[Sympathy]

I have been with a man who has been both physically and emotionally abusive to me in the last 3 yrs of the almost 5 yr relationship....he has a serious heroin addiction habit and is currently on probation for convicted drug trafficking but has served many years in prison and has other non drug related felonies.

Yes i know i have been conned by a con but in the beginning of the relationship he was kind attentive generous and overly clinging to an uncomfortable fault....and was clean but has relapsed constantly with his heroin addiction and involved in criminal type behavior and with criminal type cohorts surrounding his drug using and dealing habits.

He recently dumped me and i suspect there might be another woman involved as that would explain both his emotional and sexual distance but it could be drugs but he is on probation and besides he doesn't have a pot to piss in financially so how he wines and dines her i wouldn't know.

My self esteem has totally disappeared and his rejection of me has all but killed me and although friends and family are glad and good riddance....but he has done this to me before only to pop up again down the road as if nothing happened....but usually cause he wants something.

My question is this....do you think he is just abusive to me as there is something wrong with me and i ain't worth diddley squat or he might treat the next woman the same way eventually......All his past girlfriends had serious addictions of their own and the last one OD'd on him......i am really his first kinda 'nice girl' and what he first loved about me he finds annoying and contemptuous....
I am so depressed that he won't call and i feel like worthless garbage

Thanx for listening......

[Devildog]

The only problem I can see with you is a lack of self-esteem. Your friends and family are right, you are much better off without the guy. Get a restraining order if you have to to keep the guy away from you.

Take the opportunity to get away from this loser. He keeps coming back to you because he knows he can play you. Stop letting him.

[JoL]

Are you serious? You know this man is BAD NEWS and yet you are basing your entire self esteem around him?!

Honey, there is nothing wrong with you. This man is clearly unstable, directing physical and emotional abuse towards you. You will be happy he is gone in the long run- believe me. DON'T give in to this guy. Let him walk away and pray he doesnt come back.

You are lucky he has dumped you. physical, emotional and drug related violence is NO WAY to live your life.

He will treat every person in his life the same way. People who leave abusive personalities untreated do NOT change.

I know, even though this guy is clearly terrible for you, it is still hard to accept him rejecting you.
PLEASE do not take him back. He has serious problems and you will only get more entangled in his messy life the longer you are with him.

I get the feeling he has eroded your self esteem and your strength to the point where you give into him and take him back when he shows up again.

Also, heroin use is extremely dangerous if he is sharing needles, with HIV...PLEASE get rid of this guy, he needs help and you ARE NOT his martyr, his psychiatrist, or his parole officer....

RUN....RUN FAR AWAY.

[Jai]

I can kind of understand where you are coming from but to put up with that BS for 3 years is crazy.

The one thing I say about abusive relationships is:

The first time it happens you are the victim......anytime after that if you decide to stay you deserve what you get.

I know it sounds insensitive but if you don't leave you know what you are getting in to.


Just my 2 cents,

Jai

[moimeme]

I can kind of understand where you are coming from but to put up with that BS for 3 years is crazy.

The one thing I say about abusive relationships is:

The first time it happens you are the victim......anytime after that if you decide to stay you deserve what you get.

I know it sounds insensitive but if you don't leave you know what you are getting in to.

Jai, you have no idea what you are talking about. Ever lived in such a relationship? No? Then don't pretend to try to understand.

in the beginning of the relationship he was kind attentive generous

Abusers are like that. They win you over and you think they're great. Then, when the abuse starts, it's surreal. You can't believe it even happened. And they promise - even cry - that they will NEVER do it again and because they were so nice and wonderful, you believe it.

Nobody 'deserves' to be abused; until you've been inside such a situation you can't possibly understand.

[morrigan]

Abusers are very manipulative people--they can destroy one person's self esteem while outside people think they are the greatest person on the planet.

Sympathy, I doubt you are the first or last woman that this man will abuse. People don't choose to date an abusive person, the abuser basically plays a Jekyll/Hyde with your emotions. Even when he's a total SOB to you, you keep thinking on all the times he has been loving and kind. It basically gets to the point where you think this man is your emotional lifeline.

You don't need this man to live a good life, and I don't think anyone would ever have a good life with him either. This man would not have stopped physically or verbally abusing you. Ignore any calls/emails/visits that this guy may attempt in the future.

[MelodyJ]

Please, listen to your family, and to the advice given here, and get away from this man ASAP. He will not change, you are not the first nor will you be the last. Abusive behavior or a very dangerous drug addiction alone is bad enough, but together, you can't possibly believe it will get better. Take care of yourself and get out of this situation while you still can. I wish you good luck.

[Pocky]

After leaving an verbally abusive relationship I realized that he treated me that way because he knew that I was too good for him. He knew he was a loser and an ******* so his only way to control me and keep me around was to make me feel like **** about myself. He knew that if I realized I was too good for him I'd leave. He was right. After eight months I realized what an ass he was and I left.

[Jai]

Hey before you start flaming my post I think it needs to be recognized that I was in an abusive relationship. Maybe it wasn't physically abusive but abusive nonetheless. She would always hang the relationship over my head to manipulate me to do whatever she wanted telling me she would break up with me otherwise or when she is mad calling me hurtful names and telling me she hates me and stuff like that. I know all about it but in the end it is my fault because I continued to put up with it instead of leaving and only you have control of your life and you can only make decisions for yourself and if you decide after he has told you everytime he hits you that he is sorry shouldn't you get the hint that he will continue to do this? Sure I can understand it happening once......everyone makes mistakes but if it continues you can only blame yourself for putting up with it.

Once a victim...Twice you asked for it,

That's my moto and I am sticking to it......Just like if you get cheated on and go back with the person......you are just asking to get cheated on again.

Sorry if I offended anyone but I have a right to my own opinion and just because you may not agree does not make my point invalid.

Jai

[Sympathy]

I am so grateful for all of those that have shown me such concern and kindness by replying to my thread.....my self esteem has become so eroded that i have lost touch with the reality of what a monster this man really is and how i have become so enslaved to him.

I failed to mention that the last time he was knocking me around a neighbor had called the police but i refused to press charges as i thought he might have had some dope on him and i would have been in trouble if the police searched him on my premises( we don't live together).

Of course he denied afterwards he had in fact any dope on him during that incident and would never bring it into my home as i made him promise me so often......well a month after the fact i was cleaning behind my stereo cabinet and found about 6 bags of heroin that were clearly packaged for sale(I flushed it all down the toilet)....that bastard even tho he was living with a dope dealer at the time that he used to cop from told me and the police that he knew this woman was dealing dope but he just lived there and had nothing to do with the operation nor was he using any of it.

He also has Hep C in its dormant stage but failed to tell me until after we had unprotected sex.....i doubt he is telling his new babe about it or me or the fact that he is a convicted dope dealer currently on 5 yrs probation.....this being his 5th felony acquired....others for theft kidnapping etc.....even escaped from prison once and held people up at gun-point with his buddy to get money from their ATMs.

He sweeps up at a factory for minimum wage.....his driver's license was revoked for possession of drug paraphanelia....he swallowed the dope before the police got to his truck.


Yet i am miserable that he has dumped me for another woman......i don't know it for sure but if he lied about all his dope dealings why would he tell the truth about cheating?
Sure he is on probation and can't use but if he got off probation tomorrow he use in a second and that poor woman would be f**ked and f**ked over as i have been.

You all must think i am nuts for caring about this guy who doesn't care about me

luv to all Sympathy

[mandimay]

I know what it's like. I know what it's like to lie in bed and just pray that he will call...even if it is to call you a stupid bitch. I was in an abusive relationship for many years. For the first 9 months he treated me like a goddess...Then it started. The abuse and the pain. When my ex left me (officially I pushed him to leave after finding that he was cheating and then being abused one night for spying on him) I felt destroyed. I didn't deserve anyone else or to be treated 'good'...at least that is what he had told me for years. Then HE didn't want me either? I felt worthless and looked to him for the acceptance that he gave me in the first few months. I just wanted all the abuse to 'go away' and have that old person back in my life.

I found myself feeling completely hopeless one day...and it was then that a miracle occured. I found a friend. She said everything to me that I just said to you above. She told me to tell myself ONE thing...everyday when I wake up and would remember that he was gone...It was this:

"It's hard right now. It hurts right now. But this is as hard as it's going to get. Every day it's going to get a little easier."

One morning, about a month later (after saying all of the above every day) I woke up, got my youngest son from his crib, fixed a bottle for him, sat down on the couch...and it was only then that I remembered that my ex was gone. It was a turning point in my life. I remembering saying out loud, "It's actually working!"

Today, 8 years later, I am so glad that part of my life is over. In the beginning I didn't see how I could make it without him...But try to see it this way...One year from now (and i know that seems like a long time...it honestly isn't!) but one year from now, you could be with someone who sees you as precious and worthy of all things good in life. You deserve better. Hang in there!

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,
Trying to take it one day at a time as you suggested.....someday i probably will be grateful to him that he had the gumption to end it for his own selfish reasons but it in the long run it will be my salvation. Others have pointed out to me as well as a S.W.A.T. team police officer....who was here regarding charges my neighbor was bringing against my ex bf...that the ex bf was dangerous and was indeed capable of cutting one's head off with a knife as he had threatened my neighbor...

The officer said that they were keeping tabs on my ex bf for 2 yrs and when i asked the ex bf about it...he just laughed and said that the officer was full of s**t.

In fact when the ex bf was convicted of the drug trafficking charge he was telling me if he wanted he could have the judge prosecutor detectives etc. "taken care of"..
I thought he was just saying that for effect but now i am thinking that i probably don't know half of what the ex bf has done or is capable of.

I used to think the ex bf was guilty of everything but cheating as we made a pact that we'd always tell each other and so often he indicated that who ever i cheated with would suffer the consequences if it ever came to pass.....


I am starting to think as my counselor has said that the ex bf is an antisocial sociopath and is 'sick' in the sense that he doesn't know he is 'sick' and that is what makes him more dangerous.

Mandimay....did your ex bf ever try to contact you after he broke up with you and do you know whatever happened to him or the women he became involved with?

I hope tomorrow i will be less sadder than today,
bless you Sympathy

[mandimay]

Originally posted by Sympathy
Mandimay....did your ex bf ever try to contact you after he broke up with you and do you know whatever happened to him or the women he became involved with?

I hope tomorrow i will be less sadder than today, bless you Sympathy

Yes, he did. As he had many times before. He had left several times, one time leaving my son and I 250 miles away from home...we were absolutely homeless and had no money. My parents came to my rescue, rented a van and brought us home. Six months later I took him back. I became pregnant with my second child after about 4 months. The abuse had already set in. He left again when I was 7 weeks pregnant, took my car and all the money we had. My parents moved me back in with them. Six months later...guess what? I was getting ready to give birth to my 2nd son and he came back begging me for another chance and promising he would change. I took him back. He once again began abusing me and cheating on me.

It's a never ending cycle. But I decided to end it. When he tried to come back a year after the last time I refused to give him a chance. I was done. and I was so proud of myself. Now ask me "why"...

I found later that during the time he was trying to "get me back" he was seeing someone else. When he saw there was no chance with us he asked this woman to marry him. When he left HER a year ago (she was also pregnant) she was nearly suicidal...wanting to know if he had contacted the kids at all. I laughed...Like he would call his kids! She just poured out all of this big story to me...and yep, you guessed it...He had been beating her. He came back to her a few months later and they are still together now...and he still beats her. For awhile I thought it was just "me"....I was ugly and stupid and deserved what I was getting...Now I see the truth...It isn't what I deserved! It's what you get when you are a part of that mans life...

I'm not going to judge you for being sad because I KNOW what it's like!! I know the way you feel and how little self esteem you have right now...I'm just asking you to please tough it out for awhile!! I promise (and I am saying this from experience!) you will be soooooooo glad you did...It's hard to even consider "moving on" right now. I know...I remember thinking "Life is horrible without him...how will I live the rest of my life without him!" But please believe me when I say that it won't always hurt this bad. I can tell you...it gets better and easier every day!!

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,
I am hoping you are correct and that each day the pain will lessen a bit and that i can steel myself from calling him or contacting him in any way shape or form.

I was just wondering what your reaction was to my actual description of my ex bf in so far as the man himself. If i can get in touch with the reality that this man is a drug dealing drug abusing violent man with multiple felonies and a long incarceration and that at age 52 he can only get a job sweeping up at a factory for temp wage and has no car or bank account and lives in a furnished room from week to week then maybe i can knock him off that pedestal in my mind. I would usually have to throw him extra money to augment his income so if i am correct in assuming that he has dumped me for another woman....how can he possibly afford her and what is the attraction for her and what kind of woman must she be unless she doesn't know his background or that he is on probation or that he has Hep C

Mandimay or anybody please hit home to me that this man is indeed doing me a favor by dumping me but i guess my ego is messing with me here.
luv Sympathy

[mandimay]

You said it yourself, Sympathy! He's a loser. I don't do drugs and don't allow anyone in my life who does. Obviously you don't use either...He has a sucky job, no money, nothing going for him and a record that would keep him from getting a good job or getting credit to ever buy a home or car. And how could he buy a car? He works for min. wage?

Think of it like this: Let's say you were with this man and got married....For the rest of your adult life you will be forced to deal with lies, drugs, probation violations and long periods of seperation due to jail time. Life would be a constant stress. Add to this the fact that you won't be able to afford to pay bills, rent, etc. because he doesn't make any money. On top of this you have to worry about being abused, walking on eggshells and him walking out on you.

He's a loser. You are obviously a devoted person to your signifcant other and you deserve someone who sees you as special and worthy of the same devotion. This guy will never have a life! My ex's life sucks right now because his new wife doesn't trust him (he was trying to get me back when he was seeing her) and she threatens constantly to leave him because of the abuse. All the while, I am sitting here with someone who absolutely adores me and cares about how I feel. Don't let him bring you down to his level. Definitely don't call him. I know all about "battered women's syndrome" and the attachment and low self esteem issues that you have because I've been there. It's hard to hear "he doesn't deserve you" because this immediate instinct comes over you to protect the jerk. Well, what has he done good for you recently? F*** him...Let him have his drugs and his ho's and his probation officers and find yourself a decent person...I can tell you this: There is no better feeling that waking up and being able to say "I don't have to worry if I will be abused today!"