Straight to the point here - my wife wrote that she didn't love me when we got married. We've been married for 3 mostly good years but for the last 2 years something has been wearing on my mind. I had gone away for with my Army Reserve unit for 2 weeks about 9 months after we got married. I returned for 2 weeks and then was gone again for another 2 weeks. During my 2 weeks at home, I stumbled across a journal she started while I was gone. I don't know if she intentionally left it where I could see or if it was a mistake because I certainly was snooping around.
Right or wrong, I read it. Anyway, there were only 4 entries, one about missing college life (who doesn't?), one about smoking behind my back (important to me because I asked her to quit when we started dating 3 years earlier for personal reasons and she did), one about something for another post entirely, and one about marrying me out of convenience and that she never loved me. She also mentioned a previous boyfriend she thought she should have married so she could be a trophy wife. We had classes together (same major), were neighbors when were still friends only, and had both accepted offers to go to work for the same company. Did she marry me out of conveniece?
Anyway, at this point, we both realize we have communication issues and things aren't perfect between us. At the moment we don't seem to be on the same page - she wants kids now, I want to wait (we're 26), she wants to be a trophy wife, I like a strong career woman (we're both engineers), I'm very active and outdoorsy which she always expressed interest in but she'd rather sit on the couch. Some days I want to leave, some days I want to make it work, but the trust isn't there right now. I know I need to discuss this with her but how? What would you do?
Don't believe everything you read - she could just have been blowing off steam or "trying out" ideas - but do take this as a call to start evaluating and working on your marriage. Have you ever asked her if she is happy with you, and whether she would change anything? Are you both willing/able to meet the other's needs?
Quote:
I'm very active and outdoorsy which she always expressed interest in but she'd rather sit on the couch
Ya know...of all the things you said, this is the one that would bother me the most. Seems trivial, but over the years you would end up realizing that you really don't know how to have fun together. Please see <URL removed> about the importance of recreational companionship in a marriage.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd February 2005 at 1:00 AM..
Reason: Removed external URL
I wouldn't place too much stock in the journal entries. Instead, focus on what's separating you two, now: kids, work, outdoor/indoor interests.
Maybe after putting in the time working on your marriage you might conclude you don't want to remain married to a closet smoking, trophy wife wannabe couch potato.
But whatever your ultimate decision is, base it on your marriage as it exists, now, and not on some musings in a private journal.
Focus your energies on these "communications issues," not her private musings.
You shouldn't go over her journal w/o her permission. She might be talking about the time when she married you. Things may change afterwards. The best thing to do is to talk to her about it.
get a prenuptial thing lol...she's a gold digger...all women want money at the end lol...sorry i'm mad at women rite now lol...but one who doesn't love you...i'm guessin she may be in to ur cash...i could be totally wrong though...
You can't put much stock into what they say in their journals. She is probably confused like most women are. I would suggest you two go for marriage counseling. This will allow you two to be able to communicate better. Miscommunication or lack of is majority of the time the backbone to why such problems exists. It's help me quite a bit as well from us going. Alot that I thought was doing right, I was doing wrong. Just thinking if you love them enough that will be enough is hardly ever the case.
Also please check out my link in my signature. It may help you.
"You can't put much stock into what they say in their journals. She is probably confused like most women are."
Yah. OK
Anyway, now that we've heard from the resident expert.....
let me just fill you in a little, original poster.
A journal is a place to vent and many people will say things like "I HATE him/her..." "He/She RUINED my life...." etc.
When in fact, those statements have little bearing on reality.
Raw emotion is rarely expressed in realistic terms (i.e. "If you leave me....I'll kill myself!")
Leave the journals alone and vow not to break into her private 'place' again. Instead, take stock of what's actually happening between the two of you on a daily basis.
Do you two converse easily?
Share your thoughts, concerns, anxieties?
Are you physically affectionate with each other?
Do you feel 'at home' with this person?
Do you think she is honest?
Do you think she is genuine?
Do you like her as a person?
Do you feel good about YOURSELF around her?
Do you feel special when you are with her?
Do you two laugh around each other?
If you can answer 'yes' to most of these, I'd let the journal thing go for now.
On a personal note...
Two years into my relationship (now 4 1/2 years old and certainly the most important romantic relationship of my life) I had many serious doubts about the commitment I was making.
It had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I was just freaking out because I'd never really committed to anyone before.
I had many thoughts and ideas running through my mind that would have hurt my boyfriend tremendously if he'd known about them.
Ultimately, I realized these thoughts were just about fear. They were escapism. Thank god I didn't write them down because he never would have understood that. He would have read into it as "Oh, she doesn't love me,"
When in fact, I love him deeply.
She may love you very much. It may just be unfamiliar territory for her. I wouldn't give up so fast...
To answer your questions Karlise:
Do you two converse easily? In general yes, about our relationship, not so much
Share your thoughts, concerns, anxieties? most of the time, but I do hold back some and I feel that she does as well
Are you physically affectionate with each other? I am towards her but it is rarely reciprocated, sex is a rare occurence ~ 1 month
Do you feel 'at home' with this person? [i] Most of the time yes[i]
Do you think she is honest? yes, even given what I read
Do you think she is genuine? yes
Do you like her as a person? yes, she is a good person and even if we were to seperate, I could see still being friends
Do you feel good about YOURSELF around her? I feel that I am viewed with a very critical eye and don't always feel good about myself
Do you feel special when you are with her? not really, I always feel like I'm not meeting her expectations
Do you two laugh around each other? yes
Thank you all for your comments and advice. Now my question is, if we sit down to have this big talk about our relationship, do I even mention what I read? I feel obligated and even guilty that I read her journal but I don't want that to be the focus of the discussion. I want to focus on fixing what is wrong with us now, but my lack of trust comes from what I read then.
Whatever you read in a journal ***where there are only four entries*** does not mean anything. Even if she had written 4 pages of insults and awful things about you, or she had written that she wished you would die, it would not mean *anyting*.
It would of course be really different if she had been writing every other day or so that she does not love you.
Some people write in a journal/diary only when they are *very* upset or angry or depressed.
(I am speaking from personal experience)
What you write when you are very hurt or depressed is not necessarily what you think, as anyone who has ever told his/her SO something mean without a real reason would know very well.
You could try to tell her that you stumbled upon her journal - if you really stumbled upon it and read it out of curiosity, and were not going through her stuff-, IMO it is better that you tell her about what you read.
She will be very upset, but I think she will probably be *way*more embarassed and worried(or even scared) of what you might think of her than angry because you read her stuff.
She will perhaps struggle to explain you that she didn't really mean those things, she was just in a bad moment.
It will be very, very distressful for her but I think it's better than the other option....remaining silent and letting this stuff you read eating you up from the inside.
Remember: never ever use anything that she wrote in her journal against her.
If she mentions the smoking behind your back problem, say something like that you can see why she did it. (besides she eventually quit, so why getting upset for a few cigarettes behind your back when she was in fact quitting to smoke for you?)
I feel that I am viewed with a very critical eye and don't always feel good about myself
Do you feel special when you are with her?
not really, I always feel like I'm not meeting her expectations"
The above, I think, are what your discussion should focus on.
Tell her exactly what you wrote above.
"I need to work some things out with you....because I love you. However, I frequently feel that I can't meet your expectations. I feel somehow that I am failing in some areas. I feel as if I'm being silently critiqued and I wonder if you doubt your love for me sometimes."
YOu are not attacking her. You are telling her how YOU feel. These are serious concerns.
I hope she gives you an honest answer.
As for telling her you read her journal.....I honestly don't think I would if it were me.
You will have to search your conscience for that answer.
What you need to do, Mr Original Poster, is decide if your marriage is worth the effort to you. Are your needs being met? Are hers? Do you want to stay in this relationship? What needs to change in order for you to be happy? These are things you should discuss with her. I wouldn't bring up the journal entry, it could make you lose her trust. Remember when you were a kid, and your Mom or Dad wouldn't let you have a toy? So you'd draw a picture or whatever when you were sent to your room after your tantrum that said I HATE MOM or some business. Same thing. Unless there are pages and pages of it, I would put it down to frustration.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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