me about my new boyfreind. Then he calls me up and wants to talk to me about how much he hates her. 
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