[smile]

Ok so after the gift I gave him he is gone for a week . I got some advice about telling him what I meant by the gift. What does that mean?

He has been talking about these dumb girls and how he has met a bunch of dumb people since we broke up. Like messed up, he said. He had always said that I was different because I was cool and chill but still old fashioned. Like I could hang out a bar or party and drink and have fun.. but sometimes I would surprise him at home with his favorite meal.. or surprising him with a Jewish dinner for Rosh Hashana or during Channukah ( he is half jewish). So i am hoping that his surprise with the thoughtfulness of the gift would cause him to go "hey this girl cares that much even after everything".

Because it seems like he has been getting closer for one reason or an other. Something like the thoughtful gift that he has a week to reflect on, I think may help him to see that I am receptive to getting closer too.

But if he doesnt see that , because he is a guy. How do I go about hinting more without risking losing our friendship? Because honestly.. it will hurt as I continue to transition into friends.. but I can do it. Its better than the pain of not having him in my life. We both feel that way. We have tried to stay away but it doesn't feel right.

I dont want to push anything. And if he is thinking about getting closer then what if I scare him away? I think he is still going through a lot of transitioning and is at a point where he is starting to see through the fog of his "lost weekend" in order to see more clearly what he wants for his life.

I am trying to be understanding, because I know he needs that right now, and he appreciates it too. I just want to know how to let him know without making him think I can only be his friend if I think it is leading somewhere.

I want him back , yes of course I do. I love him. I want a second chance. Duh. But he is so important to me that if he doesn't want that, I respect him for it. It would hurt like hell and i wouldn't really understand , but I would respect it.

I don't know. I guess I had figured I put the ball in his court. But you guys are saying no? so can I just wait until he gets home and then talk and see what happens?

I dont want to let this opportunity slip away, if thats what it is. But at the same time I dont want to rush or push him away. aaackkk today is not so good as far as patience and understanding go... help!

[dtothej99]

hey dont worry, im having the same problem, you need to tell him how you feel, oyu really do, and if its meant to be he will understand. Guys love to hear it when another girl cares about them. i think if you just tell him fce to face that you still love him, then he will understand. if he rejects you, then it was not meant to be and then you need to forget and move on, cuz then obviously he wasnt the right guy, no matter how much it may hurt if worst comes to worst
-DEREK (feel better!)

[smile]

I know. I guess I am finally at a point where I feel ok you know? Like I am ok that he isnt my bf and I am ok living my life. I am ok looking at other guys. I am ok flirting with other guys. So I was fine as it was motoring along.

I dont want to hear he doesnt want me. Not again. He said it once and I guess I am just petrified he is going to say it again. Like why am I so dumb that I didnt get it the first time?

He has been callin me. We have been on the comp for hours then he called me when he got into bed. He is starting to tell me what he is doing and what he did, just like he used to. He is being honest about things we werent honest about during the relationship and we talk about what went wrong and stuff.

I just feel like he only lets himself get so far then he retracts. And I dont want to be the reason he runs away again. I am just afraid of losing him all the way.

Meant to be is meant to be... but isnt there something about timing as well? I just dont want him to feel pressured if he isnt sure how he feels. He just seems like "i dont know i dont know" but more so on the side of "I dont know why I cant stop thinking about you.. nobody turns me on or connects with me emotionally like you do" .

I just dont want to mess it up..

[UnicornGirl]

guys need to be able to retract and come back, like rubber bands. (a concept from men are from mars, women are from venus, which I personally find incredibly helpful in understanding my guy.) when he retracts, do fun things alone or with friends and enjoy that space, and be confident that he's coming back. (they always do.) when he does come back, don't be resentful, just love him and expect that it's normal for him to go off for a little while on his own and then come back as if everything is normal.

just keep showing him love. you can tell him you love him in other ways than by saying it --- try a romantic dinner, bringing him a flower or a nice pebble you found, little things for no reason. see your "getting back together" not as a decision, but a process.

he needs encouragement -- he's opening up to you, telling you about his day, calling you before he goes to sleep. don't jump on the intimacy, just help it grow. give him positive experiences when he opens up to you.

I understand what you mean when you say, "I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to hear he doesn't want me just like he said last time." You have to not think about that. you have to trust. don't push anything. just show your love, and if he responds positively, take it as a positive response to your love.

I know you might feel like you're being "tricked" or led along by all of this -- that you're feeling the romantic vibe and he's not. I feel the same way with my ex right now. but just trust that feeling of regaining intimacy and closeness, and show your love in as many ways you can -- but only in ways that don't put pressure on him. many people freak out if someone they like comes on too strong and seems like they're EXPECTING something from you.

small gestures and nicknames, bringing up personal jokes and treating him like he's a good guy (it's always important to guys, I've found, that they feel their girlfriend thinks they're a "good guy" not a "bad guy") .... those are loving things that don't pressure him, but encourage him to do the same. it's hard to have an undefined relationship like this but ride it out for a while and see what happens. turn up the intensity of your gestures a notch, but don't expect too much in return.

it sounds like things are going well and I am happy for you

He just seems like "i dont know i dont know" but more so on the side of "I dont know why I cant stop thinking about you.. nobody turns me on or connects with me emotionally like you do" .

GOOD sign.

[smile]

I have been reading Mars and Venus so I am familiar with the rubber band thing. Man seriously the problems the couples have in the book.. not understanding what the other NEEDS and how they communicate or even interpret each others actions is soooo what happened to us. Its so sad because he thinks that we failed.. but we didnt fail. Its just that we didnt get it exactly. Damn ... too bad I didnt get this sooner. Ah well if I had I wouldve been robbed of this time to be apart and realize what exactly we do mean to eachother right?

Anyway the funny thing is.. the girls all say make him wait.. while the guys say .. you need to say something or he will think you arent interested. So.. is there a healthy in between? I think I started with the gift and being generally interested when he shared EVERYTHING with me. So I have to find the balance between being cool and being interested?

Thinking of buying a soccer ball and asking him to be my soccer buddy. I truly love to play and he has been hinting that it seems fun... Just pal around sorta stuff and maybe he will remember why we were together for three years?

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by smile
Thinking of buying a soccer ball and asking him to be my soccer buddy. I truly love to play and he has been hinting that it seems fun... Just pal around sorta stuff and maybe he will remember why we were together for three years?

Yes!!!

Wow, similar situation here -- my bf thinks we've "failed," that it's just not right, we only fight and we don't make each other happy anymore.

The Mars/Venus book explained a lot to me too. It's kind of sad, but we can use it to our advantage!

And about the space ... I think the right balance of space is to let him have it, but don't distance yourself from him. Make sure he knows, somehow, that it's safe for him to come back to you when he's ready. Sending him a little note saying hello when he's away for a while is an example. YOU know you didn't just "fail," and that makes a big difference!

I myself am considering ways to tell him "I love you and I want to be with you" in a way that doesn't put pressure on him. I'm giving him a lot more space now and it hurts and makes me angry sometimes. Sometimes I even convince myself that he's lied to me when he said he might want to get back together in the future! It's really tough.

But I'm learning to trust that he's a fundamentally good guy and does not want to hurt me. He wants us both to be happy, and that's why he wanted to end the relationship -- we were killing each other! I personally would have settled for a long talk and a period of making up and healing TOGETHER, but he needs that space alone to do that. But maybe with the help of Mars/Venus and these helpful conversations on the boards I can make sure that we not only get back together, but make our relationship even better!